There’s Really Nothing in this Life for the Beardless 

 

Before I begin –

1) Yes, it’s 2017. Yes, you would think beard talk isn’t a thing anymore. Yes, I don’t care. Yes, I’m triggered.

2) Agreed, it’s wrong to call the name of the Lord in vain but,

GOD.

Some weeks back, I was bored at home and decided to go see Kong, which by the way is awesome. Got to the cinema and Kong was showing 3 hours later. To while away time, I got a ticket to see Beauty and the Beast since it was starting in 10 minutes and was going to end 20 minutes before Kong.

This is not a review of the movie. Neither is it a critique of the movie (those two words mean the same thing, or their close in meaning, no? Okay). One thing I would say is, Beauty and the Beast is a laptop movie (which makes me wonder how on Earth it has grossed over $1bn. I’m not even joking °°

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Disney really isn’t your favs mate b °°)

I don’t regret seeing it though, much. But I would have been happier if I didn’t see it at all. Not because it was boring or cheesy or useless, but because of a simple string of words Belle uttered. 

The movie started and everything was going fine. I wasn’t annoyed with the singing; half expected it. Lowkey remembered most of the songs, but you don’t need to know that since I constantly say I’m a hard guy. It’s a live action remake, and so there wasn’t going to be much difference from the cartoon we watched growing up.

Finally got to the end of the movie and everyone was happy. It wasn’t a bad movie…….. Until the final scene.

If you don’t know, Beauty and the Beast is in one sentence about a girl that falls in love with a beast, an actual beast, because he has money. Not even joking. Girls have been finessing men since the 90’s people, stay woke –story for another day–.

No really, that’s what the movie is about. At the end, Beast turns back into a handsome prince or something. He’s clean shaven and looks very alright and proper.

Here, the ideal thing, sensible thing even, would be for Belle (the finesser) to be happy-ier that Beast is now a proper man; because who in their right senses would prefer a Beast? Unfortunately, the answer to that is Belle and here’s why. I can’t remember the exact words but this is what happened.

So Belle and Beast (now a man) are dancing, smiling, everyone in the room is dancing. My man Lumiere was definitely the happiest in the room cos now he can give his babe what she’s been craving for daysss 🌚 Everyone is happy. And then Belle says to Beast and I guess-quote
‘What do you think about a beard??’

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Most people probably didn’t hear her say it, or ignored it, but I didn’t. Do you understand the depth of that statement? Like if you deep it, you would be….hash-tag shoooook doesn’t even properly describe the feeling. You mean, my man just turned back into a man, lost all the hair, his horns and ugliness; he’s now looking good and clean shaven and the first thing you think of is a beard?

I wasn’t triggered because I don’t have a proper beard. I have decent facial hair and if it isn’t enough for you, that’s your personal problem. It just hurts to know that these women won’t fully accept you if you don’t have a beard. Explains a lot tbh.

Women really are scum. Scummier than men and that says something because menaskom.

But Damn.

There’s really nothing in this life for the beardless.

You Too You’re Calling Men Scum?

Spent the last twenty minutes or so trying to remember my password. Shows how long I’ve been away. It would have been very convenient to lean back and enjoy the laziness and misbehavior that keeps me away from putting stuff out for your reading pleasure, but I was provoked out of semi-retirement.

Personally, Twitter is bants. It’s just jokes and play. This doesn’t apply to everyone as recent events have proven and I was not really understanding. Until…

So I’m scrolling, RT-ing and Lmaooo-ing at whatever was lmaooo-able. Recurring theme, ‘Men are Scum’. People are proper creative. I laugh at the jokes. Ordinary scum and some were catching feelings. So I’m laughing, enjoying the ‘men are scum’ tweets; then I come across this one tweet.

I was provoked. It was a simple tweet –

‘Men are scum’

@User673 wasn’t the first person to tweet that line, but she was the first person to tweet it and annoy me. Why? Because @User673 is mad.

A part of me feels I’ve told this story before but I don’t really care.

