Revenge, Karma, Whatever

Permit me to skip the part where I act like I’m interested in how you are doing and tell you how I’m doing. Today’s story straight out the Life of Shovel is one I want to jump right into.

First things first, if you ever went to a ‘standard’ Nigerian boarding school, surely you know the evils of that place; suffering, struggle, wickedness, ‘slying’, bullying and all.

You see, in Secondary school, junior school to be precise; I was a bad sharp guy; that’s what I thought. I hated many of my seniors; everyone hates seniors anyway. There was this one beast that I hated the most. I’ll call him O for security reasons. Screw this, his name was Osarume. I don’t care if you see this. Nigga I hate you so much. Words can’t describe how much I hate you.

Osarume was a tyrant (Feels so good to say his name without addressing him as ‘Senior’).  This guy was more evil than the devil. He derived joy and pleasure in inflicting pain and watching others suffer. It was obvious I hated him so he always made sure I never smiled while he was around. Mind you, this particular guy wasn’t your average bully. But this story isn’t about Osarume; there are many other idiots in this life, and one of them is the main character on this episode of ‘Life of Shovel’.

On this episode of Life of Shovel, we witness yours truly reap the fruit of his labor. This particular story features one great and powerful frog. I don’t want to say his name cos it isn’t worth typing. I’ll make this brief cos I have other stuff to do.

This particular guy was a very funny and disturbed bully. He was two years ahead of me and he was the dirtiest thing alive so I always found it funny when he tried it be wicked. But we all know how this life works; small power and mans head go swell.

This guy’s art of wickedness was not bad. I respected him cos his wickedness had nice traces of creativity. Nigga always made sure he did things differently. The details aren’t necessary as they are not the main point of this story.

Story Story Blah Blah Blah, I changed schools and so I was free from this guy. Few years later, I jammed him in University. The first day he saw me, he offered me a handshake which I gladly accepted cos uno, keep your friends close but your enemies closer. Over time, I bumped into him more and we always exchanged a handshake, fist bump, or thumbs up.

I like it when people think they know when they really don’t know; or when people think they are friends when in truth, they are managing to be acquaintances.

I got tired of pretending to be more mature now. Acting like I had forgiven and forgotten everything this bobo had done to me got boring cos I didn’t. I still hated him. For god’s sake, I saw the scar from one time nigga stabbed my arm. Plus he lashed me on my back a few times; I don’t like getting lashed on my back K

We know how God can be at times. When he knows we want something for the wrong reasons, he doesn’t give us. I always hoped that one day; Mr. Almost-As-Evil-As-Osarume would need me.

Sort of contradictory, God never disappoints too.  One day like this, I went to eat in one cuisine like that. It wasn’t a buka; just saying.

Dodo is the best thing to eat with your Jollof rice. I was on the final piece of Dodo when out of nowhere; someone tapped me on my shoulder and said Hi. Yup, you must have guessed it, it was our guy. I said Hello and shook his outstretched arm. After the fake exchange of greetings, my guy said he needed 150 naira and that he wasn’t with enough money and he couldn’t pay the full amount on his bill.

Is Jehovah Jireh not too wonderful?

I didn’t waste time. Speed of Flash and Zoom, the ‘No’ was sharp and loud. It was too obvious that it was a fake No. But uno na, one day bush meat go catch the hunter; one day, the hunter will be hunted, every day for the thief, one day for the owner. Today I was the hunter; I was the owner. His father.

He begged me to give him whatever I had cos he had already eaten. I said No even louder. When it was obvious I wasn’t gonna help him, he left and got back on his table. Head in his hands, clearly confused, he began to shake.

The heart of man can be wicked people. When I was done with my food, I got up, went to the counter, bought two cartons of Five Alive and began to walk towards the entrance/exit of the cuisine.

On the way out I stopped at bad man’s table and placed one of the cartons in front of him. He looked up, obviously disgusted and annoyed and watched me walk out (although awkwardly) like a boss.

