My Craziest Week – Part 1

Monday was a good day. It was my first day in a new place so I felt a bit nervous but also curious to see how things would go.
The place turned out to be really nice. Sometimes, I wonder if we’re actually working cos everywhere and everyone is highly jovial. Good for me. Although, now, my workload has quadrupled so I’m having second thoughts.
Monday however, didn’t produce any experience worth sharing. It was a slightly above average day. So was Tuesday 😐
Wednesday on the other hand is easily my worst day ever, my worst experience and my new worst Wednesday ever (story for another day).
On Tuesday night, I ate way too much and I knew I would regret it. The details are lengthy but take this advice; Never ever everrr eat fufu and then take Frosties few minutes after, don’t 😕
Wednesday morning, I woke up with a bad case of diarrhea. On god, that is the worst thing on the face of the earth. Initially, I thought it was nothing serious but I was wrong.
I had just started work so not going that day wasn’t an option.
I got in the car with my mum and slept immediately. Sleeping was the only way my stomach issues could be tamed.
I dreamt in my sleep. Bad dream. I dreamt I was in a car that was moving really fast and I needed to use the toilet, urgently.
As you must have guessed, it wasn’t a dream.
I jerked up, turned to my mum and said, ‘Mummy, there’s a problem. I need to use the toilet. ‘. She told me to kamdan but when i informed her that igbe lon worry the boy, she began to panic. I didn’t have the strength to tell her to calm down since all of it was being used to clench my ass so no accidental discharge occurs. So I asked, ‘What do we do now?’. She didn’t answer. All she did was look dead straight ahead. I didn’t understand at first, and then I saw it……
We had just gotten on 3rd mainland bridge 😱😱😱😱😱
You see, fear is the strongest feeling ever, no jokes. I was ready to be taken to the other side. I didn’t know where to start. My mum advised me to pray but in my mind and God answered by calming me down. And then I slept back.
When we were off 3rd mainland, I woke up and the urgency to blast was higher, stronger, more intense The road was quite free so I didn’t panic. Things went manageable until we got to CMS. Mum’s office wasnt far off and I had concluded that was where I was going to relieve myself.
Unfortunately, some roads were blocked so we were stuck in a stand still. I started to cry, but mild tears. Then my mun made things worse, by telling me to get down and take a cab to my office. I wantsd to curse her but, self control so. So I got off the car and got into a cab.
The road cleared for like two seconds and I smiled :):). Na so we reach one deadly hold up.
You see, at this point, if I had a gun, I might have killed myself cos the blast urges came hard. I was at my tolerance peak.
I began to speak in tongues, no jokes. And speak loud did I. The cab driver asked me if I was alright and I said the most random shit ,
‘Sir, Is this bank owned by the government?’.Clearly flustered and lost, he replied,
‘How I go know?’
I said, ‘Sir, you need to know because its urgent’.
Baba now answered, ‘Wetin dey urgent? You no see say holdup dey?
I began to vibrate violently.
I whispered, ‘Sir, I need to use the toilet’ but he didnt answer. I couldnt take it anymore.
And so I shouted, ‘Sir, I need to use it now; I WANT TO SHIIITTTTT!!!!!😫😫😫😫😫’
My guy was clearly scared, he tried to calm me down cos he thought it was a bearable something but I shut him up and said ‘ See sir, I cannot hold it! ABEG, DO YOU HAVE A NYLON BAG OR A BAG OR SOMETHING, LEMME DO THIS THING HERE’.
His eyes turned blood red. I said , ‘Oga abeg, its serious, Epp me 😥😰’.
I saw a conoil filling station not too far away and I asked the cab driver to meet me there; after I gave him half of the cab fare that is.
I got there and asked one guy that was began to preach the gospel of ‘don’t use our toilet’.
Midway through his speech, I interrupted, ‘oga, if you no answer me, ehhn i swear, I go commot trouser shit for your floor here’. It was a risky move but it worked cos he directed me to the toilet which happened yo be surprisingly usable; not that I care.
Relief is the best feeling on earth uno. When I was done, I got back into the cab, smiling.
The road cleared and that’s when I knew
image

Anyway, that’s how Wednesday went. The day didn’t end there however….
To be continued

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