Back in  Secondary school, I used to engage in the act of womanizing, albeit low level. I am not proud of it but I was in the world. Womanizing was a way of life. I couldn’t go a day without womanizing. Womanizing was my drug. I used to womanize in the morning, womanize in the afternoon, and womanize in the night. Even used to womanize in the dream. Sometimes, teacher would ask a question and to womanize would be what comes to my mind first.

This vice had me making some terrible decisions. I regret none of them, except one.

It was a good night. Night prep time. I was supposed to be studying but I was womanizing. It was high grade womanizing that night. In the process, a lot of noise was being made. This attracted the attention of the teacher on duty, Mr. Ozigagu. I do not remember much but I will never forget Mr. Ozigagu’s flogging expertise.

The girls I was womanizing with were the source of the noise. Mr. Ozigagu came into the classroom and demanded to know who was responsible for the noise-making. Beloved, if there’s one thing you should avoid in life, it is vagabondic friends. Goes without saying I had such.

In a bid to maybe, parrap impress the girls, one of my friends who was womanizing with me stood up and claimed to be the noisemaker. Another guy stood up and said the same. I  noticed what I imagined to be adoration in the eyes of the womam and so I stood up too.

Mr. Ozigagu commanded us to come forward. We did and one by one, he started to bless us with 6 strokes of the horse whip each. First guy stepped forward and took all without flinching. The girls giggled. Second guy collected and flinched at the 5th stroke but went through with his session. It was my turn.

I stepped forward, ready to receive.

First stroke, I swallowed spit. My ass was clenched tightly and I told myself I was a hard guy. Second stroke, I screamed and scratched. Third stroke, I started to cry and begged. In the end, I took all the strokes and embarrassed myself.

How does this relate with anything? Well, it so happens that @User673 was one of the girls I was womanizing that night. I received 6 strokes of the horse whip on her behalf and she has the effrontery to utter the statement that ‘men are scum’? You mean I was scumming while receiving quality strokes(PHRASING)?