Five alive was 250 bucks…but…

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Diseases, Pa James and B14

Supreme Overlord Az-Rah-Uuh (the ‘Rah’ is silent) of the ‘See-to-it-that Depression-is Everlasting ‘ Clan, SDC for short (forced the E to be C but hey), is easily the greatest leader the brotherhood has ever had. Since the beginning of his term slightly over a year ago, the great Overlord has never for once failed in causing pain, infusing anger and imposing an aura of pain and frustration upon the inhabitants, although temporary, of a mini-city known as Hebron.

On this episode of ‘Overlord Az-Rah-Uuh’, the protagonist, who somehow happens to be the antagonist blah blah blah……

Can we all agree that I was going into a boring and really-depressingly wack story?

Check This –

Smh, Africa though; we’re getting there.
My mind is all over the place. You know when you know you have a lot to do and you’re so frustrated you just sit or lay down and do not one of the many slightly important things you have to do? It’s a not-so-good thing.

What to say, what to say? I have nothing in particular so I’ll just say something about a random topic off my head.

Ebola.

Lol. I find it funny in a way. Why? Cos Nigerians believe almost anything anybody says about it. Forget the jokes about bathing with salt water, or the false truth about contacting the thing by random stuff like shaking an infected patient or touching one. I know for a fact that it’s a fluid, inside the body kind of thing. I don’t know how to explain that; Google exists for a reason.

So what do I have to say about Ebola? To me, it’s a very hilarious something, sort of; not that I want to contact it or anything though.

Have you ever imagined what would happen if by mistake you had the thing? I know some of you, especially the highly spiritual are thinking, ‘naah, negative confessions’ or ‘angels are listening’. If you’re not comfortable with picturing this scenario, you see that ‘x’ beside this tab? Click on it, drop your laptop, tab or phone, locate the nearest knife, and stab your upper lip.

So yeah, what would you do if for some reason you contacted the virus? As far as I’m concerned, an infected somebody has exactly 7 days to live. Forget what the experts told you about how long it takes the thing to kill. Life is much easier if you assume that thing to be 7 days. Meaning, if you contacted it tonight, start planning with next Tuesday in mind.

If for some reason I had that thing, I won’t even waste time, it’s an easy thing. The only thing I’d do is visit all my enemies, stick a finger in my mouth and rub the saliva on their lips. Creative right ? 🙂

That’s all I have to say about the disease. What would you do?

Lemme sign out by telling you guys about this Papa Ajasco episode I really enjoyed.

If you ever watched it, surely you remember Pa James. Well on this episode, robbers decided to visit our beloved Pa James. We all know Pa James wasn’t the brightest and obviously didn’t have a ‘deep pocket’. These robbers were wise and well informed. Instead of a good ‘ol pistol that they can use to intimidate Baba, they came with a syringe –

Boss Robber : Give us all your money, or else

Pa James: Or else what?

Boss Robber: Or else we will inject you with this blood that is laced with AIDS..

 

I need not tell you what the Great Pa James opted for. Have a nice weekend

It’s Gonna be a Deadly Semester

Lmaoo Gauge

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Not everyone might be able to relate to this; lemme just put it out there. Doesn’t mean I won’t continue.

I’m back in school. It’s a bitter-sweet feeling. About the topic, no jokes, these times are gonna be deadly. So this is what happened. One of the guys in management woke up one morning and felt, ‘Hmmm, how about we arrange these students randomly’, then he told his colleagues and they felt, ‘WOW! Great idea!’

Let me explain. Normally, regarding residence/residency/whatever it’s supposed to be, we’re arranged according to our courses. For example, the guys studying ‘History’ occupy a floor or two depending on how many they might be. That way, everyone gets to be roommates with their course mates. I’ve been here for how long, two years in real sense and that method has been working fine. Never complained or saw anything wrong with it.

So you can imagine how confuuussssee I was when I got to school and found out my course mates were scattered all over the hall I’m in.

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Oh well, most of us are Nigerians, adapting is one of our strengths. We complain, but in the end, life goes on. So far, nothing has to do with this being a deadly semester so lemme swerve to the main point.

