Death’s Diary – Page 1

Morning guys! I’m here to ruin your Monday for you ☺. So I came across this brown leather diary whilst snooping around a graveyard somewhere. I began to go through it and it was one weird, scary and dark work of art. Some pages in, I heard footsteps approaching behind me and I had to run. The book was too bulky for me to run with and so I tore out a few pages and I’ve decided to share them with you. So, if there are any consequences that follow having any knowledge of the contents of this queer book, I won’t suffer them alone

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My name is Death. Contrary to popular belief, I am a very good person. Yes, I may have taken that person you love; your mum, dad, girlfriend, wife, husband, brother, sister, grandmother (Ugh, they’re so boring to take), and even your child (My personal favorite), but really I’m just a very nice individual that tries my best to be thorough at doing my job.
I’ve been around for a very long time. Longer than most of you humans, in fact, I was around long before any of you that I haven’t taken were born.
When I was much younger, I was a very gentle soul. Calm, cool and gentle. But then I enjoyed playing once in a while.
Being the only girl in my family, growing up was tough. And then being the daughter of Chaos, life wasn’t so smooth. Dad is another cool guy. The only problem with him is that he tends to go off at the most random times, causing problems and disorderliness.
Mum on the other hand was evil. Oh my; it’s a bit harsh to say something like that about my Mum but she’s one cold, evil bitch (I hope she doesn’t see this). Her name is Love.
Then there’s my brother, Sin. I love him to death (that sounds awkward). Sin is my role model. Everybody loves him. He is the child my parents adore the most; the boy every girl wants to be with; the kind of person every young child wants to be like when they grow up. The thing that made everyone love Sin was that he always did his job with absolute finesse. Sin defined being thorough. Give him an assignment and he would deliver with precision and speed. Such a lovable and perfect guy. I wish my real best friend , Sleep could learn and thing or two from him.
And then, there’s my retard tomboy sister I despise so much. SHE IS SUCH A SLUT. She’s a few minutes older than me but she acts like it’s ten years or something. Her name is Promiscuous. Ah, describing Promiscuous is a task only her boyfriend, Cheat can explain. So I’ll leave that for him to do sometime later. By the way, I don’t count her as a girl.
And then my baby brother, Adultery-Fornication. His name is unusually long and I can’t wrap my head around why it is. He’s a cute little thing but we’re all low key scared of him because he’s too smart for his age and has started delivering at tasks handed to him. I’m guessing he’ll grow up to be better than Sin.
My family is a weird one. Dad’s father, Love-of-Money offended a man named Lucifer many decades ago and he was cursed to be the father of all evil. I don’t get what that means but I’m guessing it has something to do with why my family is multiple shades of abnormal.
After Grandpa Love-Of-Money, who by the way doesn’t want to die, annoyed Lucifer and was cursed, every one that came after him in our town is born with a task or assignment handed to us at birth. And whether we like it or not, we have to deliver, else something terrible happens to us. Nobody knows what it is but since Uncle Women-Cant-Jump-Into-Conclusions disappeared mysteriously, leaving his assignment of stopping women from jumping into conclusions halfway done, we’ve all been doing our jobs well to avoid the same fate.
Since the day I was born, my parents always told me I am a special child and I have the toughest assignment. I didn’t understand initially but as I went from class to class in school, learning all that my job entails, I began to slowly grasp the whole complexity of my job.
Being Death is fun. I started out doing my job with a little or almost no confidence. Although, I’m suspecting it was because my ‘gay’ best friend, Fear (I tell my family he’s gay so they don’t suspect anything anytime he comes to my room and we lock the door. With that lie and my baby brother’s help, well, the things we do are……) was with me.
My young mind made me weak. My conscience existed which isn’t a good attribute for someone with my job. This explains why guys like Noah, Adam and those guys were on Earth for a very long time. There’s this particular guy, Methuselah. Loved him. He’s still the hardest assignment I have ever handled.
As I grew older, things got easier and tougher. Tougher because I was unexplainably hot and beautiful and boys like Lies, Good-Intentions (very cunning guy 😒), Rape and Peace were always on my case. And easier because you human beings made my job easier.
Let me explain. Initially, I had to sit and think of different ideas of how to execute my job. It was so so tough. My ex, Accidents helped from time to time though but I wasn’t so creative so things were rough.
By the time I was 16, I had my first child. It was Rape’s child but he was nowhere to be found when word about the baby was out. My son’s name is Anger by the way.
Being a teen mom, I had to slow down a bit with my job. Slowing down ironically meant making sure I was faster with my assignments so that I would have more free time. It was around this time I presented my big idea to Daddy. It was called World War End, but Sin suggested I change the name to World War 1, in case I would need to do another version of the project later.
Daddy approved and I executed my project perfectly. This bought me a few idle years to take care of Anger.
I later got married to Technology. Guys, I don’t know where to start describing him from. He’s the most beautiful man you will ever see (emphasis on will 😆). I’ll tell you how we met later.
We had our first child together, Deceit, not so long after the World War 1 project.
I needed time off work again so I told my assistants, Confusion and Misunderstanding to come up with a good idea and they eventually did. We called it World War 2. Shout out to Adolf Hitler. Thanks for your contribution bro.

