The Silly Things are Back

Who remembers not too long ago when I told you guys about those filthy, silly things? If you don’t, check here. Anyway, it seemed as though they left after my brief encounters with them but turns out there back. There’s nothing special or unexpected about them coming back but it’s the way they made their comeback that ticks me.

Oh yeah, I just remembered I promised this post was going to be a QnA thing but I haven’t gotten a large amount of questions so I’ll wait till I get more. I mean, the more questions I answer, the easier it’ll be for y’all to judge.

As I was saying, the rats are back. So few days back on a lazy evening, I was on my bed, chilling like my grandfather cos I had nothing useful to do. I was simply staring at the ceiling and trying to calculate how much dodo I had consumed since I was born,  when suddenly I began to hear sounds from my locker. This got me really scared because I was the only one in the room. Now I had just finished watching a horror movie and so I called out, ‘Who’s there?’ To be honest, I was expecting to get an answer. Three, four calls later with no answer, I decided to man up and check what was making the sound.

Dramatically, I walked up to my locker. I took my belt off and held it in my right hand. Slowly, I opened the door of the locker. As I saw the source of the noise, I burst into laughter. If I saw a rat, simply moving up on down, I won’t have been surprised. But I saw two of the filthy creatures, chilling on a super low-key. I guess they were a couple cos they were cuddling. The stupid things had even nibbled the chocolate cookies I hoped to share with my roommates when they got back from wherever they went. This pissed me off but I watched for a few minutes and had a good laugh after which I raised my belt up to give the stupid things a good beating.  Now this is where everything gets scary.

As I delivered the first lash of the belt, the smaller of the two rats, jumped in front of the way larger rat. I paused in disbelief. It seemed like the rat that jumped, the smaller one, in the way of the belt was male and the larger on was female. I think my guy was trying to ‘take the bullet for his girl’. I didn’t know animals did this too, in real life. I wanted to clear my doubt and so I aimed the female rat that was way bigger and delivered another heavy lash. Again, homeboy jumped in the way of the belt and took the whip. I was touched by this act of love and felt I should have mercy on the dirty things. I tried to clear my locker so I’d have a better chance of beating the living daylight out of the rats but all attempts proved futile because the retarded animals kept moving about and abeg, i didn’t want to have rat stuff on my hands.

Few seconds later, the rats stopped and began to cuddle in the corner of my locker. I honestly couldn’t believe what I was seeing. These things had balls. I believed that they were going to run away after the first two lashes but they didn’t. This made me believe they were probably having a date in my locker. I giggled at the thought of this and concluded that it would be nice of me, but nasty though, to leave them. I simply took all consumables out of my locker and left the doors wide open so I’d watch what the two rats would do on their ‘date’. I got on my bed and began to watch them. The female rat went over the male rat and began to lick his wounds. This brought me to tears. I cried and cried because I felt like a wicked person. I cried up until I slept off.

I woke up in the middle of the night and checked my locker for the rats but they weren’t there. I thought of the act of love I had seen in the rats and began to feel sad. My sadness turned to anger when i realized that the useless things had eaten the rest of the chocolate cookies in my locker. Turns out I forgot to take it out. I promised myself that I must end the life of any rat that crosses my path.

When I was done promising myself, i got on my bed and began to replay the whole thing in my head. The thought made me smile. I eventually yawned and slept off.

Animals are evolving brethren. We have to prepare ourselves because they’re getting stronger. I strongly believe they have a ‘resistance’ group that’s plotting how to wage war on us humans. We should begin to devise new plans and draw up tactics to counter whatever the animals want to do. That’s all though. Have a nice day and follow @SeyiSoneye.


Those Silly Rats

Hey Beautiful People!! Missed me?? Sure you did. It’s been a while since I posted last. My bad. As I said earlier, I’m in school and the number of posts would reduce a bit. I’m so sorry if I kept you waiting for so long.

Anyway, since I’m in school, lemme just give you a lowdown on a scary encounter I had here. Something unimportant you should know before I go on is that I’ve been trying to learn one Chinese song and it’s looking hopeless.

So, I got to school on the day they told us to resume (Such a good boy). I had mixed feelings about resuming, wasn’t happy and I wasn’t sad. I would have loved to resume late but bringing up the topic with my parents might result in the end of me.

Prior to getting to school, I found out my room was on the 3rd floor, serious stress. On getting there, I struggled to get all my stuff all the way up on my own.  No help. Human beings are mean. After almost 45minutes of struggling, all my things were up. Exhausted and weak, I lay on a random bed to rest. I began to think of how this new semester was going to go, Lectures, my crazy course mates, my roommates for the year, females (I’m going to talk about this soon), FIFA challenges, and boring lecturers and so on. When it seemed like I had thought of every possible thing I’d have to deal with, I got up and began to unpack.

Night came; few people came to school that day so everywhere was empty (Not empty per se, but not as bubbling as a normal school night). I just whiled away the night playing FiFa until I eventually slept off as there wasn’t anyone good enough to beat me.

