My Life; Your Entertainment

WARNING: The following content possesses no regard for the English Language as all laws or rules of English were not obeyed. It was not revised or proof-read. It equally has no atom of Chill, is RAW to the core and long. This is not for the easily disgusted, weak at heart, lazy or the ‘judging’. If you know you can’t handle any of the listed above, kindly close this page and smash whatever technological device you are viewing this on. Oluwaseyi Opeyemi Soneye, 93rd King of Abeokuta, 2nd cousin of Iya Rainbow is in no way responsible and doesn’t give half a goat about what your views, opinions, reaction or whatever is to the this content. However, he won’t mind if you direct your opinions to that comment side. Opinions being what you feel, typological errors, complaints and blah. Dazzal.

Today, well yesterday now, but today sha. You get? Ehen, as you and the whole world obviously knows, I never wake up before 10am lowest sha, except there’s a fire or something. So this morning, things were not supposed to go according to plan. I woke up quite early. 4am at first. Not that I wanted to but you know na, hot, peppery poopoo demands to be felt and released. I went to put plenty pepper in my Indomie the previous day. So sha, after really suffering in the toilet, I thought it was allova and so I went back to my bed and slept. As I said, poopoo demands to be felt and so I was up again, this time 4:30am. Awkward yeah? Devil has a wristwatch uno. So I went about the business. Nothing really came out sha. Ma checked on me and saw that I was awake which was wrong. I never see her in the morning, only if I game all night. So she tells me to follow her to her room where she asked if I was depressed or sad. She said she was really worried, that I’ve not been going out much. And that I’ve not been calling too. I thought she was being funny but you know that face Yoruba women put on when they’re not cracking jokes… So sha, I told her not to worry, that I call and I go out. Pops woke up and began to buttress Ma’s point. I actually started giggling but these people didn’t shine gums. So Ma said I must go out today. I told her I wanted to the previous night so it wasn’t surprising. I give her a confused look and she’s like ‘Yes, Seyi were really worried. Are you depressed? You can tell me. What are you doing in the house? An idle mind is the devil’s workshop o. You’ve not been playing games for the past 3 or 4 days and you don’t even do that your blog thing’. I wanted to answer, “World Cup” but naah, so I tell her not to worry and take my leave.

It was like a dream to me cos I don’t see‘4:30am’ much.

So sha, I slept but once again, hot poopoo wakes me up. This one was hotter than fire. Hotter than Mocheddah yo. I acc poured water on my ass as I released. My ass is not big like your own so it was quite easy for water to reach my anus. Naah, released is just wrong but I’m not ready to stress my brain. So after that one, I begin to do nothing in particular. The poopoo calmed down, actually went. The day was going fine. Until I went to one ATM to withdraw before I headed out only to see . In my mind, I’m like, “Nice joke”. I tried again and money came out.

Sha sha, I checked to see the movies that were showing and TFIOS was showing in Ozone; although I’d checked the previous day. So last last Ozone was my choice. It’s dead but hey. Pops didn’t leave for work early so I suggested I drive us to ozone and drop off. So when I was ready to leave, I got in the driver’s seat while Pops rode shotgun. As I’ve said before, my driving skills are at 22% and my street confidence is at 2% so after I almost bashed the car from too much fidgeting, Pops laughed and told me to forget. So he drove and dropped me at a bus stop (the guy sha).

I got to Ozone and immediately went in cos TFIOS was starting soon. So I went in the big TV place and sat down. This is where the day started fam

I was busy bbm-ing and temple running o, when one light skin, (Oh My God! I don’t know what to call her mehn) sat next to me. I looked up from the phone and saw her face. Nothing came to my mind. Only that I had to compose around this babe. Trust me to immediately throw a stick of Orbit in my mouth. Mans always armed with Orbit. Brethren, she was BURRIVVVUUULLL. Like Kim K meets a female version of Seyi Soneye meets Agbani Darego meets Caro meets two angels meets naah, not Rihanna, meets Lupita meets everything meet-able. I actually used scopes to be gauging her. Da Lord is a Great Lord people. She was wearing a white cropped top or whatever it’s called. It was half of a regular top sha (That’s cropped innit?). She was busty. I could see part of the bwezz cos the cropped tee was a V-neck. Have you seen cleavage that makes you happy before? I have. Fine bwezz no pimple. I wasn’t scoping that area of the female but it sorta reached out to me by itself. Bwezz can sometimes mess with the thinking of a brotha yo. Ass is not key. Niggas have ass. But bwezz mehn. What you can do to bwezz! Plus she wasn’t skinny skinny. And those close to me know I’m all about not skinny skinny females. I’m also a mlut so I don’t mind skinny skinny girls but not skinny skinny girls do well with this Brotha anytime. Actually I think I’m cool with any kind of female.