Older and very experienced now, my job has never been mo……..

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Page 2 drops next week 🙂

Announcement – don’t attack me. This is simply creative writing.

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Google Maps Saved My Life then MTN Unsaved it

So, picture this, you’re somewhere in Lekki Phase One, you don’t know your way around. And by somewhere in Lekki Phase One, I mean you and you alone, not you in a car. You’re feeling good because the reason you’re in this place is really fun and you’re having a good time. Somewhere along the line though, that inner voice is asking if you know how you’ll get back home but you shut it up cos okadas are ever present and one would definitely take you to a familiar place and you’ll go home from there.
All is well. Your mind is at rest and things are going fine.
The time to go home comes and just as you pack your stuff and prepare to leave, one unhappy woman in your village decides it’s time for you to feel bad and does the rain dance. And so, it begins to rain.
You aren’t fazed though. Ordinary rain can’t make you miss the battle between two funky football clubs that would be unleashing their respective pipes in the persons of Fal%@ and Gir%@+ that night. And so you begin to walk aimlessly, because you think you’re smart and can figure the way out.
Quite expected, you miss road and you’re lost. Again, you don’t panic because Google Maps is alive. So you ask madam google maps to show you the way and she does but she tells you you’re gonna have to walk for 40 minutes to the nearest bus stop.
A tear or two roll down your eyes as you know life shouldn’t be so hard. You wipe the tears off and continue walking.
Because it’s a constant in many estates, you believe you will see some okada man that’ll drop you off at your destination but rain made them all go into hiding.
30 minutes into the walk, an okada man stumbles by and you hop on cos you think you’re still far from your destination and the 150 naira he was charging sounded like it was worth it, only for you to watch him slow down and park, literally 20 seconds later.
Again, you no vex.
You get on the bus home and traffic is light, since you left early.
For some reason, that woman from your village feels bad that you’re happy and decides to blow sleeping powder on your face.
Sure enough, you sleep off.
Fast forward few minutes later. You wake up some 20 minutes later, only to see that you’re in a strange place you know not about.
The bus driver tells everyone to ‘bole’ and everyone does including you.
Knowingfullywell you’re lost once more, you don’t panic as Google Maps is with you again.
And so , you open Google Maps…
It’s been loading for 20 minutes straight…
You decide to check other apps just to be sure it’s not a Google Maps problem.
And then, you finally panic. Because you realize MTN is only letting specific things work for you.
BBM no work.
To send text message no work.
To call no work.
To open web pages no work.
Twitter no work.
WhatsApp no work.

But WordPress dey work.
Utorrent dey work.
Instagram dey work.

Apps that can’t help you .

And there and then, you finally panic. You feel hot liquid trickle down your pants, because fear.

Brethren , this is my story.

An hour later though, I got on a bus and I’m in familiar territory.
God bless Nigeria. God punish MTN.

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It’s High time I Join the Beard Gang

Prior to the events of this morning, I wasn’t one to be bothered about growing a beard. Well, to be honest, I wasn’t bothered because I couldn’t grow one. Some of us aren’t privileged to be blessed with much hair facially.
I admire beards though. Some beards look really nice. Unfortunately, for now, I can’t have one.
Due to this forced ‘unbotheredness’ regarding facial hair, whenever the topic of a beard came up, I refrained from such and stayed in my few strands lane.
It was all going fine, until this morning, after service to be precise.
So normally, when I’m ‘merrygoranding’ the roads of Lagos, struggling to keep my sanity because some bus drivers are crazy, avoiding the endlessly recurring potholes, driving defensive because the next driver might not be normal, I always avoid a particular route as police men usually position themselves there and since I have license problems, I prefer to avoid police wahala altogether by passing a different, but longer route.
I got into police trouble one time and I had to part with some money that could better my life  in these days of the naira playing rough with the dollar.
A family friend (Lets call him Qwerty) is staying over at my house and so today, we decided to split the driving stress by agreeing that I’d drive us to church and he would drive back. Not that there’s anything difficult or stressful about driving to and fro but why should you be relaxing while I do all the maneuvering.
On the way to church, as usual, I took the longer route. Qwerty asked why I didn’t take the shorter route and I shamelessly explained to him. He giggled, sigh.
Church was good.
After church, we began to make our way back home with Qwerty behind the wheel. We got to this intersection where I’d normally go right to pass my longer route and left leads to the shorter but riskier route. I noticed that Qwerty was trafficating left and so I told him that were supposed to go right.
That’s when he uttered the sentence that has ignited a burning desire to grow a beard in me

‘My beards’ got me covered’

I believe that one day, brethren, I shall be privileged to utter such a sentence. Please include me in your prayers.
That’s all for now. We shall see, the next time I decide to randomly appear here.
Have an awesome week!

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