Dear Miss @User673,

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PS- I have never womanized

DEAR YOU

#ManssThoughts

Dear You,
I should ask how your day is going but I won’t because I don’t want to care. Instead of beating about the bush before delving into what is really on my mind, I choose to go straight to the point.
I’ve been thinking about you. Well, not so much exactly considering the amount of distractions I’m surrounded by. Those few minutes at night, on my bed, just before sleep takes over, I think about you. When I wake up in the morning, I want to think about you but then I have to thank God for giving me life first. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to think about you would I?
I remember the first time I saw you. I remember the second time. I remember the third time too. You weren’t exactly what I’ve always thought I wanted. I really can’t say for sure what I want now but the first time I saw you, all my wishes and hopes, wants and standards flew out the window. I think the fact that you didn’t walk out of one of my dreams is what makes you special.
You probably won’t remember the first time we met. It was in CST, Hall 202. Same floor as the laboratory your programme is based in. CSC 121, Azu’s class. I sat at the back that day. Not because I wanted to but because most of the seats I wanted were taken. The class was going on, and then it was time to write. My pen stopped working and so I tapped you and asked if you had a spare one. That’s when it happened……. You turned around, Oh God…….. I only saw half of your face but I was immediately taken by your…..presence? aura? I can’t say for sure. I know I felt something. I really want to describe you right now but then I want your identity to remain hidden. This mystery belongs to only you and I. You placed the pen in my outstretched palm and continued writing whatever it was Azu wanted us to write. While I wrote, I kept thinking of who you were. This was my second semester in CU. We were, are in the same school or department or whatever it’s called and this was the first time I was seeing you. How could that be? The questions flooded my mind. I was brought out of my sort of daydream when Azu slowly walked to where I was sitting and seemed to drop a question for those of us in that section of the class to answer. God bless the person that answered because I would have made a big fool of myself if I was chosen to answer.
The class was over. I thought of talking to you but I couldn’t sum up any courage. I hated myself there and then. We had another CSC 121 class the next day so I felt reassured that our paths will cross once more.
The next day, I got to that class early. Not because I wanted to but because I wanted to see you. With a little calculation, some permutation and combination, I found myself sitting next to you. Bliss. Total Bliss. That was the first time I felt true happiness in CU. This time was almost different. I opened my mouth to say Hi but the words couldn’t come out. I tried hard and hard but I couldn’t make a sound.
We kept on meeting in CSC 121 class. I never said a proper word to you throughout that semester though.
I did my research and got your name. 8 letters. 8 letters I fell in love with. I looked you up on Facebook because I was desperate. I didn’t even remember my password cos it had been ages since I had checked there. I sent you a friend request. Every day CU Wi-Fi worked well, I checked to see if you had accepted. Two weeks later, when I was about to give up, you did. I was sooo elated. Thank you for ruining the happiness by not ever being online for a chat though.
During the holidays, I caught you online twice and said Hi. That was the only sensible thing I ever said there. Because after your replies, I found it hard to say constructive things. I remember this one time I asked you where you lived and then your answer was the most demoralizing thing ever. It didn’t discourage me though.
200 level, I promised myself things would be different this time. I wasn’t sure if you knew me but some awkward eye contacts later, I was sure you did. This year, well last year, but this session, Alpha semester to be precise, I said Hi to you once. I don’t know how it came out but I thank God it did. We still didn’t talk.
Have you ever looked into your eyes? It’s a very absurd question but I mean it. Dark, brown and they have this tiny sparkle in them. So captivating. So amazing. Almost alluring. I don’t think I can ever look into them and tell a lie. You’re so soo fair. Then there’s this hairdo you had on one time. I don’t know how to describe hair but I’ll try my best. Your hair was long. Significantly past your shoulders. You had it tied in a ponytail. The front was the really interesting part. You left one eye exposed; your left eye to be precise. Then a little hair covered your right eye, although I could still see through it.
Like the day I met you, you rarely overdo it. Light makeup. Never excessive. I like the way you wear nude lipstick. It makes me appreciate how unusually pink your lips are. You don’t try to be like everyone else. You wear clothes that work for you. Once in a while, you blow my mind by absolutely killing it on some of those Sundays.
Enough of the story. I simply want to thank you for making me know that you’re aware of my existence. I can’t remember the days for sure. The first time was normal. It was in the afternoon. Possibly 12:30 or so. I was outside the buttery, standing and listening to one of my friends laugh at me because I lost my iPad. I was really listening to him because I had both my eyes fixed on you. You weren’t looking my way I could stare as hard as I wanted. I flaunted a smug face while I stared. You weren’t mine but who cares?
Then that’s when it happened. I had taken my eyes off you for a minute and the next time I looked up, you were approaching the door of the buttery. I tried not to look at you but I couldn’t help myself. Three steps after, you were standing face to face with me. You didn’t stop but you did in my head. That’s when you opened those beautiful lips and said, ‘Hello Seyi’.
I actually thought I was dreaming. I was about replying but by the time I was ready, you were long gone. You made my day.
The second time was awkward. I was in the male toilet and you were in the female toilet. I was done doing whatever and I’m guessing you were too. And so, I stepped out and turned right, while you stepped out and turned left. This meant we were going to go past one another. I looked you in the eyes cos I’d developed this confidence over the months. You looked back at me. And just as we walked past each other, you said it again, ‘Hi Seyi’.
You made my semester. Thank you very much. I like the way you say my name because it makes me sure that you know I exist.
I’m not perfect. I’m not even close to perfect even though I joke about it at times. I’m not trying to be coy. I speak the truth. I might be in your friend zone, which in actual sense is impossible because of the obvious reasons. You might not think of me. You probably haven’t thought of me once. I don’t care. I’m satisfied with the two times you said my name. Boyfriend or not, that’s your business. Sorry to ruin the smiles but I hope you guys don’t work out 🙂 I don’t know what I feel for you but it feels good. I’ll wait for you.
I hope you’re reading this. I’m sincerely hoping you are. Just so you know, you’ve impacted someone’s life; and greatly so. One day, very soon, I believe we’ll sit down and have an awesome conversation. I hate ‘moistness’ and I suck at the romantic things of life. They’re funny to me. But I’ll gladly be ‘moist’ for you, anyday, anytime. I hope one day you’ll find me attractive. Till then, I will continue lying on my bed and thinking of what could be. I can’t wait to see that smile again.

