Dummies Guide to Handling BrokeTown

I remember leaving BrokeTown some months ago. My fellow townsmen told me I’d be back but I called them peasants and bounced away with my ‘shoulders carried up’. In retrospect, I wish I didn’t do that.

Cos now I’m baaaaaccckkk. Yup yup. Back to BrokeTown babyyy! Won’t lie, I low-key missed this place, lowest of keys.

The thing about being here is, it helps you discover your true personality. Like me for example, I used to think I was an ambivert, since I exhibited both introverted and extroverted personality traits; but BrokeTown helped me realize that’s not who I am. My personality is apparently directly proportional to my account balance.

Basically πŸ‘‡

Never have there been wiser words!

I’ve been back for a while, but it’s been a breeze in breeze out thing. But, I’m officially b a c k.

Moving on. Whilst sitting on the floor, after I got back home from a long day of  relatively reckless splurging, I started to think about my life. Things were going to change. I’d been an extrovert for quite a while so handling (the looming) introvertedness seemed like it was going to be hell.

Few minutes later and I’d come up with some tips. Out of the goodness of my heart, I’ve decided to share them, because there may be someone out there who’s joining us soon.

Mind you, this is a guide for ‘handling’ not ‘leaving’. We don’t want to lose you uno, sooo-

1. Become an Introvert

This is the most important thing to do, immediately you step into BrokeTown. Funny actually, cos you really don’t have a choice. When you’re an introvert, your fundicalβ„’ status doesn’t matter much. Just be able to afford at least 2 meals a day and you’re good.

2. Don’t go out

If you’re not taking out the trash, or going to church, or work, (which has to be walking distance since you dare not splurge on luxuries like fuel for a car or public transport {who are you to be entering motor cars, who are you?}) I don’t know what you’re doing outside. Going out costs money. And you don’t have that. So enjoy your house. Or room. Or wherever.

3. You can’t afford to have debit-alert friends

Some friends don’t have sense. Bulk of what they add to your life is debit-alerts. You need to temporarily unfriend such friends, as they’ll lead you to abject poverty. Friend that will be telling you things like ‘let’s go turn up’; that’s not a friend for Broketown beloved.

4. Relationship?

Lmaooo nahhh. If you’re a babe, you’re lucky., since it’s easier for you to get away with not spending much in a relationship (albeit temporarily). But if you happen to be a guy like me,  don’t do this to yourself ma g. I’m not saying relationships have to be expensive but sometimes, many times, you have to spoil your woman, scatter her life with enjoyment and white dresses or whatever. But then, you can’t do that while your BT citizenship is still valid. Sooo don’t even consider a relationship. Like wydddd? If you’re already in one, fight with your babe (I’ll make a guide on how to fight with a/your babe later). Keep fighting till you’re able to fix up and leave BrokeTown. If you have an understanding partner, good for you. And If you don’t? You have to break up sir. Especially If her birthday or some event is coming up. Sorry. Pray nothing to celebrate comes up over this period too. Like promotions or anything. I know, I know, love would have you thinking you can handle a relationship without funds but don’t be deceived , that’s just you losing focus. It’s what love does best. In no time[ Unrelated 🌚], you could have the woman you love telling you you’re not perfect or that she prefers to be sad and all (sigh). Dunno man, BT is hell.

Extra tip – Helps to find a rich generous babe. It’s a lazy mans move but hey, life is too short. Also, stick to bare flings. Because why are you being a good, upright man when you’re broke 😑 (a joke)

5. Discover New Interests

Discover is actually a joke here. More like ‘force new interests’. On a regular day, I’m a game, meat, movie, enjoyment (and a lot more) buff. But when I got into BT, I couldn’t afford to religiously follow such. So what did I do? I picked up random inexpensive interests. Like reading books I had (e-copies obviously), strolling, pressing phone without viewing pictures or videos irresponsibly, listening to old music and many more. Just look for interests that don’t disturb your finances.

6. Have A1 Excuses to Dip

You need to possess quality excuses for when you have to be at a place or do something but can’t afford it. For example, let’s say, while you were rich, you and a friend had planned to go somewhere. But now you’re broke and can’t show up. You need mad excuses to be able to fire when the need arises. My go-to is ‘So sorry, I had an asthma attack and my chest hurts like crazy’. It’s quite foolproof, since no one ever cares to confirm. Another good one is ‘my aunt dropped by and left her kids with me so I can’t leave them unattended’.

Just be creative. Use your head. Come up with A1 excuses.

7. Do you really need a balanced diet?

This one applies to those who live alone. Do you really need good food sir? What is a balanced diet? When you’re rich, you easily by 3+ pieces of ‘ogunfe‘ to go with your amala, or 2 pieces of beef, 1 ponmo and assorted with your rice or beans. But now that you’re in BT, you can’t be misbehaving like that. After all, who has protein really helped? This is the time to understand that quantity > quality. Don’t listen to the unwoke that tell you quality is important. They have money, you don’t. So sir/ma, use that 200 to buy only rice. We have meat in our body. If the body craves meat, it can cut part of your intestines and use ✌

8. Standards? What are those?

Imagine being broke and still having standards πŸ˜‚ You’re broke and you’re on some ‘ewww I can’t take sachet water’ p? Or ‘nah, it’s either basmati rice or nothing’. Some go as far as ‘ugh, I can’t be trekking and buses are razz, I’ll take an Uber’. Looooooool. Imagine being carried for 9 months and coming out to exhibit such a silly behaviour. Only time you should be calling an Uber is when you’re using it for the first time and it’s 2000 off. If you’ve used it already, there’s Taxify. Use their 2000 off as well and flourish.  Can’t be paying for no trips sir. Can’t.

Standards belong to the elite, so behave. 

9. Work on your self-control

When your account balance is on extrovert levels, you tend to find jokes funny. Jokes about account balance or funds and stuff; LOL-ing and ‘πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚’ all the tweets about lack of funds. Once you enter BT, such jokes start to annoy you. You take them personal. My mute and block list is filled with people who tweet such annoying nonsense while I’m in BT.

10. Bonus

 Well this is more advice than tip. No matter what you do, try hard not to be entirely broke. Like 0 naira. Adopt a saving habit. Even while in BT, I always have savings I can’t touch somewhere in case of emergencies or opportunities. Learn to save.

#StayGuided guys. I hope this helps πŸ™

low-key not a proper BT citizen btw πŸŒš