Ali and Simbi

Hey Guys!

I hope everyone is alright!

I agree that I vamoose quite often; recently actually; with my woeful inconsistency in this art. I apologize and promise to try as much as possible not to be found guilty of nonchalance again. If I were to give a reason for my absence, I won’t. It’s really deep and as bold as Shovel is at the top of this page, I do not intend to dig into anything. *ba dum tis*

Anyway, for me to come out of this really deep hole of a reason, you can suspect that I have decent stuff to share. Enjoy!

I actually first heard about this kind of thing a few years back but I felt it was a joke. Not until I heard of a similar occurrence this past week. If you live in Lagos or have heard tales at some point in the past 5 years, you must have heard about ‘touch and follow’. Touch and follow is basically as the name implies. Individual A touches Individual B and Individual B follows Individual A and obeys all of Individual A’s commands. A friend told me that one of our mutual friends was a victim of Touch and Follow.

A story would best describe the whole scenario:

Two friends, Ali and Simbi. Ali and Simbi are very close friends. (Ali and Simbi are boys. Many of the books I read growing up had these names as the main characters. Ignore the femininity of the name Simbi and accept that Simbi is male here. Writer’s choice).  They’ve always been classmates since Jss1. Even now, they both study the same programme in University. Simbi was a chronic borrower. Mans parents were filthy rich but Simbi enjoyed borrowing. He always had money but he simply enjoyed borrowing. What made this hobby awkward was that he always paid his debts with interest.

As expected, Simbi was owing Ali 14000 naira and the due date to return the money was in two weeks time. Unfortunately and fortunately, Ali got this business opportunity and had to deposit 50000 naira before the end of the week. Things happened and Ali didn’t have that amount on him so he pestered Simbi to try his best to pay before the due date.

Simbi couldn’t; and didn’t.

The next week came and Ali had missed out on the business opportunity. He was hurt bad and this made his angry with Simbi. Boys can be funny at times so I wasn’t surprised when Simbi too claimed he was angry with Ali for reasons the gods will slap Simbi for. Anyway, nothing can come between boys so they still chilled together. There was still pain in Ali’s heart though.

After one of said chilling, they both went to Simbi’s house. When Ali left, he realized he forgot his iPad at Simbi’s house and so he called and told Simbi to bring it along when he came the next day.

The next day, Simbi left for Ali’s house around 11am. No ride, so bus. On his way there, Simbi was approached by a stranger who told him he didn’t know his way and wanted directions. As a nice young man, Simbi gladly explained to the stranger how to get to wherever it was he needed directions to. And then the stranger touched him on the shoulder……….


An hour later…

Simbi is at Ali’s house, explaining how he didn’t know why but he found his legs leading him back to his house, gathering his mum’s jewelry along with all the phones and gadgets in the house; Ali’s iPad inclusive and giving all the items to a total stranger. Not sure whether to sympathize with Simbi or to take advantage of the situation and rant about the iPad as well as the money Simbi hadn’t paid, Ali called me. He recounted the story as Simbi had presented it to him and asked me for my opinion.

I cut the call and didn’t pick till the next day.

This Lagos is a funny place. We really have to be careful and it’s important to pray for God’s protection in all we do. JUJU IS REAL!

It’s both sad and funny at the same time. If you were Ali, what would you do?



Cheers | Beans


Nigerians And Their Sick Superstitions

I laugh every time I hear people complain about the way things are here in Nigeria. How can we move forward when our thinking is backward.

About the topic, be not deceived. If I’m to list or talk about every single one of the superstitions in this blessed country, I probably won’t finish until Dan Brown releases another sick novel. But that’s by the way.

You can’t be in this Nigeria; or better still, you can know a Nigerian and not have heard at least two superstitions. For those who haven’t, here are a few examples:

1. If your food touches the ground, the devil has eaten it

2. If you open an umbrella in the house, you might not get married

3. If you see white egrets flying in the sky, a tiny white lucky patch appears on your finger nail

4. If you beat a brother with a broom, his penis will never function again

5. If someone jumps over you while lying on the floor,they should immediately jump over you again cos you’re gonna die if they don’t

6. If you kiss the bottom of your shoe, you will grow a third foot

7. If you see your grandmothers breasts, chances your first son will be an albino are high


No jokes, I’ve heard every one of these superstitions. There’s a lot more where those came from; but I don’t want to cast Nigeria.

The funny thing about superstitions here is that some do happen; like number 3. It’s happened to me many times. But crap like numbers 2, 4 and 7 clearly shout ‘Nigerians are POSSESSED’!
Anyway, none of those superstitions triggered the urge to say something about this topic almost everyone has spoken or written about. It’s one careless one that did.

