My Craziest Week – Part 3

I wasted a lot of time on this part because it wasn’t a day worth remembering.
Anyway, Friday was scraps. The early parts of the day went well and I will not be saying anything about it.
So, fast forward to about 10 minutes past 5:00pm.
It was an evening of learning life lessons. Lessons that will be with me till the end of my days.

Number 1 Lesson Learnt: Patience is not good, not advisable and not worth it.

Before you slander me for making such a statement, I shall be telling you of my experience and we would see what you think after.
After work, I realized I would have to be going home with public transport, danfo style to be precise.
Before I proceed, I need you to know that the way my upbringing was set up, I was what you’ll refer to as ‘tush’. Unfortunately, along the line, when push came to shove, when the whole game changed, man had to adapt. And so, I began to take public transport. Started out taking it once in a blue moon but when I realized I had to be moving around more, I took it more often that I’d wished to.
Danfo’s are not comfortable; Danfo’s are not safe; Danfo’s are not enjoyable ; Danfo’s are not fun.
Danfo’s are those yellow and black buses that litter Lagos. Those buses whose drivers despise obeying road rules and also hate using their brains.
When it dawned on me that there was no alternative option, I made my way to the bus stop.
On getting there, I saw a large crowd. The first bus was about stopping and I noticed my fellow Nigerians rushing. I thought life was easy and so I walked majestically to the bus. Long story short, I missed that bus, and the next one, and the next one because I was forming calm guy.
I had spent about 30 minutes, waiting and missing every bus that came by. It got annoying. I was angry. And so I purposed to hustle and struggle to enter the next bus.
Well the next one came and I missed it. This happened about 4 times. The thing was, I couldn’t struggle. It was hard. All the other people were stronger and clearly more experienced than me.
After about an hour and thirty minutes, I finally got into a free bus.
Many sweaty and uncomfortable minutes later, the bus stopped at another bus stop where most people came down.
We, that’s the bus driver, conductor, some random lady with smelly hair and lice cos she didn’t stop scratching 😭 and yours truly spent a good 40 minutes waiting for the bus to get filled for the ride to the next bus stop.
A girl hawking fanta walked past the bus and my eyes caught the chilled, slightly frozen fanta.
Three things I can’t reject: Milo, Dodo and Fanta; importance in that order.
I bought the ‘orangest™’ Fanta and stretched across the bus to comfortably enjoy my drink.

Lesson Number 2: Don’t buy frozen Fanta and think you’ll enjoy it.

Unfortunately, that’s when every single person in Nigeria decided it was time to get in that particular bus.
And so sadly, I couldn’t enjoy Fanta with my legs fully stretched.
Anyway, the bus engine roared to life as I adjusted for the whole Nigeria to get in.
When everyone was in, I took a good look at my Fanta and began to imagine the things I was going to do with her. I could tell she was excited.
Long story short, I opened the Fanta bottle and the whole thing poured all over my hands, shirt, trouser, shoes and in the bus. Instead of me to close the bottle since it was spraying everything around it, I left it open so that it could finish it’s nonsense and let me drink.
Slightly expected, everyone on the bus stared at me cos they probably felt I was being stupid. I didn’t understand how however; not until the bus conductor gave me a nice ‘ABARA’.
What is Abara? You guys know the level 99 slap known as Igbati? Imagine that slap but 10 times hotter across ones back. That’s Abara.
The way my body is set up, a slap or punch on my back makes my lungs pack up, inadvertently triggering an asthma attack. This time however, I saw the light cos the animals Abara was seriously hard. I closed the Fanta at the speed of light and my brain reset.
As I fumbled in my bag, for my inhaler, tissue, handkerchief and anything that could help me clean up the mess I had made and prevent my body from feeling weak from the chest issues, the lady next to me leaned on my shoulder and slept off.
First of all, I could feel all the lice in Africa jumping from her hair, trying to see which if them could jump the furthest on me. Second of all, I couldn’t find my inhaler or handkerchief. And finally, this man, dressed in them Cherubim and Seraphim costumes, sitting on my other side smelled like rotten boiled eggs mixed with dead rats. I couldn’t complain cos his face wasn’t encouraging.
Anyway, I spent the unfortunately long, sweaty, smelly, lice-infested, sticky(thanks to the spilled Fanta) and painfully tiring(chest issues) bus ride crying. Mild tears though cos I wasn’t gonna embarrass myself.
I couldn’t sleep cos of the smell, I couldn’t lean back cos of Wonder Lice Woman, I couldn’t drink my Fanta cos of the bus conductor, and I couldn’t touch my phone cos of my sticky, orange hands.
I got home very late and slept immediately in my clothes.
Messy Messy Day

My Craziest Week – Part 2

Last sentence of Part 1, I said the day didn’t end there. Naturally, I should continue from there, however, I would leave that for the next part.