The next morning, the shitty porters announced that our rooms had been changed.  I went to check for my new room and I found out they had moved me to the ground floor. I almost cried when I saw the list. The thought alone of having to move my things all the way down was too painful. There was really no choice so I forced myself to move all my things down.

My new room was okay. They had reshuffled everyone so my roommates changed. The ones I had now were cool guys. The day went on well. I actually prefer my new room because I don’t have to climb any stairs to get there (Yurr, I’m lazy). The room, in fact, the whole floor seemed nice until later that night.

Throughout the day, I was in a friend’s room playing games. We played and played and played. I began to feel sleepy and so I pulled the blinds and looked outside. It was dark. It looked funny because it didn’t feel like we had been playing for that long.  I checked the time and saw that it was 2:27am. We had a service the next morning so my friend and I decided to pack up and go to bed. His room was on my floor so going back to my room was straight-forward, or so I thought.

I stepped out of baba’s room, a little dizzy as I hadn’t stood up or moved around in what happened to be hours. I slowly dragged my feet to my room. As I was about 9 steps to the door of my room, I saw the scariest shit ever.

A dark animal was close to the door of my room, just there, lying. It was really big. I thought it was a cat or a rabbit. I’d never seen those around ever so I was scared shitless.  I finally summoned enough courage to go closer and confirm. The animal moved and I saw that it was a filthy RAT. The dirty, filthy thing was soooooo damn large. I did the normal thing every normal person would do and stamped my feet hard on the ground hoping to scare it. The rat just stood straight on all fours and stared at me. I inched closer, thinking that the rat would get scared and move away but the shit also inched closer. My dizziness cleared when this happened. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I took another step closer and the rat did the same. At this point, fear began to set in. I sprinted back to my friend’s room and told him what I had just seen. We both left his room and walked back to the spot where the rat was. I picked a bottle cover and stoned the rat. The shit did ‘odeshi’ for me and began to charge at us. We began to step back slowly.  From experience and living in this blessed country, I didn’t need to be told that rats were seriously fast. Our steps became faster and so did the rats’.  My friend and I stopped after about six steps and began to laugh. The fat shit couldn’t run. It just hopped like a rabbit and was coming towards us. It was slow so we just watched in amazement. I decided to grow some balls and go past the shit. I eventually did. When I got to my room and was on my bed, the scene began to replay in my head. I laughed for a while and slept off.

Animals are evolving yo. Like faster than we would expect. That was the largest rat I’ve ever seen in my whole life.

The next morning, I told some of my floor mates about the rat. We all laughed about it. They didn’t seem surprised though. Apparently, they had also seen the rat earlier that night. We all concluded that the rat deserved a name and so we called it ‘Babarinde’.

School was dead the next day. My friends and I just went about trying to conclude our registration and other official stuff. After that, we walked around school, looking at the new students, the girls’ sha.

When we were done with our pointless, profitless and unproductive walk about, we all returned back to our hall and played a game tournament (which I won). There wasn’t really anything useful to do and so I lay on my bed and decided to watch ‘Olympus has fallen’. Crazy movie, though I feel ‘white house down’ is more interesting. There’s a lot of comedy in it and all. That plus the action, Bliss. Sorry, I’m deviating.

Anyway, an hour into the movie, my stomach began to hurt and I felt a sudden urge to take a dump. I jumped up from my bed, grabbed a roll of tissue paper and dashed to the toilet. I did the public toilet ritual thing. The whole wiping the seat, filing the toilet bowl with tissue, dressing the toilet seat with tissue and so on. After all of that, I sat and let out a quick lump of shit. I let out a sigh of relief, adjusted my position and got to the business.

With every lump, I heard a squeak. I ignored the first three squeaks and continued my business. I began to think of different ways the movie I was watching could end. Whether the president was going to form boss and do some ‘James Bond’ shit or if Gerard Butler was going to die, Different kinds of endings flowed in my head. My thoughts were brought to an abrupt stop when I felt a nibble on my ass. I jumped to my feet, looked into the toilet bowl and saw a bloody rat. The bastard was trapped in the toilet bowl and with every lump of shit I dropped, it got on and gained some height. I searched my ass frantically, looking for the spot of the nibble. I didn’t find it and with anger in my heart, I looked at the rat, aimed my asshole over it, dropped a good number of lumps of shit on its head, wiped my ass and flushed the shit out of the rat. After about three flushes, the dirty animal didn’t flush. I tried a couple more times but the rat would just paddle as water swirled fast with each flush. I gave up and left the toilet.

As I walked back to my room, I began to thank God for my life and for my ass. I thought of different things the rat could have done. I mean, the shit could have climbed up my asshole and blocked it. My ass is okay though.

Moral lesson – 1. Animals, especially rats are evolving fast. 2. Check the toilet bowl before sitting to take a dump.

That’s all for today people. Wish me a safe rat-free stay in school. Bye. Follow @SeyiSoneye