WARNING: The following content possesses no regard for the English Language as all laws or rules of English were not obeyed. It was not revised or proof-read. It equally has no atom of Chill, is RAW to the core and long. This is not for the easily disgusted, weak at heart, lazy or the ‘judging’. If you know you can’t handle any of the listed above, kindly close this page and smash whatever technological device you are viewing this on. Oluwaseyi Opeyemi Soneye, 93rd King of Abeokuta, 2nd cousin of Iya Rainbow is in no way responsible and doesn’t give half a goat about what your views, opinions, reaction or whatever is to the this content. However, he won’t mind if you direct your opinions to that comment side. Opinions being what you feel, typological errors, complaints and blah. Dazzal.
Today, well yesterday now, but today sha. You get? Ehen, as you and the whole world obviously knows, I never wake up before 10am lowest sha, except there’s a fire or something. So this morning, things were not supposed to go according to plan. I woke up quite early. 4am at first. Not that I wanted to but you know na, hot, peppery poopoo demands to be felt and released. I went to put plenty pepper in my Indomie the previous day. So sha, after really suffering in the toilet, I thought it was allova and so I went back to my bed and slept. As I said, poopoo demands to be felt and so I was up again, this time 4:30am. Awkward yeah? Devil has a wristwatch uno. So I went about the business. Nothing really came out sha. Ma checked on me and saw that I was awake which was wrong. I never see her in the morning, only if I game all night. So she tells me to follow her to her room where she asked if I was depressed or sad. She said she was really worried, that I’ve not been going out much. And that I’ve not been calling too. I thought she was being funny but you know that face Yoruba women put on when they’re not cracking jokes… So sha, I told her not to worry, that I call and I go out. Pops woke up and began to buttress Ma’s point. I actually started giggling but these people didn’t shine gums. So Ma said I must go out today. I told her I wanted to the previous night so it wasn’t surprising. I give her a confused look and she’s like ‘Yes, Seyi were really worried. Are you depressed? You can tell me. What are you doing in the house? An idle mind is the devil’s workshop o. You’ve not been playing games for the past 3 or 4 days and you don’t even do that your blog thing’. I wanted to answer, “World Cup” but naah, so I tell her not to worry and take my leave.
It was like a dream to me cos I don’t see‘4:30am’ much.
So sha, I slept but once again, hot poopoo wakes me up. This one was hotter than fire. Hotter than Mocheddah yo. I acc poured water on my ass as I released. My ass is not big like your own so it was quite easy for water to reach my anus. Naah, released is just wrong but I’m not ready to stress my brain. So after that one, I begin to do nothing in particular. The poopoo calmed down, actually went. The day was going fine. Until I went to one ATM to withdraw before I headed out only to see . In my mind, I’m like, “Nice joke”. I tried again and money came out.
Sha sha, I checked to see the movies that were showing and TFIOS was showing in Ozone; although I’d checked the previous day. So last last Ozone was my choice. It’s dead but hey. Pops didn’t leave for work early so I suggested I drive us to ozone and drop off. So when I was ready to leave, I got in the driver’s seat while Pops rode shotgun. As I’ve said before, my driving skills are at 22% and my street confidence is at 2% so after I almost bashed the car from too much fidgeting, Pops laughed and told me to forget. So he drove and dropped me at a bus stop (the guy sha).
I got to Ozone and immediately went in cos TFIOS was starting soon. So I went in the big TV place and sat down. This is where the day started fam
I was busy bbm-ing and temple running o, when one light skin, (Oh My God! I don’t know what to call her mehn) sat next to me. I looked up from the phone and saw her face. Nothing came to my mind. Only that I had to compose around this babe. Trust me to immediately throw a stick of Orbit in my mouth. Mans always armed with Orbit. Brethren, she was BURRIVVVUUULLL. Like Kim K meets a female version of Seyi Soneye meets Agbani Darego meets Caro meets two angels meets naah, not Rihanna, meets Lupita meets everything meet-able. I actually used scopes to be gauging her. Da Lord is a Great Lord people. She was wearing a white cropped top or whatever it’s called. It was half of a regular top sha (That’s cropped innit?). She was busty. I could see part of the bwezz cos the cropped tee was a V-neck. Have you seen cleavage that makes you happy before? I have. Fine bwezz no pimple. I wasn’t scoping that area of the female but it sorta reached out to me by itself. Bwezz can sometimes mess with the thinking of a brotha yo. Ass is not key. Niggas have ass. But bwezz mehn. What you can do to bwezz! Plus she wasn’t skinny skinny. And those close to me know I’m all about not skinny skinny females. I’m also a mlut so I don’t mind skinny skinny girls but not skinny skinny girls do well with this Brotha anytime. Actually I think I’m cool with any kind of female.
