#TrafficDiaries – Cursed Consistency and My Ball Sack

Yeah, the former part of the title doesn’t exactly have much to do with the contents of this post. You guys don’t need to tell me. I’m well aware. My consistency here is tragic *Kim Kardashian voice*

Ah yes, before I forget. The club I support, FC Barcelona; Yeah, that club with one short man you must have heard of; Lionel Messi; You may know him as the G.O.A.T (Dont argue); Club with that real life vampire, Luis Suarez; we won our league. Most of you don’t care but it meant a lot to me so excuse my brief bitching.

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With that off my chest, let’s go straight into today’s slightly scary #TrafficDiaries entry; which by the way is short.

How I kinda, sorta, lost my man parts (For a few minutes though

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It’s true, unfortunately. Today was a beautiful day.
Left home quite early so getting to work didn’t involve the ever present 3rd Mainland traffic. Work was equally wonderful. A bit stressful but fun stress; you can’t understand.
Beautiful day aside, I looked forward to closing time, 5:00pm. No place like home you know. 5:00pm came and not a second after, your boy was off. As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I’m saving to buy a Mercedes Benz , pronounced ‘Macidis Behns’. So I’m currently Vice President of the trek trek/bus crew. Don’t worry, I’m making progress.

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N11,999,675 more and I will become a big boy; riding around town in my motor car, picking the ladies :):)

The bus ride home was peaceful. Except the expected places where there had to be heavy traffic. All in all, the day was soothingly on fleek. I even bumped into Precious, a technical bae whose smile always made the world a better place anytime I saw it. Best part of the day.

Judging from my history, I don’t come here to give you guys gist about my perfect moments. They don’t interest you. It’s the annoying, shitty moments that gets you guys.

I’m sure fate must have been looking at me as I got off the bus at my final bus stop before I got an estate bike that would take me to my house like ‘Haha perfect day my ass’.

I waved off, or down, or whatever. I bin stop one bike sha. Bike man was like, ‘Good evening. How was your day?’. I’m like , ‘ Wawu, your english is beautiful’ , considering he was an aboki. Man was like, ‘I’ve carried you before, I’m familiar with your route’.
In my mind, I’m thinking , ‘okay stop. Who is this aboki that is speaking even better than me?’
I told him that’s nice and we began to move.
I was busy typing away on my phone, not paying attention since my guy claimed to know the way. That’s how all of a sudden, I felt the bike go UP and slam DOWN into the ground. We had just gone in and out of the deepest pothole ever. I shit you not, I felt my ball sack in my stomach. I screamed and almost slapped my guys head.
Apparently, the olodo actually knew my house but passed the worst possible route ever. I’m like, ‘Ogbeni, why dafuq did you have to pass here?’ And he had the guts to reply, ‘In my defense, it’s a shorter route and I wanted to get you home as early as possible’. I didn’t know when I told him to stop forming Queens english and spit pidgin.
The ride home was death. My ball sack kept going in and out and in and out of my stomach. When I finally got home, I couldn’t feel my testicles.
Went straight up to my room, and did this basically

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Just slot in placing a chilled can of Malta Guiness on my man parts between laying down and trying not to cry since that’s what I saw mandem do in movies when they hurt their testicles.

So here I am. Typing, trying not to move too much cos any slight movement will send shots of pain down there. Med students, will I still be able to make beautiful babies? Will my testicles stop hurting? Plix hansa me.

Refer back to the picture of Raheem Sterling above. That’s my face right now

Fuck this entry man; A thousand times over.

Bye

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Death’s Diary – Page 28

Hey guys! Before you attack me, kamdan and listen. I kinda sorta lost my WordPress password. More like forgot actually. True, I could have easily reset it, but hey, the heart is willing but the body is tired and so, just so I get to have an excuse for going MIA on your asses, I didn’t reset it. So yep, my excuse for not updating #TheTrafficDiaries is that I lost my WordPress password.
Anyway, during the time it was lost, I did make some posts I would drop once I retrieved my password; like this one.
The series continues tomorrow (Catch up if you haven’t read it here and here)
For now however, I’ll be updating one of the series I started that has no specific time it drops :):) Although, what I really planned for today was

