The Girl in the Purple Dress

I haven’t dropped anything in my comfort zone for a while now and so today, I won’t be doing weird like the past two weeks or so.

This is a story from a while back; From my first days at Uni.

I remember how going to Uni for the first time was. Haha, I’m lying. I don’t remember cos there weren’t any feelings. I won’t bother with unnecessary details though and go straight to the point.

If there’s a memory from my first semester in Uni that would never leave my mind, it would be the one about the girl in the purple dress.

If you think this is a romantic something, prepare to be disappointed

I wasn’t familiar with the school environment. I had been there a couple times prior to getting enrolled there but I never learned my way around.

The way my school is set up, lectures started the same week we resumed. At least I think so cos that’s what I remember.

It took eternity to find where my first ever lecture in Uni was going to hold. I was with some friends though so I knew if there was any form of embarrassment that came with getting to that lecture late, I wouldn’t suffer it alone.

Luckily, we found the place about 10 minutes to the time for the lecture to start; and because 100 level, everybody forming initial gra gra, and stuff, the place was full.

First lecture was alright; GEC 117. We didn’t learn anything cos all we did that morning was choose course reps. Stupidest procedure ever uno. We basically selected the guys that were in suits and the babes that were more attractive, out of the aspirants that came out that is.

As I said earlier, first lecture was alright. What I didn’t tell you is that it wasn’t alright all through. About an hour in, my stomach began to complain. I ate a lot of nonsense the previous night so I really wasn’t surprised. I got up, stepped out and began to walk.

And then it hit me.

I didn’t know where the toilet was.

While holding the stubborn thing and asking upandan, I finally found the place. The one I was directed to was located awkwardly; kind of open, and it wasn’t gender specific. But ki lo kan me. The desperation was 🔥 and so I got in and proceeded to do my business.

It didn’t occur to me that the door could be opened anytime initially but once it crossed my mind, I positioned myself awkwardly in a way I would continue doing my business and hold the door shut.

See, I hate being uncomfortable when I’m doing my business so I said a short prayer, stating how I wanted to have an uninterrupted, calming session but just before I could send the prayer up with an amen; I saw the light. And purple.

Yup, light.

image

Before I could recover from the shock of seeing the door open, a girl I couldn’t identify because of the darkness stepped in and stared at me.

It had been 8 seconds (cos I was counting) and this bitch (no apologies) kept staring.

She had them curves though; darkness can’t hide those. And she wore a purple dress.

After an awkward 13 seconds, she finally stepped out. I didn’t hear footsteps fade out so I knew this girl was waiting for me.

I think I cried. I didn’t have any form of reputation yet and this girl was going to help me start Uni with embarrassment.

I won’t say how I had to wait for an hour or so till there wasn’t any sound; or how I tried to find the girl in the purple dress so I would kill her and hide her body; or how I covered my face; or how I didn’t tell any of my guys till date; or how I’m scared this girl has been seeing me for the past few years and smiles cos she knows I don’t know she knows I don’t know she’s the one that had the purple dress on and came into the toilet that morning.

I still don’t know who it was obviously. But in case you ever see this

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Why Twitter is the Devil’s Weapon