Yours dreamingly,
Someone 🙂
Well, Uncle Shovel

My Life; Your Entertainment

WARNING: The following content possesses no regard for the English Language as all laws or rules of English were not obeyed. It was not revised or proof-read. It equally has no atom of Chill, is RAW to the core and long. This is not for the easily disgusted, weak at heart, lazy or the ‘judging’. If you know you can’t handle any of the listed above, kindly close this page and smash whatever technological device you are viewing this on. Oluwaseyi Opeyemi Soneye, 93rd King of Abeokuta, 2nd cousin of Iya Rainbow is in no way responsible and doesn’t give half a goat about what your views, opinions, reaction or whatever is to the this content. However, he won’t mind if you direct your opinions to that comment side. Opinions being what you feel, typological errors, complaints and blah. Dazzal.

Today, well yesterday now, but today sha. You get? Ehen, as you and the whole world obviously knows, I never wake up before 10am lowest sha, except there’s a fire or something. So this morning, things were not supposed to go according to plan. I woke up quite early. 4am at first. Not that I wanted to but you know na, hot, peppery poopoo demands to be felt and released. I went to put plenty pepper in my Indomie the previous day. So sha, after really suffering in the toilet, I thought it was allova and so I went back to my bed and slept. As I said, poopoo demands to be felt and so I was up again, this time 4:30am. Awkward yeah? Devil has a wristwatch uno. So I went about the business. Nothing really came out sha. Ma checked on me and saw that I was awake which was wrong. I never see her in the morning, only if I game all night. So she tells me to follow her to her room where she asked if I was depressed or sad. She said she was really worried, that I’ve not been going out much. And that I’ve not been calling too. I thought she was being funny but you know that face Yoruba women put on when they’re not cracking jokes… So sha, I told her not to worry, that I call and I go out. Pops woke up and began to buttress Ma’s point. I actually started giggling but these people didn’t shine gums. So Ma said I must go out today. I told her I wanted to the previous night so it wasn’t surprising. I give her a confused look and she’s like ‘Yes, Seyi were really worried. Are you depressed? You can tell me. What are you doing in the house? An idle mind is the devil’s workshop o. You’ve not been playing games for the past 3 or 4 days and you don’t even do that your blog thing’. I wanted to answer, “World Cup” but naah, so I tell her not to worry and take my leave.

It was like a dream to me cos I don’t see‘4:30am’ much.

So sha, I slept but once again, hot poopoo wakes me up. This one was hotter than fire. Hotter than Mocheddah yo. I acc poured water on my ass as I released. My ass is not big like your own so it was quite easy for water to reach my anus. Naah, released is just wrong but I’m not ready to stress my brain. So after that one, I begin to do nothing in particular. The poopoo calmed down, actually went. The day was going fine. Until I went to one ATM to withdraw before I headed out only to see . In my mind, I’m like, “Nice joke”. I tried again and money came out.

Sha sha, I checked to see the movies that were showing and TFIOS was showing in Ozone; although I’d checked the previous day. So last last Ozone was my choice. It’s dead but hey. Pops didn’t leave for work early so I suggested I drive us to ozone and drop off. So when I was ready to leave, I got in the driver’s seat while Pops rode shotgun. As I’ve said before, my driving skills are at 22% and my street confidence is at 2% so after I almost bashed the car from too much fidgeting, Pops laughed and told me to forget. So he drove and dropped me at a bus stop (the guy sha).