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But that’s for another time

Enjoy

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I’m tired of people condemning me. “Death is such a sad thing”, “Death sucks”, blah blah. I won’t pretend it doesn’t bother me. I have feelings too. But just to clarify, I don’t suck. I didn’t stop sucking my thumb till I was about 15, but I don’t suck anymore.
This is my 28th entry into you Diary; I have a feeling some idiot will get his or her hands on you someday and so, hereon, I will be including some death threats between the lines to scare whoever the idiot may be. Evil right? Haha, I know.
For today, Diary, I want to tell you about my most embarrassing day ever. I can feel you smile, you fool. If you weren’t a stack of  papers, I would have slapped you.
See, I have had so many embarrassing experiences to choose from. I really can’t pick a specific winner and so I would be telling you a few; one today and probably two or three later, depending on how I feel about sharing them with you.
One of my most embarrassing experiences came while I was in SS1/Year 10. You probably know but I was one good looking girl. Second most beautiful uno. Second cos boys fancied this light skinned bitch I hate so much more than me. I feel I’m prettier than her.
As the beautiful girl I was, I got a lot of attention from the boys. Worth noting that I was blessed in the right places; less said the better before someone makes it his life goal to find me and Rape me (Weird though cos I’ve been tight with a guy named Rape sometime ago). Owing to my perfectly arranged assets, overall, I was rated higher than the bloody light skin.
Boys to my left, boys to my right, my front, my back; they were everywhere. At home, at school, church, in hell, the mosque, at the mall, the beach, everywhere. Because of this, I had to be a bitch. Yup. Someone cannot be that fine and be relating with just anybody. Not all brothers are worthy to stand next to this. Being a bitch came naturally. Cos boys knew they had to analyze their situation before they could come near me. Must be funny uno, them asking themselves,

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‘Am I fine enough?’

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‘Am I rich enough?’

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‘Do I deserve her?’

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‘Will she look my side?’

I won’t even lie, I love the attention.

All these facts and you should be able to understand how bad it would be for someone in my position to be publicly embarrassed.
Oh yeah, I should add that I was really brilliant. Top of my class. And Dad was/is RICH, asf. Basically

*cries in wealth and riches*

(Explained all this vain talk in previous pages remember, diary?)

On to the important part, my most embarrassing moment came at the worstestest time possible.
My girl, Pride was to celebrate her 18th and I decided to host it cos she’s one of my closest friends and all . Venue for the party was my house, like my personal house. Paid for all the drinks, food, goodies, entertainment cos , I mean

Day of the party came and I tried my best not to out dress my friend cos it was her day after all. All efforts proved futile unfortunately.
The party started around 5pm. It was really cool. Full house and all. When the party was getting hotter, I called everyone’s attention to the stage and made them all sing ‘Happy Birthday’ for Pride. The smile on her face made me so so happy. We had planned to do a dance routine just for bants and to also show off our perfectly toned butts.
And so, we went to change into our grey bum shorts with white tees that read, ‘Pride and Death, we go hand in hand’.
As we walked to the center of the stage, boys all over began to make silly noises. They were so so excited.
As the DJ began to play Dillow Francis and DJ Snake’s Get Low, me and my girls began to work our waists for the man dem

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All of a sudden, I began to feel funny in my shorts. It was feeling kinda moist. That’s when I remembered, I was on my period.
I’d rather not go into details but a brief summary of what went down is this –
Apparently, I didn’t position my pad well enough so it kinda slipped out of place.
So there I was, twerking away; showing off a red disgusting spot on my ass. Must be the reason the noise unusually involved a lot of giggles.

I didn’t step out of my house for a month.

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Yeah, that was weird and nasty, but hey, I control all the content you see here so

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See you another time. Bye

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#TrafficDiaries – The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Bad Day

Alright Alright Alright
What’s up guys? The time has come; the moment has arrived. This is the first post in the #TrafficDiaries series. I don’t know about you but I’m pumped as balloons.
Unfortunately, this is going to be my worst best post. Worst because its contents hurt my inner man, and best cos I’m really sure most, if not all of you will enjoy it (No you won’t)
This is by miles the worst way to start this series. It’s called #TrafficDiaries but this particular post has nothing to do with traffic.
Without further ardew, let us fly into the order of the day