Children of God, May the devil and his agents never play ping pong with your lives. Say amen.
I need to fast and pray. And I need to do so NOW. Something is definitely wrong somewhere. I cannot understand why unfortunate events must occur with me as the star of the show.
My story began when I decided to get out of the house and do something tangible with my life. African mothers carry no man or woman for nine moths so that they will come out and be lazy. Therefore, I found my way to a family friend’s office to learn some skills. Office work is not much fun especially if you’re not getting paid and so you can imagine the joy in my heart when it’s time to leave. I left rather early because nothing worthwhile was happening. 1300 in my pocket because there was no reason to spend much. Left hand in my pocket, right hand just dilly dallying, I set forth on a journey to the bus stop.
Recently, everytime I go out of the house, or come in contact with non-family, nothing good happens. So you can be sure that I wasn’t suprised when it began to rain. I did not want to smell like wet clothes so walking in the rain wasn’t an option. That’s how one of the devil’s people fired an idea that turned out to be wretched into my yoruba head.
I saw this restaurant. Okay that’s a lie. It was a ‘food place’. Okay that’s another partial lie. It was a ‘Buka’. Or ‘Mama Put’. But it was a tush ‘Buka’. I have some standards.
I entered this ‘Buka’ for shelter people. The rain didn’t look like it was going to stop anytime soon and so I took a seat in the ‘Buka’.
This is where the devil used that thing called ‘Twitter’ to attack me. I opened Twitter; time had to be used up. Two tweets down, I started seeing tweets about Ewa Agoyin. Every normal human being knows Ewa Agoyin is the wife of the Great Ruler of the Food Kingdom, Dodo. I had to get in on the topic so I began retweeting anything Ewa G related. Next thing, I started to smell Ewa G. I thought I was imagining it initially but I shit you not, the smell tapped my head and told me to turn around.
Behold, see Ewa G. Hot Ewa G. Steaming Ewa G with one very red stew. People of the Most High, Body no be firewood na. This was temptation at its highest. Potiphar’s wife’s temptation game was not second or third to this. As I said, body no be firewood so be not amazed to know that I stood up and found my way to the table where the Ewa was being sold.
Okay. Everything that follows was written in complete pain and agony. (But first of all, where is this Agoyin place?)
When I got to the table, I waited in line till it was my turn. It was a very short line. I’m guessing that was because it wasn’t lunch time for most people or something. Anyway, when it was my turn, or when the thing knack me, as some people say, I told this Yoruba woman to give me Ewa G. Mind you, this was not my first time at a Mama Put joint so I knew the whole food purchasing procedure. Everyone was speaking Yoruba and so I felt I had to. So in Yoruba, I told this woman to serve me Ewa Agoyin. I even said ‘Eating’ so she would know it wasn’t ‘Takeaway’. And so this woman began to serve the Ewa G. She didn’t ask me how much I wanted or anything, she just served. Acting like she was my mother. She motioned her lips to the pot of stew cos that’s how Nigerians point and I got her message so I said ‘Two’. Iya Wunmi gave me my plate of Ewa G and two meat.
He who is without sin should cast the first stone.
I politely asked this woman how much the food was. She answered ‘450’ with a disgusted look. I’m no mumu fam. 450 ko? When it is not beans from The Garden of Eden. (Remember that this whole conversation was in Yoruba). I told her to stop joking but I said so in a polite way. Next Thing, e be like magic, Iya Wunmi stood up and started shouting
‘E gba mi o. Jesu! Iru weere buruku le gbe wa sinu shoopu mi. Ase weere lomo yi. Hee, ko ma ye mi o. Won ti se pe fun eleyi lati ibi to ti’n bo’
In English, ‘See me see trouble o! Jesus! Which kind of mad person did you bring to my shop. So this boy is a mad person sef. Ehh, I don’t understand o. They have cursed this one from wherever he is coming from’

Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause.

I did not understand. This is way beyond the ‘I didn’t ezperrit’ jokes. I couldn’t laugh and I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t shout and I couldn’t keep quiet. This woman did not stop. She went on and on. I stood there and began to explain nothing in particular. I tried to calm her down but all efforts proved futile. She was drawing serious attention. I couldn’t take it anymore. I began to fidget. The Ewa G didn’t fall, trust your boy. I put my hand In my pocket and pulled out a 1000 naira note. After begging her to calm down, she collected it and I made my way to one table to consume my food. Embarrassment or not, money cannot waste. After eating it, I remembered my change. Iya Wunmi gave me that ‘Won o bi e da’ look (Them no born you well).
I didn’t ask for my change. She didn’t remind me.
How would I get home now??

Imma trek trek

Back When…

Hello! Hi! How are you? How you doing? What’s good? What’s happening? What have you been up to? How has your day been? Now that I’m done with the greetings, life shall continue. I hope you guys have been good though.

So I just realized that it’s been a really long time since I dropped something on here for you guys to read and then laugh, mock and judge me. I’ve decided to be the bigger man and accept your wickedness.  So no complaints.

That’s enough beating around the bush so lemme go straight into what I have for you today. Today, I’m going to be making an effort to boost the self-esteem of whoever needs it. Before I go on, I want you guys to know that what you are about to see is seriously embarrassing on sooooo many levels. And cos of this, I’m going to hide my face for the next seven hundred and forty eight thousand years just so none of you point and laugh at me whenever you see me. That being said, I want you to grab a glass of chilled water and relax cos today’s gonna be different. You might also need a roll of tissue paper cos you must cry for me.