Today’s part focuses on the events of Thursday 8th January 2015. It was a day I learned a valuable life lesson I intend to live by till the end of my days.

So there’s this lady I noticed around the office since day one. But I didn’t want to try anything cos I wasn’t sure of her position or her age or anything and man can’t risk embarrassment. I won’t go into looks but she radiated this aura of confidence and independence I find really attractive; Miss Independent tings uno.

I was really interested in getting to know this ‘mystery’ lady and so I always forced myself to find something to do in her department just so I would be able to stare, observe, study and if possible hear her speak or hear someone mention her name. My mother would be ashamed if she saw how I lurked around Rib 😩

Two days into my personal FBI investigation, I got Rib’s name, office email, and some other information. Rib cos I have this pain in my side and I’m confident God took one of ribs when Iya Rasheed’s amala knocked me out some weeks back and made this lady.

I wasn’t satisfied; I needed one on one time, a chance to talk smart, present myself as a very mature responsible guy who just appeared in her place of work amongst other things.

My God remains wonderful and He answered my prayer.

On Thursday, I got to work very early, a little over an hour early. The way the office layout is, I have to go past Rib’s cubicle on my way to my department.
After trying to clock in and realising I wasn’t registered on the system yet, I made my way to my department, feeling slightly stupid.

On my way, as I passed by Rib’s cubicle, she called me and I didn’t believe my ears.

I took in a deep breath and walked towards her desk.

‘Hi!’, not Good Morning because the brain was overheating :(, and she said Hello. After about five seconds of awkward silence, she broke it and asked if I could help as she pointed to her laptop screen. I looked at it and I saw that she had problems connecting to the internet.

Small problem. Her LAN cable was out and the WiFi was acting up since the previous day.

This was an opportunity; I wasn’t going to plug the LAN cable in and walk away?? No??

And so I messed around the laptop a bit, checking unnecessary stuff like laptop specs, add and remove device while I initiated light banter with her.

I won’t go into details as some of the things I said took me a decade, some millions of dollars and connections in high places to learn. But in a quick summary, we learnt a good number of stuff about one another. Full name, interests,  we even reached into dreams and aspirations (trust me to drop some fire fake story here). It was all going fine and I was beginning to wonder where I got this slightly impressive; I mean, I’m probably below average in things such as that (Yeah, right :roll:) All this while I messed around the laptop knowing fully well I wasn’t making any progress.
It was all going fine until one of us mentioned age. I asked her to go first and she told me a gentleman doesn’t ask such to which I replied

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When she realized I wasn’t going to say anything until she spoke, she answered,
’26’.

I don’t know how to describe how I felt at that point but I remember telling her I was 25.

Topics to talk about were running out and it was almost 8am so I restarted her laptop and plugged in her LAN cable. The internet came back on and she thanked me.

On my way out, she called me back, took of her glasses and said, ‘Seyi, you know you didn’t have to waste all that time right? I noticed the LAN cable since and I’m sure you did too’.

The confusion was too much and I didn’t know when I said, ‘Sorry MA’

F-Up number 1.

Throughout the rest of the morning, I thought about all that happened earlier and cried internally.

Sometime in the afternoon, the man that was to register me on the system called me to his office. (He’s quite handsome, no homo)

And Rib was there.

I smiled at her and sat. The man told me he needed my details and I asked for a sheet of paper. Then he corrected me and demanded I give him my details verbally.

No wahala. Wowo British accent things.

Name? I answered.
Course of study? I answered.
Phone number? I talk am.
Account details? I gave him.
I turned towards Rib and smiled.
Date of birth? I replied, 21st October.
Then Mr. Man asked the one question I wasn’t expecting and definitely won’t want to answer while Rib was in the room.
Year?
I whispered, ‘Sorry?’
Year?
‘Pahdin?’
‘The year you were born?’
‘Oh!’

Rib was looking at my face.
I began to look around and that’s when I noticed the ring on her left hand. I also noticed the name ‘tag’ on the man’s desk and his last name was the same as Rib’s.

Iyawo ati Oko 😦

I prayed for the world to end.
After dragging for a minute or so, I answered, ’19….’
The man asked me to repeat.
’19…’
‘I can’t hear you Seyi’.
I asked, ‘ Is this the last question?’ And to my delight, he said Yes.
So I finally answered clearly and walked so fast out of his office.