So I’m gauging the babe and dying like a mumu in Temple run. I’m disorganized and so I’m checking BBM, temple running, googling shit and searching for something on lifeofshovel. From the way she spoke, I’m guessing deffs not Igbo so Yoruba probably. In all of this, funny enough, I’m actually not interested in the girl. Of course I wanted to talk to her cos she came with who I’m guessing is her junior brother who was deffs not a problem to get rid of. But I’m also gauging bants cos this could be a trap. In my short life, I’ve had traps come my way and I’ve chopped some, so naah, man had to be wiser. So I’m done gauging the babe and then I’m busy scrolling through lifeofshovel, looking for a particular post and minding my business when allofasudden, she taps me and says, ‘You read that too’. I was too shocked that she tapped me so I’m not even trying to understand how dafuq she knows lifeofshovel. I’m calculating algebra and Further Maths in my mind cos I don’t want to mess this up and so I say, extremely casually, ‘Yeah, I’m guessing you do too’. Then she’s like ‘Oh My God, I do. It’s funny, some sha’. I didn’t want to let her know she was talking to Uncle Shovel himself, cos you know, manss not about easy things life. So I say, ‘Which post is your favourite?’ ‘Umm, I think, Susan or the one about a baby sister. That one about his sister and cousin is funny’.’. While she’s mentioning, I’m calculating PhD Maths to know which post was which. Then she asks which one was my favourite and then I told her the one about the rats. She was like ‘Eww’ and so in my mind, I’m stabbing myself. Sha sha, the movie starts and I’m getting a not-so-good vibe from the movie cos I could tell what was gonna happen next; and the words too. So I mistakenly say what Gus was gonna say one time and ‘Hotcake’ looks to at me and asks if I’ve watched the movie before and I tell her naah, I’ve watched the book. She giggles and I’m wondering why. Then I gauged what I said and didn’t bother correcting myself. She said she’s read the book too so were discussing about it while the movie’s going on and were pointing out all the flaws. Like how Hazel pops didn’t cry in the movie. So sha, I want this girl to know I actually read the book, which is a gay act in some minds, but naah mehn, I’m feeling like Red Ranger cos she was impressed. I’m talking about the book and being philosophical, speaking like an English student, spitting fire yo. I’m talking Wole Soyinka meets that Patrick guy fire. Spitting words I know don’t exist. But she’s clearly gullible cos she’s nodding her head and agreeing with me. So we go on and on and break once in a while cos uno, the 500 me I paid cannot waste. Movie ends and this lady actually pulled a rapture move on me by standing up and walking out. She didn’t say a word.

So I’m sitting there, trying to understand what had just happened. Eyes welled up but uno can’t act like a female cos of some fine ass female. So I get up and get out. The day’s still young so I decide to watch another movie. Man chose Blended cos Adam Sandler is a very close friend. So I get a hotdog and Fanta cos Fanta is life and go into the big TV place again. I sight ‘Hotcake’ and I say ‘Shit’ to myself. I don’t want it to look like I’m following her so I chose to seat in front of her. I made it look like a coincidence tho. So the movie begins and next thing I know, ‘Hotcake’ appears next to me.

I’m calculating what had just happened when she asks me for my name. I knew it was time to change it for her so I tell her ‘Seyi Soneye’ louding that Soneye part so she’ll know it was the Shovel himself. I’m about that lowkks life so I tell her not to make a big deal out of it cos she’s already saying ‘Oh My God!’ in a seemingly loud tone. We’re watching the movie and laughing like hell cos it’s a funny ass movie. After some time, this girl actually put her hand on my lap. It was there for a second but it felt like 32 years cos manss mind was roaming like MTN. I’m busy imagining all sorts and cursing any Jezebelic spirit when she simply grabbed the phone which was on my lap and began to play temple run. I hit myself for putting it there. So we begin to talk and she’s asking me why I tell stories and if they’re true. I’m answering her, uno, treating her like a fan cos I have other women in my life. She’s almost interviewing me and in my mind, I’m like, ‘Bruh, you’re almost zoning a 10 yo. Like fan-zoning a 10’. I’m doing the nae nae, skelewu-ing and dancing alingo at the same time while I thought about it. The rapport I was building here was epic mehn cos I’m giving her some Lava hot fire questions to answer. Them questions that reach deep into her soul. Were really connecting. So I’m thinking about it. Do I get her contacts or do make her queen of my fan-zone? The former seemed appealing cos she’s the kind of female I know I might never come across again but then the latter seemed like a Superman move (Silly ehh?)

Perfect 10 Sir. Perfect. Her only flaw was that she kept pronouncing ‘Gus’ as in ‘Gauss’ as ‘Goos’.