So on Thursday, after I had done some studying, I decided to surf the web (That’s the tush way of saying it yeah?). Immediately I connected, my five default pages opened; Twitter, YouTube, Neopets, Disney Channel and Cartoon Network. I checked if there were any new games on the latter three pages but there weren’t any. This broke my heart. I checked YouTube for anything that could interest me but there was nothing. I prayed for something sensible to be happening on twitter but nothing really sensible was there. The night seemed hopeless and so I gave up on the internet and concluded it was a sign that my bed needed me. It felt like a great idea but the night was way too young for me to sleep. I decided to give the internet a second chance and so I opened a new tab. I thought about what pages to open but nothing came to mind. After a few minutes of me staring at the screen, I decided to open Facebook. Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah………….. I’m getting bored too. Lemme just go straight to what happened there.

Normal Facebook procedure, check for someone to chat with, judge some people based on their pictures, read some funny comments and the other stuff we all do.  When I was done with all this, I decided to check my messages from wayyyyyyyy baaaccckkk. It was a terrible mistake brethren. This is where shit gets real.

Immediately I began to read a certain chat from 2010, I buried my head in my hands and began to cry. I saw some really cheesy stuff. I still can’t believe I could say things like that. After what felt like three or five minutes of crying, I wiped the tears and continued reading.

My typing was serious crap. You might not understand what I’m saying but when you see something like this

 shit 1

you’ll get my point. Funny enough, this is nothing compared to this really sad one I saw. I mean, nothing in life should be as cheesy as this

 shit 2

Yep, I typed that, with my own fingers. That’s all me. If it ended there, I’d be extremely happy but it didn’t. There’s more crazy stuff.

Gauge this one.

shit 5

English should never, ever, ever, ever, be this serious. Then this one too

shit 4

 What the actual vugg is that? It doesn’t end there o, there’s one more. Now this one is by far the wrongest of them all, the worst of them all, the most stupid of them all, and the daftest of them all. The killing part is that it’s by far the most sexual thing I’ve seen in my life. I don’t think anything on earth can be as sexual as this

shit 3

 Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, lizards and snakes, I think it’s clear that I’ve killed it. The sad part is that I know most of you have done worse than me. I won’t say anything. I hope I’ve convinced any of you that used to think your case is hopeless. Whatever your case is, I’m sure it can never be as pitiful as what I’ve just shown you. (The funny thing is that I was educated when all this happened)

Anyway, that’s all for today. The cheesiness and madness has to stop. I hope y’all enjoyed reading this and judging. That was way back though. I’m a changed man now. ^ ^ I understand English better.

So in my next post, I’m going to be doing a sort of QnA, that’s question and answer. If you guys have any questions for me, simply mail me @ seyisoneye@yahoo.com or get at me on twitter @SeyiSoneye. I’d make the whole thing into a post for all of you to read and judge me based on my answers. You should know that if you ask me stuff like “If Moin-Moin Costs 50 Naira, How Much Does Moin Cost?” I can only pray for you.

And with that, we’ve come to the end of today’s post. I hope you guys have a great weekend. And a special shout-out to all October-borns out there!! It’s our month baby!
Follow @SeyiSoneye

What Did I do to Deserve This?

Hiiii Guys!! So I’m extremely happy today. Why? Cos it’s my month baby. First of all, I want to shout out to all the October borns out there. Were clearly the best. For those who have been here for a while now, you must have noticed that this place is looking different. Yep, I changed the theme. Mainly in honour of October.

Today’s post is different. It’s not sad like SUSAN, silly like PEPPER, philosophical like the sarcasm piece, painful as my worst week ever, stupid like the story of those silly rats, hurtful as the survivor series or cool like the family story. It’s actually going to be in the same vein as the story about silence and it’s upside. The only difference is that…….. Well, soon enough, you’ll find out. The only hint I’ll give is that it’s in your favourite genre. Yep Yep, embarrassment. That’s all you people care about. Y’all just seem to find my embarrassment funny. Lemme just delve into today’s topic and ignore the pain. Oh yeah, I’m gonna do good to the lazy folk among you and make this post brief, precise and simply put, short.

So last month, or better still, yesterday, I went for a worship service in my school chapel. It started around 7pm. Classic me, I planned to get there at 7 exactly but I ended up getting there 7:20pm. The place was packed and it was difficult to get a seat. After about 2 minutes of me, walking around, looking aimless (Embarrassment No 1.), I finally got one. It was perfect but there was something eerie about where I sat. The row the seat was on was empty. Too empty actually. I mean, on a row of 20 seats tops, there were only three people there, that’s me, a really tall, built boy and a short, chubby female. (Wondering why I said ‘female’ instead of girl? Truth is, the female species is a complicated one with many sub-species in it. I can’t classify the female until I meet her. I’ll treat this sometime soon).