I got to Ozone and immediately went in cos TFIOS was starting soon. So I went in the big TV place and sat down. This is where the day started fam

I was busy bbm-ing and temple running o, when one light skin, (Oh My God! I don’t know what to call her mehn) sat next to me. I looked up from the phone and saw her face. Nothing came to my mind. Only that I had to compose around this babe. Trust me to immediately throw a stick of Orbit in my mouth. Mans always armed with Orbit. Brethren, she was BURRIVVVUUULLL. Like Kim K meets a female version of Seyi Soneye meets Agbani Darego meets Caro meets two angels meets naah, not Rihanna, meets Lupita meets everything meet-able. I actually used scopes to be gauging her. Da Lord is a Great Lord people. She was wearing a white cropped top or whatever it’s called. It was half of a regular top sha (That’s cropped innit?). She was busty. I could see part of the bwezz cos the cropped tee was a V-neck. Have you seen cleavage that makes you happy before? I have. Fine bwezz no pimple. I wasn’t scoping that area of the female but it sorta reached out to me by itself. Bwezz can sometimes mess with the thinking of a brotha yo. Ass is not key. Niggas have ass. But bwezz mehn. What you can do to bwezz! Plus she wasn’t skinny skinny. And those close to me know I’m all about not skinny skinny females. I’m also a mlut so I don’t mind skinny skinny girls but not skinny skinny girls do well with this Brotha anytime. Actually I think I’m cool with any kind of female.

So I’m gauging the babe and dying like a mumu in Temple run. I’m disorganized and so I’m checking BBM, temple running, googling shit and searching for something on lifeofshovel. From the way she spoke, I’m guessing deffs not Igbo so Yoruba probably. In all of this, funny enough, I’m actually not interested in the girl. Of course I wanted to talk to her cos she came with who I’m guessing is her junior brother who was deffs not a problem to get rid of. But I’m also gauging bants cos this could be a trap. In my short life, I’ve had traps come my way and I’ve chopped some, so naah, man had to be wiser. So I’m done gauging the babe and then I’m busy scrolling through lifeofshovel, looking for a particular post and minding my business when allofasudden, she taps me and says, ‘You read that too’. I was too shocked that she tapped me so I’m not even trying to understand how dafuq she knows lifeofshovel. I’m calculating algebra and Further Maths in my mind cos I don’t want to mess this up and so I say, extremely casually, ‘Yeah, I’m guessing you do too’. Then she’s like ‘Oh My God, I do. It’s funny, some sha’. I didn’t want to let her know she was talking to Uncle Shovel himself, cos you know, manss not about easy things life. So I say, ‘Which post is your favourite?’ ‘Umm, I think, Susan or the one about a baby sister. That one about his sister and cousin is funny’.’. While she’s mentioning, I’m calculating PhD Maths to know which post was which. Then she asks which one was my favourite and then I told her the one about the rats. She was like ‘Eww’ and so in my mind, I’m stabbing myself. Sha sha, the movie starts and I’m getting a not-so-good vibe from the movie cos I could tell what was gonna happen next; and the words too. So I mistakenly say what Gus was gonna say one time and ‘Hotcake’ looks to at me and asks if I’ve watched the movie before and I tell her naah, I’ve watched the book. She giggles and I’m wondering why. Then I gauged what I said and didn’t bother correcting myself. She said she’s read the book too so were discussing about it while the movie’s going on and were pointing out all the flaws. Like how Hazel pops didn’t cry in the movie. So sha, I want this girl to know I actually read the book, which is a gay act in some minds, but naah mehn, I’m feeling like Red Ranger cos she was impressed. I’m talking about the book and being philosophical, speaking like an English student, spitting fire yo. I’m talking Wole Soyinka meets that Patrick guy fire. Spitting words I know don’t exist. But she’s clearly gullible cos she’s nodding her head and agreeing with me. So we go on and on and break once in a while cos uno, the 500 me I paid cannot waste. Movie ends and this lady actually pulled a rapture move on me by standing up and walking out. She didn’t say a word.

