Why Toilets Should be Noisy

Silent toilets should be banned. There should be a really loud source of noise in every toilet; like a really loud fan, or better still a generator.
Relax, let me explain.
I woke up this morning with a bad case of diarrhoea. Not sure if it’s something I ate, but that’s the least of my problems.
Not exaggerating, as at 9am, I had been on the toilet seat for up to 2 hours since I got out of bed. For whosoever is thinking ‘Ewww’ ‘Uggghh’ or whatever silly sounds people associate with disgust, may God seize the gift of taking a dump from you briefly. Maybe then, you’ll understand how important it is.
Of course, sitting on the toilet seat and making funny sounds with my mouth and ass wasn’t a problem in the comfort of my home. Afterall, I’m the only one that could enjoy the really good beat ass was dropping.
On to the main point, I went to church like that. Diarrhoea or not, going to church is not debatable as long as I live with my parents.
One quick thing, if you’re easily disgusted, you’re better off closing your browser right now. Yep, shit is about to get real, no pun intended.
We got to church late today, so we had to wait for the next service. My stomach began to sing songs so I rushed to the toilet.
You know this thing when poop is about to drop and you’re fumbling with your belt and underwear then the shit begins to drop even before you’re comfortably seated on the toilet? Happened to me. Fortunately, I didn’t stain anything cos uno, I’m a pro in this shit, no pun intended. (Have i mentioned it, I’m in love with puns now; but that’s none of your business)
Brethren, I’m like really into what I’m doing. I didn’t hold back. I let the shit flow with reckless abandon.
Got down to business and the thing flowed incessantly for two minutes straight.
That’s how right in the middle of this really painful release, I hear someone going into the stall beside mine. Guessed he wanted to poo too cos I heard him drop the toilet seat. Mans still busy releasing poop and it was making funny sounds. All of a sudden, the man in the next stall began to laugh and I heard him say ‘Mo lati ri eni to n yagbe bayi’ Translation – I have to lay my eyes on the individual that is recklessly passing faeces withholding nothing. No lie, that was the scariest thing I’ve heard in my life cos I hate embarrassment.
Thought of running out and getting out of there so I don’t cast but my ass and stomach weren’t done making out with the toilet. So yeah, I had to wait. I’m a wise man so don’t be surprised to know that a great idea came to mind.
This is what I did – I flushed the toilet while I was still sitting, made some noise with my belt buckle, opened the toilet door and slammed it shut. I prayed this man would believe I had left. But naah, my ass snitched. The idiot made this really nasty sound while another stream of hot shit flowed. The man laughed again. I was panicking. And then another idea crossed my mind.
(Yall know what ass clenching is? That’s your assignment) Man, I became fully concentrated on what I was doing. Had to skillfully gauge my ass clenching pressure cos I didn’t want make any sounds. It’s a herculean task, be not deceived. As I clenched and released, clenched and released, and so on, my asshole hurt cos it was trying to remain wide open for the shit to flow. My plan was working though. The sounds reduced significantly. Yup, I smiled.
I heard the man flush and leave so I released my ass hole and immediately, the fastest, noisest and most disgusting spray of shit literally flew out my ass.
No shit, about 3 men laughed. No need to tell you guys about how I shamefully left the place.
So yeah, this is why public toilets shouldn’t be quiet. Judge me if you want, but as I said, it’s all fun and games till you can’t blast for a full month. Have a nice day.

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3 thoughts on “Why Toilets Should be Noisy

  1. OMG! Lawdhuvmurrrcy! Here I am, reading a piece on shit that’s actually not a piece of shit. Sorry, I just couldn’t resist! Hehehe! I’m in a bus and laughing like cray!

    Like

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