Phases

Many of us have a big problem but we have no one to tell us.

The other day, on my way back from class, I bumped into a friend I used to be really close to months back. ‘Hi!’, ‘Hi’, finish. That was all. We didn’t say anything more.

I got back to my room and after one demonic team in FM wrecked and demolished my team and got me sacked, I crawled into bed and started to cry. Cry on a low though, as a hard guy.

The tears stopped flowing but I was too weak to get off my bed and do anything so I lay there, put Magic’s No Way No on repeat and let my mind drift.

The ‘friend’ I had encountered earlier in the day came to mind. I still don’t understand what happened. We used to be mad close but for some reason, we just drifted apart. It’s worth noting I had no intentions; just a platonic something.

The whole thing got me thinking. I can’t be the only one that has noticed how ‘relationships’ come in phases. Relationships in this context focuses specifically on the platonic kind; just to be clear – again 😐.

It’s a rather unfortunate thing uno. Thinking back, many of us have met quite a number of people. The way it goes, you meet people every day. For some of them, you guys are just ‘Hi’-‘Bye’-dazall friends, for others, you’re just guys; you talk occasionally but never really ‘talk’, but with one or two, you’re close friends. Close in the sense that you guys relate a lot; like you’re mad tight. You talk about all sorts, you get to know a lot about them, that kind thing. I won’t bother including a category for my boys cos they’re blood 😭❤💙.

With this (those) one (or two), it’s looking like you’ll be guys for life, or at least for a long long long time. Only for you guys to magically drift apart and become regular ‘Hi’-‘Bye’-plix-be-going friends to wow-we-used-to-talk? friends. Just like that.

Your brain will be trying to do the math and just when you think you’ve found the answer, you’ll meet another set of people, single out one or two unconsciously and the same process repeats itself.

I have concluded that there can only be two possible reasons for this nonsense.

ONE – Something is wrong, very wrong, somewhere, obviously

TWO – We all may be mad but we don’t know

I lean more towards reason two though.

Sucks cos after you drift apart, it’s like nothing happened. Like ho……… Sorry. I have to go now. Athletico Madrid just offered me a job. See you later

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Why I Will Never Cheat Again

As the orderlies closed on her, Hayley  fought the idea that this was going to be the end of her freedom. And just as she was about to stop running and surrender to the bastards, she saw an opening in the corner of the street.

Hope

She tore through the rubble and dusted the ashes off her linen shirt. Without looking to see what was on the other side of the wall, Hayley jumped.

Yup, she fell to his death.

And died. Obviously.

The End.

Yeah that’s about how much progress I’m making with that story thing I said. E say ‘HOPE’. More like ‘nope’.

Haha, how’s everyone doing?

I really want to post more often. It occurred to me that since I stay in all day everyday, chances I’d experience something worth telling you guys aren’t so high. And so, I decided to step out of the house today. Albeit just to get a haircut.

Quite obvious that I got myself into an unfortunate experience, since that’s what most of my stuff is on.

While brushing my teeth, I stared into the mirror and I couldn’t recognize the man I had become; hair all over the place. I promised myself I wouldn’t touch my hair hoping ‘bear bear’ will come out. But no show. So my hair wasn’t looking too nice.

When I was done, I got dressed and headed out.

My barbers shop is in another local government cos we moved. I’m in a long distance relationship and it’s annoying many times so I knew what I was getting myself into after we moved.

Every guy alive knows you should never cheat on your barber, like never. You can cheat on your football club, cheat on a test, cheat on your girlfriend (I don’t mean this baby; it’s just for the blog please), heck, cheat on your wife, but don’t EVER cheat on your barber.

This is one rule I’ve lived by most of my life. Except when I’m in school for obvious reasons.
Over time, it got a tasking to go so far just to get a haircut, and so, one day, I felt, what the hell, cheating just once won’t hurt. Luckily it didn’t. I got a mad cut even though I paid a little higher than I would have paid my barber but getting a haircut was the main thing.

From time to time, I visited this new barber. Although, I tried to make sure I didn’t cut my hair too frequently so the guilt of cheating doesn’t get too much for me to bear.
In say, three, four months now, I’ve worked on my hair about 3 times.

