Why Twitter is the Devil’s Weapon

Children of God, May the devil and his agents never play ping pong with your lives. Say amen.
I need to fast and pray. And I need to do so NOW. Something is definitely wrong somewhere. I cannot understand why unfortunate events must occur with me as the star of the show.
My story began when I decided to get out of the house and do something tangible with my life. African mothers carry no man or woman for nine moths so that they will come out and be lazy. Therefore, I found my way to a family friend’s office to learn some skills. Office work is not much fun especially if you’re not getting paid and so you can imagine the joy in my heart when it’s time to leave. I left rather early because nothing worthwhile was happening. 1300 in my pocket because there was no reason to spend much. Left hand in my pocket, right hand just dilly dallying, I set forth on a journey to the bus stop.
Recently, everytime I go out of the house, or come in contact with non-family, nothing good happens. So you can be sure that I wasn’t suprised when it began to rain. I did not want to smell like wet clothes so walking in the rain wasn’t an option. That’s how one of the devil’s people fired an idea that turned out to be wretched into my yoruba head.
I saw this restaurant. Okay that’s a lie. It was a ‘food place’. Okay that’s another partial lie. It was a ‘Buka’. Or ‘Mama Put’. But it was a tush ‘Buka’. I have some standards.
I entered this ‘Buka’ for shelter people. The rain didn’t look like it was going to stop anytime soon and so I took a seat in the ‘Buka’.
This is where the devil used that thing called ‘Twitter’ to attack me. I opened Twitter; time had to be used up. Two tweets down, I started seeing tweets about Ewa Agoyin. Every normal human being knows Ewa Agoyin is the wife of the Great Ruler of the Food Kingdom, Dodo. I had to get in on the topic so I began retweeting anything Ewa G related. Next thing, I started to smell Ewa G. I thought I was imagining it initially but I shit you not, the smell tapped my head and told me to turn around.
Behold, see Ewa G. Hot Ewa G. Steaming Ewa G with one very red stew. People of the Most High, Body no be firewood na. This was temptation at its highest. Potiphar’s wife’s temptation game was not second or third to this. As I said, body no be firewood so be not amazed to know that I stood up and found my way to the table where the Ewa was being sold.
Okay. Everything that follows was written in complete pain and agony. (But first of all, where is this Agoyin place?)
When I got to the table, I waited in line till it was my turn. It was a very short line. I’m guessing that was because it wasn’t lunch time for most people or something. Anyway, when it was my turn, or when the thing knack me, as some people say, I told this Yoruba woman to give me Ewa G. Mind you, this was not my first time at a Mama Put joint so I knew the whole food purchasing procedure. Everyone was speaking Yoruba and so I felt I had to. So in Yoruba, I told this woman to serve me Ewa Agoyin. I even said ‘Eating’ so she would know it wasn’t ‘Takeaway’. And so this woman began to serve the Ewa G. She didn’t ask me how much I wanted or anything, she just served. Acting like she was my mother. She motioned her lips to the pot of stew cos that’s how Nigerians point and I got her message so I said ‘Two’. Iya Wunmi gave me my plate of Ewa G and two meat.
He who is without sin should cast the first stone.
I politely asked this woman how much the food was. She answered ‘450’ with a disgusted look. I’m no mumu fam. 450 ko? When it is not beans from The Garden of Eden. (Remember that this whole conversation was in Yoruba). I told her to stop joking but I said so in a polite way. Next Thing, e be like magic, Iya Wunmi stood up and started shouting
‘E gba mi o. Jesu! Iru weere buruku le gbe wa sinu shoopu mi. Ase weere lomo yi. Hee, ko ma ye mi o. Won ti se pe fun eleyi lati ibi to ti’n bo’
In English, ‘See me see trouble o! Jesus! Which kind of mad person did you bring to my shop. So this boy is a mad person sef. Ehh, I don’t understand o. They have cursed this one from wherever he is coming from’

Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause.

I did not understand. This is way beyond the ‘I didn’t ezperrit’ jokes. I couldn’t laugh and I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t shout and I couldn’t keep quiet. This woman did not stop. She went on and on. I stood there and began to explain nothing in particular. I tried to calm her down but all efforts proved futile. She was drawing serious attention. I couldn’t take it anymore. I began to fidget. The Ewa G didn’t fall, trust your boy. I put my hand In my pocket and pulled out a 1000 naira note. After begging her to calm down, she collected it and I made my way to one table to consume my food. Embarrassment or not, money cannot waste. After eating it, I remembered my change. Iya Wunmi gave me that ‘Won o bi e da’ look (Them no born you well).
I didn’t ask for my change. She didn’t remind me.
How would I get home now??

Imma trek trek

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