Who else has experienced this thing where you’re fully awake but you can’t move, shout, you basically can’t do anything? Sounds scary right? It’s real. And it has happened to me a good number of times. Sometimes I can make it happen to me, no jokes.

My first experience was in Jss2. I was in class, at the back, learning Maths. Then all of a sudden, I realized that I couldn’t move. I tried shouting, tried kicking, tried moving my arms but nothing happened. Fear is real too. I thought I was dead. Trust me to try so hard to shout JESUS like a mad person. The words didn’t come out though. After a minute or two, I was free. I didn’t share what just happened; thought it was a dream or something.

Years passed and it never happened to me again. Until one time at home; I remember the night perfectly. It was one of those summers while I was in Senior School. I was in my room, at night, watching ‘Wicked Little Things’. I’ve always believed I’m a ‘baddo’ cos horror movies don’t scare me…..much.  So there I was, on my bed, enjoying my movie. The movie ended. I was feeling sleepy so I decided I’d watch ‘Pans Labyrinth’ the following night. I shut down my laptop and placed it on the floor next to my bed. Then I rolled over and started to think about the then love of my life, Bolanle

*sigh* the devil just enjoys spoiling good things, Oh well

So I’m enjoying this fantasy where me and Bolanle are playing Police and Thief; I’m Police obviously for some …….. reasons

The plan was to enjoy this fantasy and drift into sweet sleep with a good dream. If wishes were horses…

Everything was going fine; I thought I was asleep, then the creepiest thing happened. My eyes were open and I was seeing everything fine. The lights were off so the room was dark. Then this dark figure began to walk towards me. From it’s outline, it looked like a man with a baby on his back.

You think you know what fear is?

I was shouting, kicking, doing anything I could think of but nothing was working. Again, I began to shout Jesus but nothing happened. The man was literally a second away from touching my face and then I woke up.

Yes, I didn’t sleep for a few days. Nightmare on Elm Street thing.

Anyway, it’s happened a couple times after that night but the feeling is more thriller than horror now.

I mistakenly mentioned the thing to a few people. ERROR

I started hearing things like, ‘AHHH! It means 7 demons were holding you down’, ‘Someone you offended is trying to press your destiny’, ‘You borrowed something but the owner died before you could return it. Now the owner wants it back and he/she is trying to pull you into the spirit world’.

SMH. The way we think in this place is unreal.

I needed the white man’s perspective so I turned to the second ever sure source of knowledge; GrandMaster Google.

One of the white men, who obviously sees things from an angle that is not supernashura explained the thing as ‘Sleep Paralysis’.

No need to bore you with its details.

I’m so happy 7 Demons are not sitting on my destiny!


All Guys are the same??!

‘All guys are the same’. To be honest, my heart does a backflip anytime I hear women say this. It’s quite unfair how they generalize after one guy messes up. The fact that one guy did something bad or hurtful to you doesn’t mean ALL guys would do the same thing. And cos of this misconception, I’m going to be giving you my own classification of guys. I’m one of them so the probability that my classification would make any sense is really high.
I can’t say for sure how many classifications of guys are in the world because the classifications vary based on age group. To avoid any confusion, I’m going to stick to my own age group, that’s teenagers, 15-19 to be more precise.
For this category, there are quite a number of classifications but I’ll stick to the major and important ones.
1. The Confident Ones
From the name, it’s obvious the guys here are confident. These are the kind of guys that aren’t scared to approach a woman they’re interested in, regardless of the setting, environment or whatever. If they’re interested in a woman, these guys don’t care who’s around her or with her. Whether its the woman’s friends or family, the guy still goes.
Most of the time, these guys are seriously good-looking and dress really well. They’re the guys who take their outfits personal. And of course, there are some of them that don’t but they’re few. They make sure they look good irrespective of what they’re doing or where they are. They don’t care if there in a class, at a party, in church, playing soccer or any sport, taking a stroll, they make sure they look good. In some cases, they’re not good looking but their fashion sense makes it easy to overlook.
In actual sense, this trait gives them an edge when they approach a woman. I mean, imagine you’re a woman and a good looking guy that’s dressed really well makes a move onto you. Before he says anything, you’ll most likely be interested in him or you’ll be ready to give him your attention and listen to whatever he has to say.
Guys in this category, 90% of the time, possess the skill of talking with the opposite sex. Talking to girls or people in general comes easy to them. They do so with no nervousness or fear. These guys can be bosses in this aspect. When they want a girl, they go lengths to get her and they usually get her most of the time. They don’t waste much time because their reputation does most of the work.
The remaining 10% that don’t have this skill (talking with girls) seriously suck at keeping a conversation going with girls. Because of this, they cover up with their good looks and cool fashion sense. They use those to attract girls and a good number of girls won’t mind being with them because these guys are usually famous. This in turn gets the girls famous by association.
Girls find it hard to friend-zone these guys because they’re hard to. There are some evil women that friend-zone these kind of guys though. These kind of girls are…………. Let’s leave that for another day.
The upside of getting in a relationship with these kind of guys is quite obvious. You can get famous by association through them and they’re fun to talk to and they like to have a good time.
The downside is that, at times, it takes serious dedication to maintain a relationship with them. They can be so high maintenance. As I said earlier, these guys are famous. They, even if they don’t mean to, know a lot of people and definitely, a good number of women would be involved. For the really emotional girls that get jealous easily, these guys could be frustrating. They don’t mean to but they’re forced to be around many other girls and it can be annoying.
Well nothing’s perfect, so you just gotta manage.