Movie was at the end and I’m still reasoning it as we spoke when allofasudden she seemed to type something on her phone after which she gave me my phone. I’m smiling cos I’m guessing she typed her contacts into my phone too. I checked my phone only to see that this light-skin demoness had killed my battery. I’m bout to ask her why and then she placed her left hand on my shoulder and began to lean in. I’m thinking, ‘keez keez’ so I’m gauging her lips and mouth for any ‘gbogbozee’ or ‘yamayama’. It was like another film trick when she placed a casual peck on my cheek. I’m thinking, ‘Davug?’ when this female stood up and left like nothing happened.

After 2 minutes of understanding everything that had just happened, it dawns on me that I never got her name although I knew her brother’s name was David cos she mentioned it once. So I get up and fast walk out of that place. Man was searching for this girl like they searching for them Chibok girls. I didn’t find her so I’m feeling stupid as hell. I hiss really loud and got out of da building.

So it’s time to go home and I get on a bus cos that’s life for you. I’m a little teary-eyed so I put my head down. I can’t wait to get home cos I wanna watch football and forget that light-skin but trust Lagos traffic to change it for me. So obviously, nothing worse can happen and whatdoyouknow? One smelly ass dude sat next to me. This guy smelt like ammonia mixed with rotten rat. I hold my breath for as long as I can cos I’m not with my inhaler and I’m not ready to die. Traffic speeds up so I could breathe now. I get home to meet no light so I sit and begin to reminisce.

And then I got a phone call.

<Private Number> I pick up and say ‘Hello’ in the tushest voice possible cos uno, it could be the white man calling to tell me I had a billion dollars somewhere.

Then the caller’s like

‘Hello, Seyi. It’s me, I sat next to you today’

I’ve summersaulted 300 times and I’m about to ask how she got my number and what her name was…..

Then the line went dead…..



All Guys are the same??!

‘All guys are the same’. To be honest, my heart does a backflip anytime I hear women say this. It’s quite unfair how they generalize after one guy messes up. The fact that one guy did something bad or hurtful to you doesn’t mean ALL guys would do the same thing. And cos of this misconception, I’m going to be giving you my own classification of guys. I’m one of them so the probability that my classification would make any sense is really high.
I can’t say for sure how many classifications of guys are in the world because the classifications vary based on age group. To avoid any confusion, I’m going to stick to my own age group, that’s teenagers, 15-19 to be more precise.
For this category, there are quite a number of classifications but I’ll stick to the major and important ones.
1. The Confident Ones
From the name, it’s obvious the guys here are confident. These are the kind of guys that aren’t scared to approach a woman they’re interested in, regardless of the setting, environment or whatever. If they’re interested in a woman, these guys don’t care who’s around her or with her. Whether its the woman’s friends or family, the guy still goes.
Most of the time, these guys are seriously good-looking and dress really well. They’re the guys who take their outfits personal. And of course, there are some of them that don’t but they’re few. They make sure they look good irrespective of what they’re doing or where they are. They don’t care if there in a class, at a party, in church, playing soccer or any sport, taking a stroll, they make sure they look good. In some cases, they’re not good looking but their fashion sense makes it easy to overlook.
In actual sense, this trait gives them an edge when they approach a woman. I mean, imagine you’re a woman and a good looking guy that’s dressed really well makes a move onto you. Before he says anything, you’ll most likely be interested in him or you’ll be ready to give him your attention and listen to whatever he has to say.
Guys in this category, 90% of the time, possess the skill of talking with the opposite sex. Talking to girls or people in general comes easy to them. They do so with no nervousness or fear. These guys can be bosses in this aspect. When they want a girl, they go lengths to get her and they usually get her most of the time. They don’t waste much time because their reputation does most of the work.
The remaining 10% that don’t have this skill (talking with girls) seriously suck at keeping a conversation going with girls. Because of this, they cover up with their good looks and cool fashion sense. They use those to attract girls and a good number of girls won’t mind being with them because these guys are usually famous. This in turn gets the girls famous by association.
Girls find it hard to friend-zone these guys because they’re hard to. There are some evil women that friend-zone these kind of guys though. These kind of girls are…………. Let’s leave that for another day.
The upside of getting in a relationship with these kind of guys is quite obvious. You can get famous by association through them and they’re fun to talk to and they like to have a good time.
The downside is that, at times, it takes serious dedication to maintain a relationship with them. They can be so high maintenance. As I said earlier, these guys are famous. They, even if they don’t mean to, know a lot of people and definitely, a good number of women would be involved. For the really emotional girls that get jealous easily, these guys could be frustrating. They don’t mean to but they’re forced to be around many other girls and it can be annoying.
Well nothing’s perfect, so you just gotta manage.