As I said, the ‘wonderful’ people (in truth I suspect one particular guy but *lips sealed*) in management decided to shuffle us. Now, you see someone in Chemical Engineering with someone in Mass Communication. I guess this kind of thing is normal in some places, but not here, so if you’re thinking, ‘What is this one saying’

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Anyway, the shuffling was so so random. Some people got really cool guys as roommates. Some unfortunate others got really terrible people. I know someone whose roommate didn’t let him borrow his iron; the next few months will be hell. Smh, a stingy roommate.

As for me, I dodged the bullet. You didn’t think I would come here to write about this thing without bragging about how I got a good roommate.  The only problem with him is that he is a Chelsea fan, but a wise Chelsea fan; Hallelujah! So no friction. I’m so happy. I didn’t get a fat roommate. It is what it is; fat people are hard to live with. I didn’t get a  dirty roommate. And above all, I didn’t get a roommate with ‘rules’.

Oh well, as for those of you that got exactly what you didn’t want

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So me I’m waiting, cos I know they’re gonna put some enemies together. The fights, the arguments, I can’t wait. The next few months are gonna be DEADLY!

Why Toilets Should be Noisy

Silent toilets should be banned. There should be a really loud source of noise in every toilet; like a really loud fan, or better still a generator.
Relax, let me explain.
I woke up this morning with a bad case of diarrhoea. Not sure if it’s something I ate, but that’s the least of my problems.
Not exaggerating, as at 9am, I had been on the toilet seat for up to 2 hours since I got out of bed. For whosoever is thinking ‘Ewww’ ‘Uggghh’ or whatever silly sounds people associate with disgust, may God seize the gift of taking a dump from you briefly. Maybe then, you’ll understand how important it is.
Of course, sitting on the toilet seat and making funny sounds with my mouth and ass wasn’t a problem in the comfort of my home. Afterall, I’m the only one that could enjoy the really good beat ass was dropping.
On to the main point, I went to church like that. Diarrhoea or not, going to church is not debatable as long as I live with my parents.
One quick thing, if you’re easily disgusted, you’re better off closing your browser right now. Yep, shit is about to get real, no pun intended.
We got to church late today, so we had to wait for the next service. My stomach began to sing songs so I rushed to the toilet.
You know this thing when poop is about to drop and you’re fumbling with your belt and underwear then the shit begins to drop even before you’re comfortably seated on the toilet? Happened to me. Fortunately, I didn’t stain anything cos uno, I’m a pro in this shit, no pun intended. (Have i mentioned it, I’m in love with puns now; but that’s none of your business)
Brethren, I’m like really into what I’m doing. I didn’t hold back. I let the shit flow with reckless abandon.
Got down to business and the thing flowed incessantly for two minutes straight.
That’s how right in the middle of this really painful release, I hear someone going into the stall beside mine. Guessed he wanted to poo too cos I heard him drop the toilet seat. Mans still busy releasing poop and it was making funny sounds. All of a sudden, the man in the next stall began to laugh and I heard him say ‘Mo lati ri eni to n yagbe bayi’ Translation – I have to lay my eyes on the individual that is recklessly passing faeces withholding nothing. No lie, that was the scariest thing I’ve heard in my life cos I hate embarrassment.
Thought of running out and getting out of there so I don’t cast but my ass and stomach weren’t done making out with the toilet. So yeah, I had to wait. I’m a wise man so don’t be surprised to know that a great idea came to mind.
This is what I did – I flushed the toilet while I was still sitting, made some noise with my belt buckle, opened the toilet door and slammed it shut. I prayed this man would believe I had left. But naah, my ass snitched. The idiot made this really nasty sound while another stream of hot shit flowed. The man laughed again. I was panicking. And then another idea crossed my mind.
(Yall know what ass clenching is? That’s your assignment) Man, I became fully concentrated on what I was doing. Had to skillfully gauge my ass clenching pressure cos I didn’t want make any sounds. It’s a herculean task, be not deceived. As I clenched and released, clenched and released, and so on, my asshole hurt cos it was trying to remain wide open for the shit to flow. My plan was working though. The sounds reduced significantly. Yup, I smiled.
I heard the man flush and leave so I released my ass hole and immediately, the fastest, noisest and most disgusting spray of shit literally flew out my ass.
No shit, about 3 men laughed. No need to tell you guys about how I shamefully left the place.
So yeah, this is why public toilets shouldn’t be quiet. Judge me if you want, but as I said, it’s all fun and games till you can’t blast for a full month. Have a nice day.