2. The Technical Ones
I fancy this category a lot. These guys are semi-confident, confident in some cases. With respect to approaching a woman, these guys usually possess certain techniques they utilize. These techniques may vary from guy to guy but they’re mostly in the same vein. In a case where they’re in a public place and the probability of seeing the girl they want to approach another time is very low, they gather up confidence and go to the girl. The gathering of confidence takes a while because this is not how these guys operate naturally. When they eventually gather up confidence, they go to the girl and indirectly start a conversation. Topics of the conversation are mostly stuff regarding the environment they’re in. It may be about how the girl is enjoying the place, what she’s doing there or what she’s up to. These guys are seriously technical so they pay serious attention to detail.
In most cases, their confidence level isn’t so high so they can’t approach the woman directly. They devise tactics like intercepting the girl somewhere or using something they notice about her to get her attention. They take advantage of situations and meet their target woman through these situations. An example is this, picture a case where there’s a girl, in a class, showing signs of boredom, like drawing silly symbols on her note, playing with her hair or acting restless, the technical ones take note of these and use them as conversation starters.
30% of the time, these guys end up in the friend-zone. This is because they’re usually nice and sensitive. The real truth, most of the time, is that these guys put themselves in the friend-zone or even zone the babe. This makes the girls vulnerable. The technical guys take advantage of this and use this to get to know more about the girl. Because the girl doesn’t regard him as a threat, she opens up to him and tells him a lot of stuff. The technical guys use this to constantly build their rapport with women. When they’ve built their rapport to a very high level, they STRIKE. For those who don’t know, rapport means a relationship of mutual understanding and trust and agreement between people.
A technical guy doesn’t need up to two days to strike. And when he strikes, he strikes hard. He hits the girl where she’s most vulnerable and she has no choice but to let her guard down. They find it easy to get what they want a lot because they understand girls well.
These guys are serious fun to be around. Their sense of humor is extremely high. You can never have a conversation with a technical guy and not laugh. And when you laugh, you’ll laugh hard.
They can be sensitive. They understand you and know what you want or need. Deep inside, these guys are WOAH! Girls often underestimate them.
Relationships with these guys are usually cool and successful. They understand you and know when to do what and what to do when. The only problem you can have with this kind is that they can be hard to read. And in some cases, they’d hate publicity and prefer to keep their relationship and the details about them private.

3. The Split/Opposite Ones
The guys in this category are funny. They are usually guys that aren’t interested in women. They think they aren’t or pretend not to be but deep inside, they are. They usually lack confidence and find it hard to relate with the opposite sex. Their level of confidence can be seriously depressing. They get naturally zoned a good percentage of the time.
The way these guys operate is quite different. Guys in other categories may operate in the same way, the technical guys especially, but they’re not as good as these split guys at it.
These guys are the ones that base their relationships on a virtual basis. They are the ones that meet 90% of the girls they know online. They use platforms like Twitter or Facebook or text messaging or BBM to meet people and build their relationships with the opposite sex. They find it hard to use Skype for their operations because of their lack of confidence. Phone calls are also hard for these guys.
In the virtual world, social networks and the rest, these guys are KINGS. They are so skilled in the art. These guys often get the girls they want but it takes a lot of time usually. And the relationships they build are superficial.
So far, it may look like these guys do stuff the technical guys would do but there’s a major difference. This difference is that, in real life, the technical guys can handle their interaction with girls. The split/opposite guys cannot. This is where the name of this category comes from. Online, these guys are free and keep cool conversations. But in real life, they are absolute learners. They freeze at times and can say nothing when in real life situations. That’s the major trait and only downside sort of of these kind of guys.
A relationship with this kind of guys can turn out in so many ways. They are the best for long distance relationships. They are usually safe and like to keep everything about their relationship on the lowest key.
Sometimes, guys like this make a transition into a technical kind of guy. This is one of the reasons a relationship with a split guy can end in many ways. Other times, they can turn out to be confident guys later in future. Basically, a split/opposite guy is a work-in-progress.