2. The Technical Ones
I fancy this category a lot. These guys are semi-confident, confident in some cases. With respect to approaching a woman, these guys usually possess certain techniques they utilize. These techniques may vary from guy to guy but they’re mostly in the same vein. In a case where they’re in a public place and the probability of seeing the girl they want to approach another time is very low, they gather up confidence and go to the girl. The gathering of confidence takes a while because this is not how these guys operate naturally. When they eventually gather up confidence, they go to the girl and indirectly start a conversation. Topics of the conversation are mostly stuff regarding the environment they’re in. It may be about how the girl is enjoying the place, what she’s doing there or what she’s up to. These guys are seriously technical so they pay serious attention to detail.
In most cases, their confidence level isn’t so high so they can’t approach the woman directly. They devise tactics like intercepting the girl somewhere or using something they notice about her to get her attention. They take advantage of situations and meet their target woman through these situations. An example is this, picture a case where there’s a girl, in a class, showing signs of boredom, like drawing silly symbols on her note, playing with her hair or acting restless, the technical ones take note of these and use them as conversation starters.
30% of the time, these guys end up in the friend-zone. This is because they’re usually nice and sensitive. The real truth, most of the time, is that these guys put themselves in the friend-zone or even zone the babe. This makes the girls vulnerable. The technical guys take advantage of this and use this to get to know more about the girl. Because the girl doesn’t regard him as a threat, she opens up to him and tells him a lot of stuff. The technical guys use this to constantly build their rapport with women. When they’ve built their rapport to a very high level, they STRIKE. For those who don’t know, rapport means a relationship of mutual understanding and trust and agreement between people.
A technical guy doesn’t need up to two days to strike. And when he strikes, he strikes hard. He hits the girl where she’s most vulnerable and she has no choice but to let her guard down. They find it easy to get what they want a lot because they understand girls well.
These guys are serious fun to be around. Their sense of humor is extremely high. You can never have a conversation with a technical guy and not laugh. And when you laugh, you’ll laugh hard.
They can be sensitive. They understand you and know what you want or need. Deep inside, these guys are WOAH! Girls often underestimate them.
Relationships with these guys are usually cool and successful. They understand you and know when to do what and what to do when. The only problem you can have with this kind is that they can be hard to read. And in some cases, they’d hate publicity and prefer to keep their relationship and the details about them private.

3. The Split/Opposite Ones
The guys in this category are funny. They are usually guys that aren’t interested in women. They think they aren’t or pretend not to be but deep inside, they are. They usually lack confidence and find it hard to relate with the opposite sex. Their level of confidence can be seriously depressing. They get naturally zoned a good percentage of the time.
The way these guys operate is quite different. Guys in other categories may operate in the same way, the technical guys especially, but they’re not as good as these split guys at it.
These guys are the ones that base their relationships on a virtual basis. They are the ones that meet 90% of the girls they know online. They use platforms like Twitter or Facebook or text messaging or BBM to meet people and build their relationships with the opposite sex. They find it hard to use Skype for their operations because of their lack of confidence. Phone calls are also hard for these guys.
In the virtual world, social networks and the rest, these guys are KINGS. They are so skilled in the art. These guys often get the girls they want but it takes a lot of time usually. And the relationships they build are superficial.
So far, it may look like these guys do stuff the technical guys would do but there’s a major difference. This difference is that, in real life, the technical guys can handle their interaction with girls. The split/opposite guys cannot. This is where the name of this category comes from. Online, these guys are free and keep cool conversations. But in real life, they are absolute learners. They freeze at times and can say nothing when in real life situations. That’s the major trait and only downside sort of of these kind of guys.
A relationship with this kind of guys can turn out in so many ways. They are the best for long distance relationships. They are usually safe and like to keep everything about their relationship on the lowest key.
Sometimes, guys like this make a transition into a technical kind of guy. This is one of the reasons a relationship with a split guy can end in many ways. Other times, they can turn out to be confident guys later in future. Basically, a split/opposite guy is a work-in-progress.

According to Shovel, this is the right and only valid categorization of guys.

Most of the time, guys never actually fall under one particular category. They or we are usually a combination of any two or all three of the categories. This causes us to have complicated traits and makes us much harder to understand. That’s what we believe but the truth is that, no matter how complex or complicated we feel we are, girls still find it easy to see through us, sadly. Their brains have a filtering mechanism that makes them filter out the true nature of boys regardless of how hard he tries to pretend. Also, they read body language really well so it takes a really crazy guy to play a false persona. In the end, we guys still have to fall under one, two or all three of these categories.

With this, I hope I’ve clarified things. Girls have to ditch the belief that all guys are the same. I strongly believe that a girl that feels all guys are the same is the problem. Picture a case where I keep buying TV remote controls and put the same battery inside. I would be wrong to blame all the remote controls. It’s highly plausible that the problem is from the battery. How does this relate to what I’ve been saying? The girl is the battery and the boys are the remote controls. Sometime soon, I’ll be talking about the girls.

No apology for going AWOL :p

Follow @SeyiSoneye 🙂