Ali and Simbi

Hey Guys!

I hope everyone is alright!

I agree that I vamoose quite often; recently actually; with my woeful inconsistency in this art. I apologize and promise to try as much as possible not to be found guilty of nonchalance again. If I were to give a reason for my absence, I won’t. It’s really deep and as bold as Shovel is at the top of this page, I do not intend to dig into anything. *ba dum tis*

Anyway, for me to come out of this really deep hole of a reason, you can suspect that I have decent stuff to share. Enjoy!

I actually first heard about this kind of thing a few years back but I felt it was a joke. Not until I heard of a similar occurrence this past week. If you live in Lagos or have heard tales at some point in the past 5 years, you must have heard about ‘touch and follow’. Touch and follow is basically as the name implies. Individual A touches Individual B and Individual B follows Individual A and obeys all of Individual A’s commands. A friend told me that one of our mutual friends was a victim of Touch and Follow.

A story would best describe the whole scenario:

Two friends, Ali and Simbi. Ali and Simbi are very close friends. (Ali and Simbi are boys. Many of the books I read growing up had these names as the main characters. Ignore the femininity of the name Simbi and accept that Simbi is male here. Writer’s choice).  They’ve always been classmates since Jss1. Even now, they both study the same programme in University. Simbi was a chronic borrower. Mans parents were filthy rich but Simbi enjoyed borrowing. He always had money but he simply enjoyed borrowing. What made this hobby awkward was that he always paid his debts with interest.

As expected, Simbi was owing Ali 14000 naira and the due date to return the money was in two weeks time. Unfortunately and fortunately, Ali got this business opportunity and had to deposit 50000 naira before the end of the week. Things happened and Ali didn’t have that amount on him so he pestered Simbi to try his best to pay before the due date.

Simbi couldn’t; and didn’t.

The next week came and Ali had missed out on the business opportunity. He was hurt bad and this made his angry with Simbi. Boys can be funny at times so I wasn’t surprised when Simbi too claimed he was angry with Ali for reasons the gods will slap Simbi for. Anyway, nothing can come between boys so they still chilled together. There was still pain in Ali’s heart though.

After one of said chilling, they both went to Simbi’s house. When Ali left, he realized he forgot his iPad at Simbi’s house and so he called and told Simbi to bring it along when he came the next day.

The next day, Simbi left for Ali’s house around 11am. No ride, so bus. On his way there, Simbi was approached by a stranger who told him he didn’t know his way and wanted directions. As a nice young man, Simbi gladly explained to the stranger how to get to wherever it was he needed directions to. And then the stranger touched him on the shoulder……….


An hour later…

Simbi is at Ali’s house, explaining how he didn’t know why but he found his legs leading him back to his house, gathering his mum’s jewelry along with all the phones and gadgets in the house; Ali’s iPad inclusive and giving all the items to a total stranger. Not sure whether to sympathize with Simbi or to take advantage of the situation and rant about the iPad as well as the money Simbi hadn’t paid, Ali called me. He recounted the story as Simbi had presented it to him and asked me for my opinion.

I cut the call and didn’t pick till the next day.

This Lagos is a funny place. We really have to be careful and it’s important to pray for God’s protection in all we do. JUJU IS REAL!

It’s both sad and funny at the same time. If you were Ali, what would you do?



Cheers | Beans


One Less Problem Without You

The problem with the world today is quite obvious. However, we, well the guys in charge try their best to avoid the topic. This thing they do is called denial. We cannot fault them though. This is because the brain has a primitive ego defense mechanism that negates all realities that produce too much stress for the brain to handle. It’s called denial.  Patience; don’t close this page just yet. Now denial is a critical part of the human coping mechanism. Without it, we would all wake up terrified every morning thinking about all the ways we could die. It’s not this boring all through. Instead, our minds block out our existential fears by focusing on stresses we can handle – like getting to work early or paying our taxes. If we have wider, existential fears, we jettison them quickly, refocusing on simple tasks and daily trivialities. Basically, instead of facing the problem head on, we tell ourselves were ‘schlepp’; whatever that means.

I lost two, three or four people with that opening paragraph. Be not deceived as the past few words you just read are not from my brilliant mind but is an extract from DB’s Inferno (loved the book). I just practiced denial; shying away from the truth or my main point.

As was stated earlier, the world doesn’t want to handle the real problem it faces. Unlike a good number of earthlings, I am a man of action, and as such, I shall be facing this problem head on.