Normally, the penalty of cheating on your barber is getting a wack cut that either ends up in you looking like ‘roll on’ or you looking like your grandma was the one that gave you a haircut. I knew my luck would run out eventually; all our sins catch up on us. To make matters worse, I didn’t pick my barber’s calls.

I wasn’t in the mood to go so far to cut my hair so I thought, oh, might as well use this guy that’s close by. After all, one more time won’t hurt; and everybody is doing it so. Plus I wasn’t with any money. My plan was to tell the bike guy to stop at this new ATM place they just constructed, then I’d get money to pay him and pay the barber (illegitimate one).

You know, from the first few seconds on the bike, I could feel the repercussions of my sins waiting for me, cos the potholes were juggling things.

Ali and I got the ATM place. I believe, more like believed actually, that he and I were friends cos he had carried me one time before and we had this beautiful conversation (Don’t ask).

The ATM was out of service. Ali observed I looked sad so he asked, ‘Oga, e no work?’. I nodded faintly and got back on the bike. He asked where to and I directed him to the barbershop.

My new plan was to get to the barbershop, ask the barber for 100 naira to pay Ali, cut my hair and tell the barber I’d pay him later and all will be fine.

Unfortunately, the wretched luck of Dastardly and Mutley or what’s his name was chilling on my shoulders.

We got to the barbershop and I told Ali to chill. I went in and was all ‘Ah, How Far na? How your life? How things?’. Uno, trying to form familiar. Barber guy responded with the most casual ‘I dey’ ever.

It was after a minute or two of doing nothing I told my guy to assist a brother with money for the bike guy. He asked me why I couldn’t pay; if change was the problem or something. I shamefully told him that there was no money at all. Man giggled.

I’d rather not give you the unfortunate and shameful details on the events that transpired for pride and self respect purposes :'(:'(

Basically, I had to beg Ali for over 30 minutes to understand and let me go. Because the bastard son on two thousand fathers I was cheating with didn’t help me.

After all the street talk and stuff, Ali no gree. I was shocked. Just 100 naira guy, just. You know how many of us believe Hausa boys will shank you if you annoy them; yeah. So I intensified my begging but homie didn’t budge.

Eventually, one good Samaritan that wondered what the cause for the noise was helped me. I’d met him a couple times at the bakery so he paid for me.

Sigh. I just got home. Had to trek Israelite-esque distance; and worst of all, I didn’t even get the stupid haircut.

And I have to be somewhere important to be tomorrow 😭

Oh well, nonsense happens.

Moral lesson – Don’t cheat; except you’re a Yoruba boy cos apparently, word on the street is that it’s in our genes (Again baby, I don’t mean this)

Bye

Posted from WordPress for Shovel™

Why Not To Go For The Pretty Ones

Hi Guys! I’m too excited so permit me to skip any introduction.

My imagination is too wild. It tends to over think things sometimes. A couple days ago, I was at the University Chapel. I didn’t have anything to do there but I felt this urge to be there. I got there and began to feel stupid when it dawned on me that all I could do while I was there was sit and observe. So

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Not too long after I was seated, a guy and a girl walked in and sat not too far from me. I could tell these two were a couple because of the way they spoke plus the way their bodies were positioned screamed couple. But then the girl was too pretty and the guy well, he basically didn’t look like the type she’d go for. That’s none of my business anyway. Beauty is in the h’eye of the beholder.

I’m not a creep and I do like minding my business so don’t start wondering why I was observing a couple; I had nothing to do.

These guys didn’t say much to each other. They mostly stared into each other’s eyes and cuddled at what looked like rehearsed intervals.

All was going fine and to be honest I was getting a bit bored by the environment and then a random guy walked up to the couple. After a handshake with guy, pretty girl stood and hugged random guy. He left and the couple continued with their silent discussion. Soon after, another random guy came by and the same thing that happened with random guy one happened again. Only difference was that this random guy had a brief chat with pretty girl.

I noticed a frown on pretty girl’s guy’s face. Yes, I began to laugh. It wasn’t so funny initially, but when more random guys came by, the whole thing got too hilarious. The random guy list was about 8 guys long. Main guy was obviously pissed but he calmed down. Understandable. Understandable because I’m sure he knows if he messes up, the speed pretty girl will clock to get a new guy would shock him for life.

