I wish I wrote this one. Unfortunately, I didn’t. My brain is enjoying it’s sabbatical. *wipes dust off blog* I haven’t posted anything in ages and I didn’t think I would this soon, but thanks to a concerned 🐐 named Oreva, I do. Enjoy
In the wee hours of a Monday morning, almost half of the villagers in BlahBlah village were gathered at the Grundy’s homestead. The men could be seen sitting outside drinking palmwine and telling of their various experiences on a night like this; the women were scattered at the backyard, some fanning the fire boiling the water, some preparing food for the coming celebration, some rushing in and out. ‘It’s happening!!!’ someone shouted from inside and the whole house quieted.
Amidst the silence, a tiny wailing was heard as the new addition to the Grundy’s was born. ‘It’s a boy!’ a woman screamed as she rushed out to congratulate Pa Grundy. After slaps and pats on the back of congratulations, the village dispersed knowing they would be back on the morrow for the christening of the child as is the custom of BlahBlah village.
The next morning, the maid held the wailing baby in her arms and wondered whether to wake the very tired Mrs. Grundy to breastfeed him or to just use a bottle. Seeing as she liked her mistress so, she decided not to wake her but use the bottle. As she placed the bottle in his mouth, he used his pudgy fists to push them away while shaking his head to refuse it. ‘Ah, a wise one’ she said ‘He knows it isn’t his mother’s breasts. We should name you Wisdom’. ‘Fuck no’ a very tired looking but awake Mrs Grundy said from the doorway ‘Ain’t nobody gon’ name my child such a silly name. Let’s find some wise guy and name him after him.’ ‘The king then’ the maid said. Mrs. Grundy stopped just short of bringing a cup of water to her lips ‘don’t insult my baby. Our king is dumb as hell’. ‘No, not that king’ the maid rolled her eyes ‘the king Solomon of the Bible’. ‘Ah, nice one. Yes, Solomon is what we shall call him’.
And Solomon is what they christened him at the ceremony that Tuesday afternoon.
As the people were drinking, eating, dancing and being merry, they suddenly heard the shrill whistle of Bleh, the oracle’s mouthpiece. The joy was immediately extinguished as it is said that any occasion where Bleh showed suddenly blowing his whistle, he only bore ominous news. He didn’t have to shout as the silence in the place was deafening.
‘The baby is cursed’ he said in his eerie voice ‘he brings with him bad luck, nay, terrible tidings for no luck accompanies him whether good or bad, they all fled. He will die four days from today and he just might take some villagers with him’ a collective gasp was heard. He took a break to light his blunt and after a long inhale, he continued ‘but not to worry. Shioor look at you Samu, already thinking about running to the next village. It can be averted. If he his betrothed before the sun goes down tomorrow to one of the twin girls of the Lobatan family that were born last week, he just might live. But take note, it has to be the first twin for she packed all the good luck from beyond, enough for herself and everyone. I believe she packed her twin sister’s own too so yeah, not the second twin but the first twin’ he then left as silently as he came.
The two families met and seeing as Mr. Lobatan understood, he agreed to betroth Taye to Solomon. Wednesday was another day of celebration as the villagers felt like they had averted a great evil now that Taye and Solomon were to be married that day. But as bad things like to happen to good people, the twins were accidentally switched and Kehinde was taken out for the ceremony.
The betrothal ceremony was carried out and by evening, Solomon and Taye (Kehinde really) were married or betrothed or whatever.
Come Thursday, Solomon caught a nasty cold. He was sneezing and shivering and coughing and his nose kept running. Every of the women around pitched in on different herbs and methods that might work. They tried every possible thing from covering him and a hot pot of boiled herbs with a wrapper so that the steam would work to bathing him with different other herbs while he was drinking some potion of some sort but nothing worked. ‘It’s just a mild Iba’ they said ‘it would pass in a few days’.
By Friday, he started stooling and vomiting continuously he was also rejecting even his mother’s breast milk. Right before their eyes the baby Solomon was becoming all bones. The people started to worry and speculate. Some said he was an Abiku, the ones who are born repeatedly and keep on dying repeatedly just to punish their mothers, others said it was the prophecy of Bleh coming to pass. The people who heard the latter set of people talk shushed them saying the Grundy’s had obeyed and married him to Taye, nothing should be wrong.
Meanwhile, in the Lobatan’s home, Mrs Lobatan was getting really jumpy and guilty; she had a feeling she picked the wrong twin on Wednesday seeing as she still didn’t know which twin was which but she hoped she was right but at the moment she wasn’t looking so right anymore. She kept praying to the gods that it really would be just an Iba that would pass soon.
But it didn’t pass. He died on Saturday, Mrs Grundy was so heartbroken she died just hours after he did. Mrs Lobatan felt so guilty she confessed her sins, Mr Grundy got so mad he murdered her.
Before the Sun rose on Sunday, Solomon was carried to the cemetery amidst wails of the villagers. His surviving widow was carried by the Grundy’s maid and she was also weeping but we believe it was for a different reason seeing as nobody had remembered to feed her that morning. The other people who also died because of the whole Solomon situation were also to be laid to rest.
As the ceremony continued, Bleh passed by and one of the women with tears in her eyes shouted ‘It has happened as you said it will, Bleh. The baby Solomon has died and taken some people with him’. Bleh looked confused for a moment ‘I said that?’ he asked ‘I don’t know why you people even listen to me, I’m just a bloody junkie with a weird voice and a whistle. The child probably died from the malaria. That shit be killing babies anyhow nowadays’ he turned to go then stopped ‘Wait, so y’all mean you married those babies? Oh you people crayy’ he then left, leaving behind him a very shocked number of the villagers.
Since it had happened and nothing could be done about it, the baby was put to rest.
And that is the end of Solomon Grundy.