Since I arrived sort of late for the program, I missed the opening prayer and so I simply joined in the worship session. The worship started and I worshipped God will all my heart. Cos of how empty the row was, I had a lot of space to move around. I didn’t dull and took advantage of the space. I swayed from side to side as I worshipped with my eyes closed. I opened my eyes once, looked around and wondered why no one had come to join the row I was in.

Few minutes into the worship, we were prompted to thank God with our own song. I began to sing my favorite worship song. I’m not telling you the name. As I sang it, I was filled with joy. My swaying gradually intensified. There was no one next to me so I could sway as hard or as far as I wanted to. Forward 24 sways or thereabout later.

BUMP. I collided hard with someone next to me.  I felt the urge to open my eyes and look to my side. I didn’t want to but I eventually succumbed to the urge. I took a quick glance to my side to see that the row was filled. I didn’t bother to take note of any faces or gender; I just saw a full row. So there I was, seriously furious because I had just begun to enjoy the scantiness of the row. I killed the fury and continued my singing. And then it happened.

There was a short girl next to me. Through-out the time she had been there, she had been sitting, praying, I think. She got up and began to sing. I was still singing, feeling like Bruno Mars, killing the song I was singing with my over-sexy voice. And then the girl opened her mouth to sing. Oh my God!!!!! Her voice was amazing. I wasn’t so shocked cos I’d always believed short girls had wonderful voices.

After we were done worshipping God with our own songs, the whole congregation began to sing the same song. The song involved really high-pitched notes. I felt I could sing the song perfectly and so I joined in and sang to God. I felt I was killing the song until I heard the girl’s voice again. To be honest, as far as I’m concerned, that girl’s voice is better than Beyoncé’s. As she sang, I slowly began to feel intimidated. I believed my voice was the sexiest on earth but her voice slowly made me doubt the greatness of my voice.

Minutes passed and we continued to worship. I made sure I sang every song with total care. I wanted to let the girl know that she wasn’t the only one with a good voice in the building. I guess she noticed cos she began to make her voice sound even more amazing. I noticed this and it sort of turned into a mini-battle. Y’all need to have seen my ad-libbing on every single note.

There was a particular song that had extremely high notes I know I can’t reach. I prayed that the person leading the worship won’t bring the song up. Funny and depressing enough, that was the exact song we sang next. On a normal day, when everyone’s singing the song, I’d just hum and bask in God’s glory. This time had to be different. The girl next to me was singing the song effortlessly and I wasn’t in the mood to lose our battle. And so I took in a deep breath and began to sing the song. I thought I was singing it perfect until I closed my ears with my hands and discovered I was sounding like a dying toad. Embarrassment No 2.

Lemme just skip the not so important details and go straight to the point. After all, I promised this was going to be brief.

At the end of the worship, people who had testimonies or encounters went out to the front of the congregation to share their encounters. As they shared, I promised myself I wasn’t going to leave without complimenting the owner of the amazing voice that kept me company throughout the program. The program finally ended and the thought of what I was about to do got me elated.

Just as we finished sharing the grace, I turned to my right, with the widest smile, saying, “You have an amazing voice”. And then the worst thing happened. The owner of the voice wasn’t facing me as I said so, but she heard what I said.  She turned around slowly. I was expecting an extremely beautiful face to compliment the amazing voice and then………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….DRUMROLL PLEASE……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. Well what do you know? Our mysterious she turned out to be a HE. A HE YO!!!!!!! (EMBARRASSMENT NO. 3) At this point, a couple of tears rolled down my cheeks. I don’t know what I did to anger the gods of embarrassment and disappointment in September. First, the 218 misunderstanding and now this.

Moral lessons

  •       Never compliment without being sure of the gender involved.
  •       September is a sly month
  •       Silence remains golden

And with that, we’ve come to the end of this post. Happy Independence Day Nigeria! Happy New Month to you readers!!! I hope you have a great one. And finally, a special Happy Our Month to all October-borns, again!!!!!!!!!!

Later people. And don’t forget to follow @SeyiSoneye .