Minutes passed and no other random guy came by. I was about leaving when I felt the show was over; and then…

Yeah, you must have guessed it; another random guy came by. This one was definitely bad ass cos he actually stayed quite far from where we were and called pretty girl over. I felt my ribs almost piercing through my flesh cos the whole thing was too funny. The second pretty girl got up to go meet random guy…….18 or so, her guy got up and left.

I can be stupid at times 🙂 Know what I did? Of course you don’t.

Well I walked up to pretty girl’s main guy and asked him ’How’s everything?’

I didn’t bother waiting for him to understand cos he’s twice my size and no way I want to get the wind knocked out of me so I ran away.

Moral Lesson – Life is better when your girlfriend isn’t all that pretty and has no friends 🙂

I find this story extremely funny. You’re weird if you don’t. Cheers

Oh, before I forget, I just discovered I have a new talent. Expect the big reveal very soon

How To Get That Guy Of Your Dreams FAST

Naturally, I should start by greeting you guys and giving you a lowdown of a bunch of crap you really don’t care about. Like how school has been extremely stressful, how my lecturers possess no atom of chill, how life generally has been making me change most of my plans, how I barely have any time for not-so-important stuff and all the rest. But this time, things are different. This guy is going straight to the point.
Sometime last year, I said a couple things concerning the lie that is ‘All Guys Are The Same’. If you haven’t seen it, check here.
This time, I’m shifting my focus to the women among us.
You see, by default, many girls have a problem of hiding how they truly feel for the opposite sex at times. Majorly because they don’t want to be called desperate and stuff. A girl can like a boy and no one would be able to tell. If she was a boy, she could easily walk up to the herself and tell her how she feels. Clearly, these girls need help so if you’re one of them or you know one of them, Congrats, I’m here to help.
If you read this and use it, I repeat, USE it, I give you my word, you will get that guy you’ve been eyeing for days, months or even years.

Número Uno
LIE.
Yes lie. Lie, lie and lie some more. Most people don’t believe this. As silly as it sounds, it’s actually true. Lying is by far the best and easiest way to get what you want. Nothing beats lying. When you lie, you can change everything. Lying can make you look rich, or beautiful or whatever you want regardless of your true condition or state. But there’s a catch, when you lie, you have to lie with sense. You don’t necessarily have to drop extremely far fetched lies. Use your head. Make sure your lies have the right magnitude and direction. Don’t say stuff like, ‘I have an airport in my backyard’ or ‘Michael Jackson was a close friend’. Use your brain. Use your reasoning faculty. How does this relate to getting that guy of your dreams? S ee, when you lie to that guy or to his friends, you can look better and even more attractive to him. For example, if you let the boy or boys you have a crush on believe that you’re in high demand by some of the most attractive boys around, you seem more attractive to them. Make them think you’re rich, beautiful, famous, powerful and all.

Number Two
Do Not Be Yourself
This is by far the most important tip on how to get that boy of your dreams. I find it funny when people advice their friends to be themselves. It doesn’t work yo. NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER be yourself except you’re trying to get married. Imagine you’re a girl that enjoys wearing unattractive clothes and stuff. Ain’t no brother gonna fancy you the least bit. So the wise thing to do is to not be yourself. Wear nice clothes. If your face is not so…………. , a little makeup wouldn’t hurt. Bottom-line, don’t be yourself. Being yourself would never be as effective as not being yourself.

Number Three
Ditch the fake bad attitude
This point is one of the reasons why some girls will remain single till the year 2059. What part of having a bad attitude attracts that guy you like? In some cases, a bad attitude can make a girl look HOT. But then it doesn’t always happen like that. Yes, you can get a guy, but I doubt he would be the guy you really want.
Be nice, smile. Be approachable. There’s nothing wrong in being nice. I’ve heard people say stuff like ‘Boys take advantage of you if you’re too nice’ and ‘People would think you’re cheap if you’re nice’. All of that is BS. Like this

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Number 4
Don’t play hard to get
I know, I know. This is probably the most controversial statement I’ve made so far. But wait, let’s gauge this bants. The whole point of this is to help you get that guy you like, isn’t it? Playing hard to get can be very sexy, yes. The thing is, the more you play hard to get, the longer you remain single. And I don’t think you want to remain single till the year 2059 like the bad attitude folk. By playing hard to get, you can attract that guy but the probability that you’ll get him fast is higher if you don’t play hard to get.

