Chapter 1 – Introduction
Instead of starting off by- and for the 52nd, I think, time- apologizing for ghosting for such a long time, this time, I’m going straight to the point cos I been exposed to some quality fire recently.
It has been a worry to me but I pretend not to care. Old man like me and I have not settled down. Old man like me and I don’t have my rib. I’ve had the past few days to think a lot cos I’ve spent most of them shivering in bed and watching Archer and Silicon Valley[LoS]; and researching.
Chapter 2 – Literature Review
I have discovered the cause of my problem. I don’t ask people if they have eaten. In my defense, I only learned about this key question only recently; about 4 months ago. I had just met someone and during one of our conversations, she asked me if I had eaten. It was alien to me so I’m like, ‘Sister, wyd?’, cos to me, it was a joke. She took offense and asked me to answer. I hadn’t so I said no. After wasting her time, begging me to find something to eat, I lied that I would and our conversation ended.
Chapter 3 – Research Methodology
Why ‘lied’? Well, this life has seasons. It’s like Barclays Premier League, one day you’re Chelsea, next day you’re Cardiff City. Ladies and Gentlemen, this particular day, I was Portsmouth. Can’t tell how it happened but on that particular day, I was running for president of Broke-lyn™[Jenifa’s Diary, 20-I dunno], so madam’s ‘go and eat’ was a joke to me.
Chapter 4 – Results and Discussion
Anyway, weeks passed and I started to notice that ‘have you eaten?’ was a serious thing. I under-studied (see, if you want to get to the top, you have to not carry shoulder up) some of my friends that had wives (even though no ring yet but e sure); keyword: wives, cos that’s what I’m looking for; age is not on my side. It was observed that these friends consistently asked their wives if they had eaten and their wives asked too. Even those that cheated, I observed that they asked their main sides if they had eaten and didn’t ask the girls that, well, can’t call them sides, so let’s just call them the tray.
Chapter 5 – Conclusion
So what is my point? Apparently, if you want to make it, you must ask if someone has eaten. Well, my new sliding-into-the-dm line is ‘Hello baby, I’m a b*****-*****r[Ololo All-Stars 2015], have you eaten?’ It has a 97.3% success rate[TwitterDms, 2016] so I recommend it. <<<<—- Is what I wish my conclusion is. My real conclusion is, there is a possibility something is wrong with all of you. How can you be asking me if I have eaten, then I say no, and you don’t bring Jollof rice and Plantain and this fire peppered chicken Alhaji Mustapha does for my mum to my doorstep? Actual bombs dey your heads[BoS, 2016].
Library of Shovel™ 2014
Jenifa’s Diary, Season I-dunno, 20-I dunno
Ololo All-Stars, IP, 2016
Twitter Direct Messages 2016
Brain of Shovel™ 2016
Sidenote: these people that made my text editor are red underlining Jollof! Nigerians, what are we doing?