Rib looks at me funny and giggles every single time she sees me ever since then
.
.
.
.
.
‘1995’

My Craziest Week – Part 1

Monday was a good day. It was my first day in a new place so I felt a bit nervous but also curious to see how things would go.
The place turned out to be really nice. Sometimes, I wonder if we’re actually working cos everywhere and everyone is highly jovial. Good for me. Although, now, my workload has quadrupled so I’m having second thoughts.
Monday however, didn’t produce any experience worth sharing. It was a slightly above average day. So was Tuesday 😐
Wednesday on the other hand is easily my worst day ever, my worst experience and my new worst Wednesday ever (story for another day).
On Tuesday night, I ate way too much and I knew I would regret it. The details are lengthy but take this advice; Never ever everrr eat fufu and then take Frosties few minutes after, don’t 😕
Wednesday morning, I woke up with a bad case of diarrhea. On god, that is the worst thing on the face of the earth. Initially, I thought it was nothing serious but I was wrong.
I had just started work so not going that day wasn’t an option.
I got in the car with my mum and slept immediately. Sleeping was the only way my stomach issues could be tamed.
I dreamt in my sleep. Bad dream. I dreamt I was in a car that was moving really fast and I needed to use the toilet, urgently.
As you must have guessed, it wasn’t a dream.
I jerked up, turned to my mum and said, ‘Mummy, there’s a problem. I need to use the toilet. ‘. She told me to kamdan but when i informed her that igbe lon worry the boy, she began to panic. I didn’t have the strength to tell her to calm down since all of it was being used to clench my ass so no accidental discharge occurs. So I asked, ‘What do we do now?’. She didn’t answer. All she did was look dead straight ahead. I didn’t understand at first, and then I saw it……
We had just gotten on 3rd mainland bridge 😱😱😱😱😱
You see, fear is the strongest feeling ever, no jokes. I was ready to be taken to the other side. I didn’t know where to start. My mum advised me to pray but in my mind and God answered by calming me down. And then I slept back.
When we were off 3rd mainland, I woke up and the urgency to blast was higher, stronger, more intense The road was quite free so I didn’t panic. Things went manageable until we got to CMS. Mum’s office wasnt far off and I had concluded that was where I was going to relieve myself.
Unfortunately, some roads were blocked so we were stuck in a stand still. I started to cry, but mild tears. Then my mun made things worse, by telling me to get down and take a cab to my office. I wantsd to curse her but, self control so. So I got off the car and got into a cab.
The road cleared for like two seconds and I smiled :):). Na so we reach one deadly hold up.
You see, at this point, if I had a gun, I might have killed myself cos the blast urges came hard. I was at my tolerance peak.
I began to speak in tongues, no jokes. And speak loud did I. The cab driver asked me if I was alright and I said the most random shit ,
‘Sir, Is this bank owned by the government?’.Clearly flustered and lost, he replied,
‘How I go know?’
I said, ‘Sir, you need to know because its urgent’.
Baba now answered, ‘Wetin dey urgent? You no see say holdup dey?
I began to vibrate violently.
I whispered, ‘Sir, I need to use the toilet’ but he didnt answer. I couldnt take it anymore.
And so I shouted, ‘Sir, I need to use it now; I WANT TO SHIIITTTTT!!!!!😫😫😫😫😫’
My guy was clearly scared, he tried to calm me down cos he thought it was a bearable something but I shut him up and said ‘ See sir, I cannot hold it! ABEG, DO YOU HAVE A NYLON BAG OR A BAG OR SOMETHING, LEMME DO THIS THING HERE’.
His eyes turned blood red. I said , ‘Oga abeg, its serious, Epp me 😥😰’.
I saw a conoil filling station not too far away and I asked the cab driver to meet me there; after I gave him half of the cab fare that is.
I got there and asked one guy that was began to preach the gospel of ‘don’t use our toilet’.
Midway through his speech, I interrupted, ‘oga, if you no answer me, ehhn i swear, I go commot trouser shit for your floor here’. It was a risky move but it worked cos he directed me to the toilet which happened yo be surprisingly usable; not that I care.
Relief is the best feeling on earth uno. When I was done, I got back into the cab, smiling.
The road cleared and that’s when I knew
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Anyway, that’s how Wednesday went. The day didn’t end there however….
To be continued

I Come Bearing Good News

Second post today :'(. Second time this year. I’m hoping this doesn’t become a trend. This time however, I will be greeting you guys and I will be making an announcement. Know that greeting you is just so you don’t think I’m mannerless.
So how are you guys doing this afterning™ (so many trademarks recently 🙂 I just learned how to use it so kamdan and relax ya body)? Tired? annoyed? Because Monday? Me I’m on the fence.
Regarding the announcement I said I was going to make, here goes.