Different problems spring up every day; from terrorist attacks, to rape, to global warming, to economic meltdowns, to the Naira drastically weakening against the dollar rather embarrassingly and preventing some Nigerians from going to ‘Abroad’ or ‘Overseas’ as we say for Christmas (‘To’ preceding Abroad included purposely). Haha, stay in your motherland brethren. But none of these can be compared to the evil we choose to ignore.

Before I reveal this evil, I’ll first confess that I’m hoping this post wins me a Nobel Prize for Peace, like ma girl Malala. Sucks to know my mate has one and I’m here, trying to relate what she said, ‘You can shoot me but you can’t shoot my dreams’, to the opening skit on MI’s Chairman album. Pot of beans life I tell you.

This tremendous problem the world chooses to ignore is something, well someone actually, a good number of us have come across at some point in our lives –  In our offices, at home, on the bus ride home, in traffic, at school, the airport, and most especially, the toilet. Yep.

This two legged, four letter word named bastard is ODUS.

Yep. You hate him, I hate him, and we all hate him. No really, we do




Think it’s just me?.

I hate Odus’ guts. Just to clarify, he is that annoying god-forsaken bird or owl or whatever in that equally annoying ‘Candy Crush’ game. Recall what I said about this being a major problem? I meant every word.

Whether we agree or not, Odus is the real problem with the world. I started playing Candy Crush way back, but after I lost my iPad, I stopped briefly. A spirit entered me and I got the game on my phone and my e-book reader. This seemed like an awesome idea and solution to tackle the unimaginable boredom I was facing at the time.

One afternoon, I began playing the game and I couldn’t stop. Right until I got to level 25. Yep, I remember the dreaded level 25. No jokes, I spent 2 weeks on that level. When I finally passed it, I felt really smart and proceeded to brag about it to a few colleagues; got my heart broken cos most of them had reached levels I didn’t know existed. Talk about level 94, level 312, the hell?

I’m not easily intimidated, and so I went back to my game and continued playing. At level 46, I ‘lifed-out’ so I began to explore different areas of the game; like scroll up all the way to see if it ended and the likes. That’s when I noticed Lord Odus at the top right corner of the screen. I clicked on the bastard’s cute passport photograph and he pulled a screen over my screen and revealed another set of Candy Crush levels. Proceeded to play them but a message, prompting me to reach level 50 first appeared. As expected, I breezed past levels 47 through 50.

The first time I played the Odus levels, ahhhhhh, too beautiful. I was too happy. My expectations were sky-high. After putting the sound back on just so I’d enjoy the level fully, I began to play; skipped the tutorial.

4 moves in, this message popped up ==  Odus fell down; x Get 720 points ==

I’ll leave the part where I got angry and asked the universe how bad I was to not get 720 points. It was much later I realized I had to make sure Odus was balanced on this moon shaped beam. This is really annoying you know. Okay, on to the major and important part of this whole thing. Bullet points are very explanatory, so

· For god’s sake, who thinks so hard about the colors before they match them in Candy Crush?

· Why does Odus exist?

· Whose Idea was it to create an entire section for this stupid owl?

· Why is Odus purple?

· Why does he hop up and down for a few seconds, make me think he’s alright, then fall off right when I look away?

In summary, Odus is a bastard. And in all honesty, he is the reason for majority, if not all the world’s problems. The next paragraph explains why.

Imagine everyone who plays Candy Crush like me reaches level 50 and unlocks the Lord Odus levels. This invariably infuriates say 95% of the world’s population. 95% because the 38.416% that play the game and definitely get angered by Odus’ recklessness transfer aggression to the………the………….ughhh do the math… % of the rest of the world’s population.

Odus is the problem people. He is the reason people fight. He is the reason that lecturer is always angry. He is the reason the naira steady weakens cos the guys in charge are too angry to do anything about it. He is the reason NEPA enjoys not doing their job. He is the reason young adults drift into twitter and talk about the craziest and sometimes outright dumb stuff. He is the reason for all your frustrations. He is the real problem; try not to blame the devil a lot, blame Odus. He is the reason 2014 seemed to breeze pass. He is the reason Liverpool is going through problems and Sterling’s haircut. He is the reason for everything bad basically.  I could list a million and one reason why Odus must die but then, he would be the reason I would have wasted useful hours of my life.

In one equation, Candy Crush = Odus = Frustration = Life’s problems.

I hope you guys enjoyed this rather unusual topic. My sincere apologies for my unexplainable lengthy absence. I’ll try to prevent that in the future. I’m expecting my Nobel Prize soon; got my speech ready.

#StopODUSIn 2015 #MalalaDidItICanDoIt #ShovelForNobelPrize