Ugliest Guy Ever Liveth

Everyone and their mum swears the proverb ‘Mama wey born monkey go talk say the monkey fine’ carries total truth. Not Ajalu, or his mother, or the members of the Pakurumo community.

Every single citizen of Pakurumo above the age of nineteen remembers the very dark day for the community that happened today, exactly nineteen years and eleven months ago.

It was a deadly day. All signs pointed to it being one but prayers and faith to/in the god, Dawa,   calmed everyone. Their faith would prove pointless as Dawa would casually sly our unfortunate people.

Prior to his birth, the village babalawo, commonly known as Ogbeni Sule prophesied that in the next ten years, a child would be born of the most beautiful woman in the village. ‘He would be an abomination. He would be a reincarnation of the fallen beast Kolanne’ he had said that afternoon.

Everyone had laughed; some even stoned the babalawo, claiming he was just a bored imbecile.

Our homeboy, Ogbeni Sule would eventually have the last laugh. As he prophesied, the abomination Ajalu was born to the beautiful Luru. Oh boy, she cried. She cried a lot. She also stayed indoors and never set foot outside her house. Word went out that the beautiful Luru had been crying for days. Many wondered what would be the reason for this. They prayed to Dawa but Dawa, as usual slyed them.

A month later, when Luru would finally release herself from herself imprisonment, the villagers finally realize the cause of her tears.

The town crier, Earnest, had gone around the previous day, making Luru’s intentions to finally step out known. ‘People of Pakurumo! People of Pakurumo! Our flower, Luru, has decided she shall come out tomorrow. Dawa has answered our prayers!’

‘Chei! Dawa has answered’

‘Yes! The gods are not dead’

The following day, everyone in the village, man, woman, confused, and child would begin to march towards Ogbeni Jafa, Luru’s now impotent husband’s house.


All their excitement would come to an abrupt stop, as they would finally get to Ogbeni Jafa’s house, only to see the impotent bastard, sitting in front of his hut, a white egg in his left hand, his right hand working its way up and down his Secret Snake.

‘AHHHH! JAFA!’ the people had shouted.
‘Don’t chastise me, my people of Pakurumo’ he replied, his right hand still fondling his Long Lion

‘I am only obeying the instruction of the god Dawa’

The people of Pakurumo would end up beating the daylight out of Jafa.

That is how Jafa died.

They would begin to chant, ‘LURU! LURU! SHOW YOURSELF! LURU! LURU! SHOW US THE BABY’

Luru had shouted back from inside, ‘People please! Return now to your homes. I do not want to harm you’

The Chief Dragon, Kasago had shouted, ‘Come out our flower. We are prepared for whatever you speak of’.

Luru would warn them seven times, but the stubborn spirit of the Pakurumo people would keep them there.

Luru would finally give in and agree to come out.

‘Alright my people’ She would shout. ‘I am coming out’

‘LURU OUR GEM! LURU OUR FLOWER’, they would chant in unison, not hiding their joy.
Luru had walked out rather slowly.

Hidden under many layers of the forbidden Iranu leaves and a white cloth was her baby.

‘This is my son, Ajalu’ she would reply. ‘As the imbecile Ogbeni Sule had prophesied, I gave birth to this abomination; his name Ajalu; meaning Demon among Men’

‘AHHHH! LULU OUR FLOWER! Why shall you name a child such?’ the people would shout

‘My people, I shit you not, this child I hold before you is of a worse condition than the fallen beast Kolanne’ she would reply.

‘Show us the abomination! Reveal to us the abomination’ they would shout, oblivious of the calamity they were requesting for.

‘If it is your wish, show I shall; reveal I shall’
She would then unwrap the abomination and lift him up, presenting him before the people of Pakurumo in Lion-King-esque fashion.

‘HOLY SHIT! BLOOD OF THREE THOUSAND CHICKENS!’ they would cry out as their eyes fell on the ugliest thing they could imagine. And all of a sudden, they would all fall down and die. Just like that.

That is how the people of Pakurumo would wipe out of existence.

My name is Ajalu. I am ugly as hell. Like Superman, I am the last of my people.

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