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Bad day
Before I started this series, I thought things through and felt the posts would majorly contain stuff like people I meet in traffic, stuff I see, traffic stuff uno. Sadly that’s not how the first day went down.
Remember how I said I wanted to stab work yesterday? I did. I didn’t even need a fake excuse cos I woke up with a chest pain and I couldn’t go to work. I won’t even lie, I was happy. Who doesn’t like a free day?
First of all, I made sure I slept well, and enough.
My plans for the day were to chill; watch some series, spend quality time with the lover, eat and all. Things started off really good.
I got up when I was tired of staying in bed and went to eat Frosties. And NEPA (not PHCN) was well behaved at the time so I jumped on the lover and began to have fun. I won’t say I didn’t see it coming but NEPA carried their light few minutes later. Let’s skip the part where I went to watch Flash and bathed the dog and stuff and go straight to the interesting part. I’m as bored as you are so far.
So, around 12, 1 or there about, I decided to go bathe. Still can’t explain why but one useless spirit entered me and convinced me to bathe outside. Okay, lemme explain. The weather was really good. Last time I bathed outside was in secondary school and it felt good so I missed it.
So, I picked a bucket and went outside. Trust me to scan the area before I start cos I don’t want to be showing me man parts to unworthy people. Everywhere looked empty so I got naked and got to bathing.
No shit guys, I don’t think a bath has felt that good in a long time. The cool water running down my back and the cool breeze blowing down there; bliss. You guys have to try it.
So there I was, bathing, whistling one of my favourite Bieber tracks and enjoying myself.
You know how for some unexplainable reason, we human beings can just tell when someone is watching us? I got that feeling so I immediately washed the soap off my eyes and looked around.
Naturally, I should structure the sentences here in a way that creates suspense but no time for that right now cos this story reaches deep into my soul.
Yeah, you must have guessed it. Someone was staring at me for I don’t even know how long. Nothing really scary about that, not if that someone was by far the number one someone I wouldn’t have wanted to see at that time if I were to choose which someone saw me.

It was my neighbour,

His wife.

Her face

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Mine

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So picture this; young guy who lives next door is naked in the backyard, bathing, rubbing his body, and whistling. Much older woman, older than his mum, is standing not so far off, watching, confused, wondering what the hell she was seeing. How odd is that? Something like this

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Lemme just show you exactly what I did. I thought of covering my parts and explaining, telling her it’s not what it looks like; or just running away; or killing her.
But brethren, what I chose to do, was as stupid as this gif

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Yeah, I simply covered my face with one palm, threw my towel across my neck, carried the bucket with my free hand and walked into my house.
Now that I think of it, I really could have done better. To be honest, words can’t do justice to how awwks the whole thing was. I can’t think of a better way to pass across the message but manage this one.
Once inside, I went to my bed, laid down and cried. I don’t know why I cried but them tears were hot. I suddenly began to sweat, like sweat profusely.
Easily the weirdest moment of my life. To cool off and forget about the whole thing, I got dressed and headed straight to the High Court in Ikeja. No reason or explanation as to why I was going to the High Court; just know my brain was in sleep mode and I really needed to cool off.
The bike ride to the bus stop was fun. I loved how the breeze blew into my face. It cooled me down and took away the memory of what happened earlier. And the bike guy smelled really nice too.
Unfortunately, the day just got worse for me. On the bus I got on, I found myself  sitting next to an army guy. I have heard a lot about how evil they can be so I tried my best to compose myself. While doing so, I mistakenly stepped on him.
He didn’t slap me, thank God. Just know he made me prostrate there on the bus amongst other things.
Blah Blah Blah, this, that, this, nothing worth sharing happened after that. Since telling you guys about how I was walking around the High Court premises, some security men stopping me and asking me questions, how I had to part with money because I didn’t know the right things to say to them, how I had to walk miles to get to an ATM machine, how the bus ride home involved my head resting perfectly under the bus conductors sweaty armpit, how my suya guy slyed me, or how I’ve bumped into my neighbor’s wife at least 14 times already since yesterday afternoon. Although, I’ll tell you about how I went on an unusally long unbeaten run in FIFA last night and when I eventually lost, I… You know those losses that make you question life? Make you wonder? Yeah, it was that kind of loss. The loss where you’re killing your opponent and NEPA decides to take light and EA doesn’t care about your feelings and records the match as an L. Sigh.
Anyway, that’s all for this first part in the series. I know it’s probably not all that but hey, deal with it. Some actual traffic diary stuff will happen soon enough so keep calm and… Umm… Do whatever you want.

Yeah, one more thing; somewhere in the back of my mind, I’ve been thinking, ‘Does Madam like what she saw?’

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Namaste 🙏🙏

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