There’s Really Nothing in this Life for the Beardless 

 

Before I begin –

1) Yes, it’s 2017. Yes, you would think beard talk isn’t a thing anymore. Yes, I don’t care. Yes, I’m triggered.

2) Agreed, it’s wrong to call the name of the Lord in vain but,

GOD.

Some weeks back, I was bored at home and decided to go see Kong, which by the way is awesome. Got to the cinema and Kong was showing 3 hours later. To while away time, I got a ticket to see Beauty and the Beast since it was starting in 10 minutes and was going to end 20 minutes before Kong.

This is not a review of the movie. Neither is it a critique of the movie (those two words mean the same thing, or their close in meaning, no? Okay). One thing I would say is, Beauty and the Beast is a laptop movie (which makes me wonder how on Earth it has grossed over $1bn. I’m not even joking °°

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Disney really isn’t your favs mate b °°)

I don’t regret seeing it though, much. But I would have been happier if I didn’t see it at all. Not because it was boring or cheesy or useless, but because of a simple string of words Belle uttered. 

The movie started and everything was going fine. I wasn’t annoyed with the singing; half expected it. Lowkey remembered most of the songs, but you don’t need to know that since I constantly say I’m a hard guy. It’s a live action remake, and so there wasn’t going to be much difference from the cartoon we watched growing up.

Finally got to the end of the movie and everyone was happy. It wasn’t a bad movie…….. Until the final scene.

If you don’t know, Beauty and the Beast is in one sentence about a girl that falls in love with a beast, an actual beast, because he has money. Not even joking. Girls have been finessing men since the 90’s people, stay woke –story for another day–.

No really, that’s what the movie is about. At the end, Beast turns back into a handsome prince or something. He’s clean shaven and looks very alright and proper.

Here, the ideal thing, sensible thing even, would be for Belle (the finesser) to be happy-ier that Beast is now a proper man; because who in their right senses would prefer a Beast? Unfortunately, the answer to that is Belle and here’s why. I can’t remember the exact words but this is what happened.

So Belle and Beast (now a man) are dancing, smiling, everyone in the room is dancing. My man Lumiere was definitely the happiest in the room cos now he can give his babe what she’s been craving for daysss 🌚 Everyone is happy. And then Belle says to Beast and I guess-quote
‘What do you think about a beard??’

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Most people probably didn’t hear her say it, or ignored it, but I didn’t. Do you understand the depth of that statement? Like if you deep it, you would be….hash-tag shoooook doesn’t even properly describe the feeling. You mean, my man just turned back into a man, lost all the hair, his horns and ugliness; he’s now looking good and clean shaven and the first thing you think of is a beard?

I wasn’t triggered because I don’t have a proper beard. I have decent facial hair and if it isn’t enough for you, that’s your personal problem. It just hurts to know that these women won’t fully accept you if you don’t have a beard. Explains a lot tbh.

Women really are scum. Scummier than men and that says something because menaskom.

But Damn.

There’s really nothing in this life for the beardless.

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You Too You’re Calling Men Scum?

Spent the last twenty minutes or so trying to remember my password. Shows how long I’ve been away. It would have been very convenient to lean back and enjoy the laziness and misbehavior that keeps me away from putting stuff out for your reading pleasure, but I was provoked out of semi-retirement.

Personally, Twitter is bants. It’s just jokes and play. This doesn’t apply to everyone as recent events have proven and I was not really understanding. Until…

So I’m scrolling, RT-ing and Lmaooo-ing at whatever was lmaooo-able. Recurring theme, ‘Men are Scum’. People are proper creative. I laugh at the jokes. Ordinary scum and some were catching feelings. So I’m laughing, enjoying the ‘men are scum’ tweets; then I come across this one tweet.

I was provoked. It was a simple tweet –

‘Men are scum’

@User673 wasn’t the first person to tweet that line, but she was the first person to tweet it and annoy me. Why? Because @User673 is mad.

A part of me feels I’ve told this story before but I don’t really care.

Back in  Secondary school, I used to engage in the act of womanizing, albeit low level. I am not proud of it but I was in the world. Womanizing was a way of life. I couldn’t go a day without womanizing. Womanizing was my drug. I used to womanize in the morning, womanize in the afternoon, and womanize in the night. Even used to womanize in the dream. Sometimes, teacher would ask a question and to womanize would be what comes to my mind first.

This vice had me making some terrible decisions. I regret none of them, except one.

It was a good night. Night prep time. I was supposed to be studying but I was womanizing. It was high grade womanizing that night. In the process, a lot of noise was being made. This attracted the attention of the teacher on duty, Mr. Ozigagu. I do not remember much but I will never forget Mr. Ozigagu’s flogging expertise.

The girls I was womanizing with were the source of the noise. Mr. Ozigagu came into the classroom and demanded to know who was responsible for the noise-making. Beloved, if there’s one thing you should avoid in life, it is vagabondic friends. Goes without saying I had such.

In a bid to maybe, parrap impress the girls, one of my friends who was womanizing with me stood up and claimed to be the noisemaker. Another guy stood up and said the same. I  noticed what I imagined to be adoration in the eyes of the womam and so I stood up too.

Mr. Ozigagu commanded us to come forward. We did and one by one, he started to bless us with 6 strokes of the horse whip each. First guy stepped forward and took all without flinching. The girls giggled. Second guy collected and flinched at the 5th stroke but went through with his session. It was my turn.

I stepped forward, ready to receive.

First stroke, I swallowed spit. My ass was clenched tightly and I told myself I was a hard guy. Second stroke, I screamed and scratched. Third stroke, I started to cry and begged. In the end, I took all the strokes and embarrassed myself.

How does this relate with anything? Well, it so happens that @User673 was one of the girls I was womanizing that night. I received 6 strokes of the horse whip on her behalf and she has the effrontery to utter the statement that ‘men are scum’? You mean I was scumming while receiving quality strokes(PHRASING)?

Dear Miss @User673,

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PS- I have never womanized