There’s Really Nothing in this Life for the Beardless 

 

Before I begin –

1) Yes, it’s 2017. Yes, you would think beard talk isn’t a thing anymore. Yes, I don’t care. Yes, I’m triggered.

2) Agreed, it’s wrong to call the name of the Lord in vain but,

GOD.

Some weeks back, I was bored at home and decided to go see Kong, which by the way is awesome. Got to the cinema and Kong was showing 3 hours later. To while away time, I got a ticket to see Beauty and the Beast since it was starting in 10 minutes and was going to end 20 minutes before Kong.

This is not a review of the movie. Neither is it a critique of the movie (those two words mean the same thing, or their close in meaning, no? Okay). One thing I would say is, Beauty and the Beast is a laptop movie (which makes me wonder how on Earth it has grossed over $1bn. I’m not even joking °°

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Disney really isn’t your favs mate b °°)

I don’t regret seeing it though, much. But I would have been happier if I didn’t see it at all. Not because it was boring or cheesy or useless, but because of a simple string of words Belle uttered. 

The movie started and everything was going fine. I wasn’t annoyed with the singing; half expected it. Lowkey remembered most of the songs, but you don’t need to know that since I constantly say I’m a hard guy. It’s a live action remake, and so there wasn’t going to be much difference from the cartoon we watched growing up.

Finally got to the end of the movie and everyone was happy. It wasn’t a bad movie…….. Until the final scene.

If you don’t know, Beauty and the Beast is in one sentence about a girl that falls in love with a beast, an actual beast, because he has money. Not even joking. Girls have been finessing men since the 90’s people, stay woke –story for another day–.

No really, that’s what the movie is about. At the end, Beast turns back into a handsome prince or something. He’s clean shaven and looks very alright and proper.

Here, the ideal thing, sensible thing even, would be for Belle (the finesser) to be happy-ier that Beast is now a proper man; because who in their right senses would prefer a Beast? Unfortunately, the answer to that is Belle and here’s why. I can’t remember the exact words but this is what happened.

So Belle and Beast (now a man) are dancing, smiling, everyone in the room is dancing. My man Lumiere was definitely the happiest in the room cos now he can give his babe what she’s been craving for daysss 🌚 Everyone is happy. And then Belle says to Beast and I guess-quote
‘What do you think about a beard??’

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Most people probably didn’t hear her say it, or ignored it, but I didn’t. Do you understand the depth of that statement? Like if you deep it, you would be….hash-tag shoooook doesn’t even properly describe the feeling. You mean, my man just turned back into a man, lost all the hair, his horns and ugliness; he’s now looking good and clean shaven and the first thing you think of is a beard?

I wasn’t triggered because I don’t have a proper beard. I have decent facial hair and if it isn’t enough for you, that’s your personal problem. It just hurts to know that these women won’t fully accept you if you don’t have a beard. Explains a lot tbh.

Women really are scum. Scummier than men and that says something because menaskom.

But Damn.

There’s really nothing in this life for the beardless.

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