According to Shovel, this is the right and only valid categorization of guys.

Most of the time, guys never actually fall under one particular category. They or we are usually a combination of any two or all three of the categories. This causes us to have complicated traits and makes us much harder to understand. That’s what we believe but the truth is that, no matter how complex or complicated we feel we are, girls still find it easy to see through us, sadly. Their brains have a filtering mechanism that makes them filter out the true nature of boys regardless of how hard he tries to pretend. Also, they read body language really well so it takes a really crazy guy to play a false persona. In the end, we guys still have to fall under one, two or all three of these categories.

With this, I hope I’ve clarified things. Girls have to ditch the belief that all guys are the same. I strongly believe that a girl that feels all guys are the same is the problem. Picture a case where I keep buying TV remote controls and put the same battery inside. I would be wrong to blame all the remote controls. It’s highly plausible that the problem is from the battery. How does this relate to what I’ve been saying? The girl is the battery and the boys are the remote controls. Sometime soon, I’ll be talking about the girls.

No apology for going AWOL :p

Follow @SeyiSoneye 🙂

Why SHOVEL Won’t Change His Avatar

What’s happening? You guys okay? Hopefully, yes.

I didn’t feel like posting so soon but some of you indirectly forced me. And then it’s my job to keep you happy. So Here’s todays bants.

Many times, people ask me why I’ve been using the same twitter avatar for so long. Because of the large number of curious people, I’ve decided to make the answer a post. Before I go on, y’all should have it at the back of your minds that this whole thing has nothing to do with looks. By that, I mean I’m good-looking and if you don’t think so


The answer isn’t so complex and at the same time, it’s not all that basic. Just in case you don’t know, I’m a boy. That’s what the biology folk call ‘male’.  Anyway, the truth is that I’m scared of cameras. And so because of that, I try my best to avoid taking pictures or better still, appearing in any kind of picture; moving (video) or still. That’s the foundational reason or primary reason or parent reason. You should know that doesn’t totally mean I don’t take pictures at all. I actually do but it depends on the importance or relevance of the picture. So it’s safe to say I ‘RARELY’ take pictures.

Since I called that my parent reason, you don’t have to be a genius to know that there are many other reasons. Let’s call them ‘sub-reasons’.  I know you would have liked a straight and brief answer to the question but hey, it’s better I answer you fully just so you don’t ask me any more questions on the topic.

My sub-reasons aren’t so tough to guess. They’re probably the most famous reasons why people like me don’t change our twitter avatars regularly or better still, don’t take pictures.

  • Cameras like to play smart

Wondering how that makes sense? It’s simple. The few times I decide to take pictures, cameras never get the actual thing. For some people, cameras seem to enhance their looks i.e. make them look a lot more attractive. For some others, cameras seem to lessen their looks. For another bunch, cameras capture them exactly how they look. And as fate would have it, I happen to fall into the category of those that get their looks lessened. Cruel stuff. I know you don’t care though.

  • Lack of interest / Laziness

As I said earlier, I rarely take pictures. The few times I do are stressful. Stressful because I’m never satisfied with the way the pictures come out and so I keep deleting as I take them. Cus of this, I end up giving up or managing the most presentable one.

  • Ignorance / Lack of Experience

This reason is seriously embarrassing. I’ll try not to think of the shame and go ahead to tell you guys.  I honestly don’t know how to take pictures. Like how to position the camera or how to position myself or how far to tilt my head or how much to pout or how much teeth to show or how bright the background should be or how wide my smile should be or how high to raise an eyebrow etc. Yes. I’m totally ignorant when it comes to that. I know ignorance is never an excuse but pardon me this time.

  • Awon judges

I can’t explain how much effect this one has. If I change my avatar a lot, some people would complain. It can be annoying when someone changes it too frequently. I mean, it’s not your underwear so why change it so much. On the other hand, if I don’t change it a lot, some people will complain. I don’t need to dwell on this because that is the inspiration and reason for this post. I have to be on one side and so I’ve chosen to be on the side of those who don’t change their avatars frequently.