So I’m sitting there, trying to understand what had just happened. Eyes welled up but uno can’t act like a female cos of some fine ass female. So I get up and get out. The day’s still young so I decide to watch another movie. Man chose Blended cos Adam Sandler is a very close friend. So I get a hotdog and Fanta cos Fanta is life and go into the big TV place again. I sight ‘Hotcake’ and I say ‘Shit’ to myself. I don’t want it to look like I’m following her so I chose to seat in front of her. I made it look like a coincidence tho. So the movie begins and next thing I know, ‘Hotcake’ appears next to me.

I’m calculating what had just happened when she asks me for my name. I knew it was time to change it for her so I tell her ‘Seyi Soneye’ louding that Soneye part so she’ll know it was the Shovel himself. I’m about that lowkks life so I tell her not to make a big deal out of it cos she’s already saying ‘Oh My God!’ in a seemingly loud tone. We’re watching the movie and laughing like hell cos it’s a funny ass movie. After some time, this girl actually put her hand on my lap. It was there for a second but it felt like 32 years cos manss mind was roaming like MTN. I’m busy imagining all sorts and cursing any Jezebelic spirit when she simply grabbed the phone which was on my lap and began to play temple run. I hit myself for putting it there. So we begin to talk and she’s asking me why I tell stories and if they’re true. I’m answering her, uno, treating her like a fan cos I have other women in my life. She’s almost interviewing me and in my mind, I’m like, ‘Bruh, you’re almost zoning a 10 yo. Like fan-zoning a 10’. I’m doing the nae nae, skelewu-ing and dancing alingo at the same time while I thought about it. The rapport I was building here was epic mehn cos I’m giving her some Lava hot fire questions to answer. Them questions that reach deep into her soul. Were really connecting. So I’m thinking about it. Do I get her contacts or do make her queen of my fan-zone? The former seemed appealing cos she’s the kind of female I know I might never come across again but then the latter seemed like a Superman move (Silly ehh?)

Perfect 10 Sir. Perfect. Her only flaw was that she kept pronouncing ‘Gus’ as in ‘Gauss’ as ‘Goos’.

Movie was at the end and I’m still reasoning it as we spoke when allofasudden she seemed to type something on her phone after which she gave me my phone. I’m smiling cos I’m guessing she typed her contacts into my phone too. I checked my phone only to see that this light-skin demoness had killed my battery. I’m bout to ask her why and then she placed her left hand on my shoulder and began to lean in. I’m thinking, ‘keez keez’ so I’m gauging her lips and mouth for any ‘gbogbozee’ or ‘yamayama’. It was like another film trick when she placed a casual peck on my cheek. I’m thinking, ‘Davug?’ when this female stood up and left like nothing happened.

After 2 minutes of understanding everything that had just happened, it dawns on me that I never got her name although I knew her brother’s name was David cos she mentioned it once. So I get up and fast walk out of that place. Man was searching for this girl like they searching for them Chibok girls. I didn’t find her so I’m feeling stupid as hell. I hiss really loud and got out of da building.

So it’s time to go home and I get on a bus cos that’s life for you. I’m a little teary-eyed so I put my head down. I can’t wait to get home cos I wanna watch football and forget that light-skin but trust Lagos traffic to change it for me. So obviously, nothing worse can happen and whatdoyouknow? One smelly ass dude sat next to me. This guy smelt like ammonia mixed with rotten rat. I hold my breath for as long as I can cos I’m not with my inhaler and I’m not ready to die. Traffic speeds up so I could breathe now. I get home to meet no light so I sit and begin to reminisce.

And then I got a phone call.

<Private Number> I pick up and say ‘Hello’ in the tushest voice possible cos uno, it could be the white man calling to tell me I had a billion dollars somewhere.

Then the caller’s like

‘Hello, Seyi. It’s me, I sat next to you today’

I’ve summersaulted 300 times and I’m about to ask how she got my number and what her name was…..

Then the line went dead…..