These four tips should suffice. Some of them may look dumb, fake and stupid, but let’s gauge this bants together, the whole point is to get the guy fast isn’t it?

Oh well, I believe and hope they work for you. Till next time.
Bye!

All Guys are the same??!

‘All guys are the same’. To be honest, my heart does a backflip anytime I hear women say this. It’s quite unfair how they generalize after one guy messes up. The fact that one guy did something bad or hurtful to you doesn’t mean ALL guys would do the same thing. And cos of this misconception, I’m going to be giving you my own classification of guys. I’m one of them so the probability that my classification would make any sense is really high.
I can’t say for sure how many classifications of guys are in the world because the classifications vary based on age group. To avoid any confusion, I’m going to stick to my own age group, that’s teenagers, 15-19 to be more precise.
For this category, there are quite a number of classifications but I’ll stick to the major and important ones.
1. The Confident Ones
From the name, it’s obvious the guys here are confident. These are the kind of guys that aren’t scared to approach a woman they’re interested in, regardless of the setting, environment or whatever. If they’re interested in a woman, these guys don’t care who’s around her or with her. Whether its the woman’s friends or family, the guy still goes.
Most of the time, these guys are seriously good-looking and dress really well. They’re the guys who take their outfits personal. And of course, there are some of them that don’t but they’re few. They make sure they look good irrespective of what they’re doing or where they are. They don’t care if there in a class, at a party, in church, playing soccer or any sport, taking a stroll, they make sure they look good. In some cases, they’re not good looking but their fashion sense makes it easy to overlook.
In actual sense, this trait gives them an edge when they approach a woman. I mean, imagine you’re a woman and a good looking guy that’s dressed really well makes a move onto you. Before he says anything, you’ll most likely be interested in him or you’ll be ready to give him your attention and listen to whatever he has to say.
Guys in this category, 90% of the time, possess the skill of talking with the opposite sex. Talking to girls or people in general comes easy to them. They do so with no nervousness or fear. These guys can be bosses in this aspect. When they want a girl, they go lengths to get her and they usually get her most of the time. They don’t waste much time because their reputation does most of the work.
The remaining 10% that don’t have this skill (talking with girls) seriously suck at keeping a conversation going with girls. Because of this, they cover up with their good looks and cool fashion sense. They use those to attract girls and a good number of girls won’t mind being with them because these guys are usually famous. This in turn gets the girls famous by association.
Girls find it hard to friend-zone these guys because they’re hard to. There are some evil women that friend-zone these kind of guys though. These kind of girls are…………. Let’s leave that for another day.
The upside of getting in a relationship with these kind of guys is quite obvious. You can get famous by association through them and they’re fun to talk to and they like to have a good time.
The downside is that, at times, it takes serious dedication to maintain a relationship with them. They can be so high maintenance. As I said earlier, these guys are famous. They, even if they don’t mean to, know a lot of people and definitely, a good number of women would be involved. For the really emotional girls that get jealous easily, these guys could be frustrating. They don’t mean to but they’re forced to be around many other girls and it can be annoying.
Well nothing’s perfect, so you just gotta manage.