  • Human beings are hard to please

Human beings are hard to please so why should I bother? I mean, if I use something like this as my twitter avatar:


I’d get questions like; why is the background so weird? Why isn’t the picture a selfie? Could this picture be a selfie-fail? Why is the background so bright? Who are the other boys?  What’s that oxblood thing on the right? Why isn’t the picture clear? Why isn’t there teeth showing? Why not a blue or red or orange tee? Where exactly is that? Why is the boy in the vest showing his arm? Why is Seyi’s nose big? (In case you didn’t know, I’m Seyi. I’m the one in black with ‘Shovel’ written beautifully on my shirt). You can call me Shovel) Why isn’t his head tilted? Why didn’t he pout? Why is his mouth open? Is his hair combed?

Wouldn’t life be easier if I didn’t take the picture? No one would have to be thinking of any questions.

Anyway, that’s all for this post. I hope I’ve answered your question. Now you should know the reason why I won’t change my avatar.  Bye and follow @SeyiSoneye.

How Shovel Sees It – Sarcasm

Hey People. What’s up with you guys? It’s been a while since I last dropped something here, almost a week now. Who liked my honesty? I’m talking about my last post. Two posts back, I promised I was going to show you pepper because of the way you people are and I did justice to my promise by actually showing you pepper in my last post. Yes, I’m a man of my word. So brethren, if you’re looking for a good person, I’m always here.

So last night, after a very long day, I got back to my room really tired and stressed. On a normal night, I would never sleep before 11pm, regardless of how stressful the day might have been. This night was different. As I got in my room, I fell on my bed, did a little tweeting and tried my best to sleep. The sleep just didn’t come and so, I just stared at the ceiling and began to think of nothing in particular.

Different words and thoughts flowed through my mind but only one caught my attention.


I began to ponder on the word. When I realized how pointless what I was doing was, I slept off. The next morning, I got up and rushed my preparation as I had to leave early for a programme I had to attend. When I was done with all my preparing, I left for the programme. I got there kind of early so all I could do was wait till it was time for the programme to start. I decided to while away time by taking a really brief power nap. As I slouched in my seat and closed my eyes, the word came again.


Again, I began to think about the word. After a really short period of thought, it hit me. What hit me, you might be wondering. The truth. That’s what hit me. The truth about sarcasm.

Sarcasm has different meanings. Most of the time, it depends on the context. It is, by official definition, “a sharp, bitter, or cutting expression or remark; a bitter gibe or taunt.” That’s how people with time for long story see it. Much of it is irony. For example, “What a fine musician you turned out to be!”. “This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting. ”

To some people, it’s an attitude. Attitude in the sense that a person can be ‘sarcastic’. Different people have their own perception of it; though most of the perceptions are similar. Mine’s totally different though.

To be honest, I’ve never and still do not understand the concept behind sarcasm. Why it exists and all. Then it hurts when I see people use it or do it (I honestly don’t know the verb to use for it) because I don’t get it. I’ve always believed that I hate it but how can I hate something I don’t understand? Weird yeah?

To me, sarcasm is just an excuse for lying. Like a lie that’s meant to be funny and mean at the same time. For example, my sister goes to school in the morning. Later in the day, I see her in her room and I go, ‘You’re back already‘. And she shoots back at me saying, ‘No, I’m still at school ’. That’s sarcasm right? Or better still, she’s being sarcastic? That’s how most people would see it. To me, she’s lying. Meaning she’s a liar, because she just lied. But no, you’ll say I’m wrong when I’m actually right. You’ll say its sarcasm when she actually dropped a lie.

I mean, it’s clear that she’s not at school but at home. What’s wrong in saying, ‘Yes, I am’. What’s the big idea in telling me she’s at school? Is she trying to be mean? Or funny? Some would say she’s trying to be funny, some would say she’s trying to be mean, another set would say she’s trying to do both at the same time. But isn’t all that wrong? Didn’t she lie? Let’s be honest.

Judging from that example, I guess it’s safe to say sarcasm is really all about lying. This in turn implies that irony is also lying. Isn’t lying opposing morals? Isn’t it wrong to lie? I know lying can make one look good while the real truth is not known but still, isn’t it wrong? If it is, doesn’t that indirectly make sarcasm wrong?

I’m not judging. I’m just looking at it logically. You don’t have to agree with me because I don’t understand it. I force myself to hate it because of the pain of ignorance about it.

I can further conclude that English opposes morals in its own way; with ‘irony’ and ‘sarcasm’ as evidence of English’s guilt.

That’s all for today people. This is just one of those things that come to mind once in a while. What’s your view of the topic? Let me know. (Comment).  Later folks. Follow @SeyiSoneye.