I want to apologize to each and everyone of you. Reason being, I updated this blog 5 times last week but none of you got to read them.

Pause, before you call me a liar. All those posts were in my mind. Fatigue plus small laziness didn’t make me. And so, to make it up to those of you that care what I post here, I shall be dropping those posts this week. Three of them; there should be four but let’s see how things go first. Good news yeah? No? Dont care? Whatever your reaction, this is my response

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(Can we take a moment to appreciate my fro and pink lips 😌 plus, Beard Gang 😎 )
Sigh, I wonder why God bestowed so much greatness on me.

So there you have it, today’s second post. RIP to your hopes of me attaching a story to this post 👻.  A greeting and an annnouncent take a heavy toll on the body uno.

Till next time guys. Issalova, dun cry dun beg 😚

Best Service Ever

Instead of beginning by greeting you, my readers, I will delve straight into the ramblings of today because I’m too excited.
Yesterday was a very bittersweet; or sweet-bitter™ since the bitter part came at the end of the day.
The day started off as every other Sunday does at home; wake up early, struggle through the regular morning activities, try my best to avoid my sister so she doesn’t make me take pictures of her (pictures I never get photocred for and can’t seem to ever complain; lightskins have supernatural powers uno) etc. This Sunday however, the running away from my sister part wasn’t included cos she returned to school the previous weekend.
Permit me to deviate. It’s been a tough week. You see, I haven’t lifted a finger to cook since summer. My sister was really nice this Christmas break and she handled every foodical™ need of mine. So of course, it been tough to take care of those needs now that she’s not around. On Saturday, I woke up, expecting to be ordered to handle some annoying chores before getting fed; but this particular morning, no show. Worst Saturday ever.
Deviation complete.
Where was I? Sunday morning.
We got to church about 5 minutes late. Praise and worship was nice; I expected a routine Sunday. Little did I know a good laugh was looming, few minutes and 1 seat in front of me.
After the praise and worship, we were asked to take our seats and the sermon began. It was a packed and lively one. At the end of the sermon, after one or two announcements, the choir got on the stage and began to perform.
Seconds into their performance, a little boy, 4 years old I guess, was acting restless and made a lot of noise. The noise was really irritating but no one complained cos these little children are hard to quiet plus, heritage of God, so.
Trying to balance the choirs song and Mr. Mans noise was a really tasking something. I kept checking the time hoping service would end so I’d get out but time seemed to go slower than usual.
The little boy also appeared to know he was making noise and disturbing cos he smiled and looked at each and every one of us that were around him, myself included. I said a quick prayer to God that He ‘handles’ this boy for me.
God answers prayers and He answered mine, and we were in His house so the answer came really fast in the most unexpected way ever.
The boys mother must have gotten really irritated too. I’m guessing she has anger issues cos the way she slapped her son, I was scared he was dead.
Yes, The answer to my prayer came in a very hot slap. Igbati buruku! I’ve never seen someone strike a child that hard. The slap had was more intense than my wishes for Joffrey Baratheon to die a terrible death; and that was a really intense wish 😶
I didn’t want to laugh uno, because house of God, plus meanness to children, but when little boy looked around again and hoped for someone to say sorry, I laughed senseless. People looked my way but I couldn’t stop laughing. Then the boy looked at my face and I stuck my tongue out and continued to laugh even harder. The whole thing got even funnier when his mum knocked him so he’d shut up with his crying. Funniest 20 minutes of my life. Easily the best Sunday service ever.
The eyes on me increased and most of them looked judgy. I guess I was supposed to feel bad but I didn’t.
Anyway, that’s how Sunday morning went. I spent the afternoon watching Modern Family while I waited for Barcelona’s match against Ath. Madrid later that night. Expectations were shaky uno.
The day was so so so so slow. The match was the last kickoff that day and it made waiting harder. However, the rest I enjoyed was beautiful.
If 2015 holds laughs such as this, it’s clear it’s going to be an awesome year.
8:30pm; I was setting up everything I needed to stream the match. The time of the match finally came and it started. |FCB -ATM |0 – 0| 2:13 |
Last thing I saw on Sunday.
Missed the match.
And that’s how my day went from sweet to bitter 😭😭
Barcelona won though ;);)