Alright Alright Alright
What’s up guys? The time has come; the moment has arrived. This is the first post in the #TrafficDiaries series. I don’t know about you but I’m pumped as balloons.
Unfortunately, this is going to be my worst best post. Worst because its contents hurt my inner man, and best cos I’m really sure most, if not all of you will enjoy it (No you won’t)
This is by miles the worst way to start this series. It’s called #TrafficDiaries but this particular post has nothing to do with traffic.
Without further ardew, let us fly into the order of the day
The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Bad day
Before I started this series, I thought things through and felt the posts would majorly contain stuff like people I meet in traffic, stuff I see, traffic stuff uno. Sadly that’s not how the first day went down.
Remember how I said I wanted to stab work yesterday? I did. I didn’t even need a fake excuse cos I woke up with a chest pain and I couldn’t go to work. I won’t even lie, I was happy. Who doesn’t like a free day?
First of all, I made sure I slept well, and enough.
My plans for the day were to chill; watch some series, spend quality time with the lover, eat and all. Things started off really good.
I got up when I was tired of staying in bed and went to eat Frosties. And NEPA (not PHCN) was well behaved at the time so I jumped on the lover and began to have fun. I won’t say I didn’t see it coming but NEPA carried their light few minutes later. Let’s skip the part where I went to watch Flash and bathed the dog and stuff and go straight to the interesting part. I’m as bored as you are so far.
So, around 12, 1 or there about, I decided to go bathe. Still can’t explain why but one useless spirit entered me and convinced me to bathe outside. Okay, lemme explain. The weather was really good. Last time I bathed outside was in secondary school and it felt good so I missed it.
So, I picked a bucket and went outside. Trust me to scan the area before I start cos I don’t want to be showing me man parts to unworthy people. Everywhere looked empty so I got naked and got to bathing.
No shit guys, I don’t think a bath has felt that good in a long time. The cool water running down my back and the cool breeze blowing down there; bliss. You guys have to try it.
So there I was, bathing, whistling one of my favourite Bieber tracks and enjoying myself.
You know how for some unexplainable reason, we human beings can just tell when someone is watching us? I got that feeling so I immediately washed the soap off my eyes and looked around.
Naturally, I should structure the sentences here in a way that creates suspense but no time for that right now cos this story reaches deep into my soul.
Yeah, you must have guessed it. Someone was staring at me for I don’t even know how long. Nothing really scary about that, not if that someone was by far the number one someone I wouldn’t have wanted to see at that time if I were to choose which someone saw me.
It was my neighbour,
So picture this; young guy who lives next door is naked in the backyard, bathing, rubbing his body, and whistling. Much older woman, older than his mum, is standing not so far off, watching, confused, wondering what the hell she was seeing. How odd is that? Something like this
Lemme just show you exactly what I did. I thought of covering my parts and explaining, telling her it’s not what it looks like; or just running away; or killing her.
But brethren, what I chose to do, was as stupid as this gif
Yeah, I simply covered my face with one palm, threw my towel across my neck, carried the bucket with my free hand and walked into my house.
Now that I think of it, I really could have done better. To be honest, words can’t do justice to how awwks the whole thing was. I can’t think of a better way to pass across the message but manage this one.
Once inside, I went to my bed, laid down and cried. I don’t know why I cried but them tears were hot. I suddenly began to sweat, like sweat profusely.
Easily the weirdest moment of my life. To cool off and forget about the whole thing, I got dressed and headed straight to the High Court in Ikeja. No reason or explanation as to why I was going to the High Court; just know my brain was in sleep mode and I really needed to cool off.
The bike ride to the bus stop was fun. I loved how the breeze blew into my face. It cooled me down and took away the memory of what happened earlier. And the bike guy smelled really nice too.
Unfortunately, the day just got worse for me. On the bus I got on, I found myself sitting next to an army guy. I have heard a lot about how evil they can be so I tried my best to compose myself. While doing so, I mistakenly stepped on him.
He didn’t slap me, thank God. Just know he made me prostrate there on the bus amongst other things.
Blah Blah Blah, this, that, this, nothing worth sharing happened after that. Since telling you guys about how I was walking around the High Court premises, some security men stopping me and asking me questions, how I had to part with money because I didn’t know the right things to say to them, how I had to walk miles to get to an ATM machine, how the bus ride home involved my head resting perfectly under the bus conductors sweaty armpit, how my suya guy slyed me, or how I’ve bumped into my neighbor’s wife at least 14 times already since yesterday afternoon. Although, I’ll tell you about how I went on an unusally long unbeaten run in FIFA last night and when I eventually lost, I… You know those losses that make you question life? Make you wonder? Yeah, it was that kind of loss. The loss where you’re killing your opponent and NEPA decides to take light and EA doesn’t care about your feelings and records the match as an L. Sigh.
Anyway, that’s all for this first part in the series. I know it’s probably not all that but hey, deal with it. Some actual traffic diary stuff will happen soon enough so keep calm and… Umm… Do whatever you want.
Yeah, one more thing; somewhere in the back of my mind, I’ve been thinking, ‘Does Madam like what she saw?’
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