Females

Oh?! So It’s About The Arms Now

Brethren, people of the world lack respect o. I’m not even sure if I’m supposed to be pissed or confused right now.

See me o. Yesterday afternoon; I went to cafeteria 1 to get something to eat. It was about 2pm so café was almost empty if not for a bunch of couples, a wannabe couple and people that just felt like being in café. As always, when I’m out alone, I had a straight face on and made my way to the counter to get a meal ticket. Then out of nowhere, I heard someone shout my name. I looked around and guess who was calling my name; one silly ‘friend’ of mine. Well, I’m his friend but I’m not entirely sure he’s mine. You know those kinds of people.

Anyway, this particular guy had the habit of ALWAYS asking for money, or food. He has to ask for something every single time he sees me. It’s unbearable to possess food when he’s around. Chairman makes sure I don’t enjoy my food. If I buy 1000 grains of rice, this guy makes sure he consumes at least 600 grains. Seriously, disgusting and annoying habit. It’s hard to complain since he has this issue of getting emotional too fast. I have a feeling he’s gay. I’m cool with it as long as he doesn’t attempt ‘pumping’ me.

Anyway, I walked up to him regardless and gave him a handshake. He was with this really standard babe. He was saying something about something when I cut him off and asked who his lady friend was. He said she was a friend after which he introduced us to one another. I was enjoying a conversation involving all three of us and wondering why this guy would just call me just to talk when the idiot changed it for me and asked me for money. Said he wanted to get a drink. I was feeling buoyant and so I pulled out a 500 naira note out of my pocket and handed it to him. I won’t lie; it hurt a little because that 500 naira note was one of three that miraculously came my way. Miraculously because my wretched, careless, and tiring ATM card isn’t working at any of the machines here in school.

Well, as expected, this girl requested for a drink too. Naturally, I’d turn that kind of thing into a joke and tell her to use her money or something out of the ordinary; so the girl would think I’m a different kind of guy who doesn’t exactly give a goat. But this time, I wasn’t in the mood to be Mr. Funny Guy and so I sent my ‘friend’ to go get drinks for us. He left and I was alone with the girl. Trust my ‘man’ brain to turn up na. I began to build light rapport with her. My ‘friend’ got back with the drinks not too long after. I was pained me since his arrival was probably going to bring my conversation with this girl to an early end.

Fortunately, he said he had to see someone else and so he bade us goodbye. Man I was happy. My, or our conversation went on; that’s me and the girl. Not that I had any intent of getting serious with the girl, although I won’t mind, but she seemed to be feeling me. I wasn’t exactly trying so I felt like a bad-ass.

Our conversation was about hitting the 30-minute mark (Yes, I was checking) and the rapport was getting quite deep when one ugly, buff, Yoruba twat walked up to us. He smiled at her, pulled her into his arms and hugged her. He had a tank top on. The proud, obnoxious moron clearly wanted the whole world to notice his large arms. I hissed under my breath because his arms weren’t all that compared to mine. (Okay I’m lying. If one of my arms is an ant, then his is an elephant). This guy was huge. He was tall and I could tell he was athletic; like all sports in the world athletic. I was waiting for him to be done with his ‘greeting’ and get the cow out of my sight so I’d continue my conversation.

He didn’t.

He didn’t say much. He’d just say about 6 words and the girl would reply with 6000. From the way she sounded, I could tell she was ‘thirsting’. I wasn’t ready to be a fool and so I got up and left when it became obvious my entire existence had faded. As I trudged back to my room, I began to think. This chairman wasn’t attractive fam; his face sha. He was, actually he is ug-leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. So because he’s big and stuff, he’s allowed to oppress skinny, young men like myself. I made a promise to myself at that moment to eat lots and lots of protein, gym and get buff. That way, I’ll come back to school next session to oppress, suppress and depress all the skinny, young men in the world. Oh yeah, I’d have to work on the facial hair too.

Today’s a new day. Hopefully, something great happens. One day, I shall possess intimidating large arms too.

Have a good day Earthlings. Till next time.

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