So I’m gauging the babe and dying like a mumu in Temple run. I’m disorganized and so I’m checking BBM, temple running, googling shit and searching for something on lifeofshovel. From the way she spoke, I’m guessing deffs not Igbo so Yoruba probably. In all of this, funny enough, I’m actually not interested in the girl. Of course I wanted to talk to her cos she came with who I’m guessing is her junior brother who was deffs not a problem to get rid of. But I’m also gauging bants cos this could be a trap. In my short life, I’ve had traps come my way and I’ve chopped some, so naah, man had to be wiser. So I’m done gauging the babe and then I’m busy scrolling through lifeofshovel, looking for a particular post and minding my business when allofasudden, she taps me and says, ‘You read that too’. I was too shocked that she tapped me so I’m not even trying to understand how dafuq she knows lifeofshovel. I’m calculating algebra and Further Maths in my mind cos I don’t want to mess this up and so I say, extremely casually, ‘Yeah, I’m guessing you do too’. Then she’s like ‘Oh My God, I do. It’s funny, some sha’. I didn’t want to let her know she was talking to Uncle Shovel himself, cos you know, manss not about easy things life. So I say, ‘Which post is your favourite?’ ‘Umm, I think, Susan or the one about a baby sister. That one about his sister and cousin is funny’.’. While she’s mentioning, I’m calculating PhD Maths to know which post was which. Then she asks which one was my favourite and then I told her the one about the rats. She was like ‘Eww’ and so in my mind, I’m stabbing myself. Sha sha, the movie starts and I’m getting a not-so-good vibe from the movie cos I could tell what was gonna happen next; and the words too. So I mistakenly say what Gus was gonna say one time and ‘Hotcake’ looks to at me and asks if I’ve watched the movie before and I tell her naah, I’ve watched the book. She giggles and I’m wondering why. Then I gauged what I said and didn’t bother correcting myself. She said she’s read the book too so were discussing about it while the movie’s going on and were pointing out all the flaws. Like how Hazel pops didn’t cry in the movie. So sha, I want this girl to know I actually read the book, which is a gay act in some minds, but naah mehn, I’m feeling like Red Ranger cos she was impressed. I’m talking about the book and being philosophical, speaking like an English student, spitting fire yo. I’m talking Wole Soyinka meets that Patrick guy fire. Spitting words I know don’t exist. But she’s clearly gullible cos she’s nodding her head and agreeing with me. So we go on and on and break once in a while cos uno, the 500 me I paid cannot waste. Movie ends and this lady actually pulled a rapture move on me by standing up and walking out. She didn’t say a word.
So I’m sitting there, trying to understand what had just happened. Eyes welled up but uno can’t act like a female cos of some fine ass female. So I get up and get out. The day’s still young so I decide to watch another movie. Man chose Blended cos Adam Sandler is a very close friend. So I get a hotdog and Fanta cos Fanta is life and go into the big TV place again. I sight ‘Hotcake’ and I say ‘Shit’ to myself. I don’t want it to look like I’m following her so I chose to seat in front of her. I made it look like a coincidence tho. So the movie begins and next thing I know, ‘Hotcake’ appears next to me.
I’m calculating what had just happened when she asks me for my name. I knew it was time to change it for her so I tell her ‘Seyi Soneye’ louding that Soneye part so she’ll know it was the Shovel himself. I’m about that lowkks life so I tell her not to make a big deal out of it cos she’s already saying ‘Oh My God!’ in a seemingly loud tone. We’re watching the movie and laughing like hell cos it’s a funny ass movie. After some time, this girl actually put her hand on my lap. It was there for a second but it felt like 32 years cos manss mind was roaming like MTN. I’m busy imagining all sorts and cursing any Jezebelic spirit when she simply grabbed the phone which was on my lap and began to play temple run. I hit myself for putting it there. So we begin to talk and she’s asking me why I tell stories and if they’re true. I’m answering her, uno, treating her like a fan cos I have other women in my life. She’s almost interviewing me and in my mind, I’m like, ‘Bruh, you’re almost zoning a 10 yo. Like fan-zoning a 10’. I’m doing the nae nae, skelewu-ing and dancing alingo at the same time while I thought about it. The rapport I was building here was epic mehn cos I’m giving her some Lava hot fire questions to answer. Them questions that reach deep into her soul. Were really connecting. So I’m thinking about it. Do I get her contacts or do make her queen of my fan-zone? The former seemed appealing cos she’s the kind of female I know I might never come across again but then the latter seemed like a Superman move (Silly ehh?)
Perfect 10 Sir. Perfect. Her only flaw was that she kept pronouncing ‘Gus’ as in ‘Gauss’ as ‘Goos’.
Movie was at the end and I’m still reasoning it as we spoke when allofasudden she seemed to type something on her phone after which she gave me my phone. I’m smiling cos I’m guessing she typed her contacts into my phone too. I checked my phone only to see that this light-skin demoness had killed my battery. I’m bout to ask her why and then she placed her left hand on my shoulder and began to lean in. I’m thinking, ‘keez keez’ so I’m gauging her lips and mouth for any ‘gbogbozee’ or ‘yamayama’. It was like another film trick when she placed a casual peck on my cheek. I’m thinking, ‘Davug?’ when this female stood up and left like nothing happened.
After 2 minutes of understanding everything that had just happened, it dawns on me that I never got her name although I knew her brother’s name was David cos she mentioned it once. So I get up and fast walk out of that place. Man was searching for this girl like they searching for them Chibok girls. I didn’t find her so I’m feeling stupid as hell. I hiss really loud and got out of da building.
So it’s time to go home and I get on a bus cos that’s life for you. I’m a little teary-eyed so I put my head down. I can’t wait to get home cos I wanna watch football and forget that light-skin but trust Lagos traffic to change it for me. So obviously, nothing worse can happen and whatdoyouknow? One smelly ass dude sat next to me. This guy smelt like ammonia mixed with rotten rat. I hold my breath for as long as I can cos I’m not with my inhaler and I’m not ready to die. Traffic speeds up so I could breathe now. I get home to meet no light so I sit and begin to reminisce.
And then I got a phone call.
<Private Number> I pick up and say ‘Hello’ in the tushest voice possible cos uno, it could be the white man calling to tell me I had a billion dollars somewhere.
Then the caller’s like
‘Hello, Seyi. It’s me, I sat next to you today’
I’ve summersaulted 300 times and I’m about to ask how she got my number and what her name was…..
Then the line went dead…..