2. The Technical Ones
I fancy this category a lot. These guys are semi-confident, confident in some cases. With respect to approaching a woman, these guys usually possess certain techniques they utilize. These techniques may vary from guy to guy but they’re mostly in the same vein. In a case where they’re in a public place and the probability of seeing the girl they want to approach another time is very low, they gather up confidence and go to the girl. The gathering of confidence takes a while because this is not how these guys operate naturally. When they eventually gather up confidence, they go to the girl and indirectly start a conversation. Topics of the conversation are mostly stuff regarding the environment they’re in. It may be about how the girl is enjoying the place, what she’s doing there or what she’s up to. These guys are seriously technical so they pay serious attention to detail.
In most cases, their confidence level isn’t so high so they can’t approach the woman directly. They devise tactics like intercepting the girl somewhere or using something they notice about her to get her attention. They take advantage of situations and meet their target woman through these situations. An example is this, picture a case where there’s a girl, in a class, showing signs of boredom, like drawing silly symbols on her note, playing with her hair or acting restless, the technical ones take note of these and use them as conversation starters.
30% of the time, these guys end up in the friend-zone. This is because they’re usually nice and sensitive. The real truth, most of the time, is that these guys put themselves in the friend-zone or even zone the babe. This makes the girls vulnerable. The technical guys take advantage of this and use this to get to know more about the girl. Because the girl doesn’t regard him as a threat, she opens up to him and tells him a lot of stuff. The technical guys use this to constantly build their rapport with women. When they’ve built their rapport to a very high level, they STRIKE. For those who don’t know, rapport means a relationship of mutual understanding and trust and agreement between people.
A technical guy doesn’t need up to two days to strike. And when he strikes, he strikes hard. He hits the girl where she’s most vulnerable and she has no choice but to let her guard down. They find it easy to get what they want a lot because they understand girls well.
These guys are serious fun to be around. Their sense of humor is extremely high. You can never have a conversation with a technical guy and not laugh. And when you laugh, you’ll laugh hard.
They can be sensitive. They understand you and know what you want or need. Deep inside, these guys are WOAH! Girls often underestimate them.
Relationships with these guys are usually cool and successful. They understand you and know when to do what and what to do when. The only problem you can have with this kind is that they can be hard to read. And in some cases, they’d hate publicity and prefer to keep their relationship and the details about them private.

3. The Split/Opposite Ones
The guys in this category are funny. They are usually guys that aren’t interested in women. They think they aren’t or pretend not to be but deep inside, they are. They usually lack confidence and find it hard to relate with the opposite sex. Their level of confidence can be seriously depressing. They get naturally zoned a good percentage of the time.
The way these guys operate is quite different. Guys in other categories may operate in the same way, the technical guys especially, but they’re not as good as these split guys at it.
These guys are the ones that base their relationships on a virtual basis. They are the ones that meet 90% of the girls they know online. They use platforms like Twitter or Facebook or text messaging or BBM to meet people and build their relationships with the opposite sex. They find it hard to use Skype for their operations because of their lack of confidence. Phone calls are also hard for these guys.
In the virtual world, social networks and the rest, these guys are KINGS. They are so skilled in the art. These guys often get the girls they want but it takes a lot of time usually. And the relationships they build are superficial.
So far, it may look like these guys do stuff the technical guys would do but there’s a major difference. This difference is that, in real life, the technical guys can handle their interaction with girls. The split/opposite guys cannot. This is where the name of this category comes from. Online, these guys are free and keep cool conversations. But in real life, they are absolute learners. They freeze at times and can say nothing when in real life situations. That’s the major trait and only downside sort of of these kind of guys.
A relationship with this kind of guys can turn out in so many ways. They are the best for long distance relationships. They are usually safe and like to keep everything about their relationship on the lowest key.
Sometimes, guys like this make a transition into a technical kind of guy. This is one of the reasons a relationship with a split guy can end in many ways. Other times, they can turn out to be confident guys later in future. Basically, a split/opposite guy is a work-in-progress.

According to Shovel, this is the right and only valid categorization of guys.

Most of the time, guys never actually fall under one particular category. They or we are usually a combination of any two or all three of the categories. This causes us to have complicated traits and makes us much harder to understand. That’s what we believe but the truth is that, no matter how complex or complicated we feel we are, girls still find it easy to see through us, sadly. Their brains have a filtering mechanism that makes them filter out the true nature of boys regardless of how hard he tries to pretend. Also, they read body language really well so it takes a really crazy guy to play a false persona. In the end, we guys still have to fall under one, two or all three of these categories.

With this, I hope I’ve clarified things. Girls have to ditch the belief that all guys are the same. I strongly believe that a girl that feels all guys are the same is the problem. Picture a case where I keep buying TV remote controls and put the same battery inside. I would be wrong to blame all the remote controls. It’s highly plausible that the problem is from the battery. How does this relate to what I’ve been saying? The girl is the battery and the boys are the remote controls. Sometime soon, I’ll be talking about the girls.

No apology for going AWOL :p

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