That Careless Moment

My Topic game is weak. Smh

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Some moments are evil. Surely, I’ve experienced so many; from an embarrassing moment to an awkward moment. I’m feeling really good right now so lemme share one with you.

Many years ago, I made my Dad really happy so he took me to Mr. Biggs. Every Nigerian knows Mr. Biggs is the realest. All these wannabe fast food joints can never be like Mr. Biggs brethren. They’ve been there for us since day one. If you’ve not eaten a Mr. Biggs meat pie, you don’t deserve the air in your lungs; but that’s by the way. When we got there, Dad gave me his wallet and told me to get whatever I want. I’m a very Yoruba boy so my Yoruba senses were tingling and I knew this man was going to beat the melanin out of my dark skin if I mistakenly attempted to over-spend, yes attempted. Before I go on, lemme inform you that my family is a cool one. Once in a while, we play pranks on one another. Like this one time when I lied to my parents that there was a fire and these people rushed home only to see that I was joking. I don’t need to tell you that my once black buttocks magically turned orange when the were done with me.

Back to the story. As I bounced into this Mr. Biggs outlet, I had calculated everything I was going to buy – 2 meat pies, 1 scotch egg,  1 doughnut, 1 7up, and of course that their funny hot-dog I personally enjoy that has onions in it. I got to the counter and ordered everything I wanted. The lady at the counter was slower than Turbo before he got his powers. After a full two minutes, the lady machined my bill and told me everything cost, let’s say 1000 Naira cos I can’t exactly remember the price. In my mind, I’m thinking, ‘Mstcheww, small money. Seyi you are not seizing this opportunity’ but hey, the stomach decides right. I dramatically open Dad’s wallet cos it’s not everyday a little boy has his own wallet with money in it…….. Guess?!?!?!?!?!

Only 200 Naira fam, just 200 Naira. I didn’t believe it so I checked all the compartment, holes, checked everything check-able but naah, it’s just the 200 naira that’s there. The cashier told me to hurry up cos I was holding the line. I didn’t want to go to the car and ask Dad why there’s just 200 Naira in his wallet cos I know he can decide we should just go home, so I boned up and asked the lady to return everything except 1 meat pie and the scotch egg. Careless moment number 1. 

Funny how you think this is the moment I want to share with you. Careless moment number 2. 

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I was pissed, angry, disappointed, vexed, displeased, irate, irritated, cross, piqued, outraged, offended, heated, exasperated, I was multiple shades of angry. So I paid for my meat pie and scotch egg and angrily made my way out to the car park. I was already mumbling all sorts and rehearsing how I was going to throw a fit of anger at Dad; obviously it had to be PG cos I didn’t want no ass-whooping. Dad drove a black Honda Accord at the time. I loved the car cos the new car smell never left it.

That’s how I made my way to his car, opened the door, sat down and began to shout as I fondled with the meat pie pack. After about a minute of ranting, Dad didn’t say anything so I looked up to see why. Careless moment number 3.

Sigh. Guess again?! 100000 to whoever gets it right.

Hmmm… How about I do something really crazy here and ask you guys to keep guessing until I reveal in the next post? Naah. Or yeah, that’s what I’m gonna do. So there you have it, today’s 2nd post cos I felt like it. Have a great 2nd half of the week. School soon, again.

Don’t forget to tell me what you think happened. 3 guesses tops per person. Winner gets 100000! And I’m dead serious 😐

Lemme just drop this on my way out 🙂

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