I’m Almost Ready To DIE

OH MY GOD! I think I’m finally ready to die. The worst, most embarrassing, most humiliating thing happened to me. I’ll feel bad, send 7 flowers and kill 40 fat cows if it happened to my worst enemy.
So this morning, after church, my mum made the whole family go visit her mum. We got there, had a good time and headed back home. I was tired cos I woke up unusually early that morning and I’m not about that life. Immediately we got home, I wanted to wrap up Red Dead Redemption and do some FIFA but NEPA said NOO. I was tired anyway so man took his clothes off and got into bed.
It was an awesome nap brethren. I had an awesome dream that can only be told to a select few.
I woke up and glanced at the clock and it was 6:00pm. Shocked cos the nap didn’t feel that long, I jumped out of bed and prayed I hadn’t missed lunch. After taking a piss and wondering why my ‘male organ’, codename: Shovelizzle was excited at the time, I made my way to the living room to see what was worth watching on TV.
My senses weren’t fully functional at the moment because that’s how I am after afternoon naps. Well I stepped into the living room and immediately, all my senses ‘function-ability’ rocketed to 5000000%. My parents had done it again. The living room was filled with about 6 people, 4 of which I knew very well. I greeted them all after which I stood and tried to make out why they stared at me awkwardly. It was after about 6 seconds of standing and looking at their puzzled faces I realized that Shovelizzle was still excited. To make it all worse, I had really light boxers on. With the speed of 300 Usain Bolt’s I ran away to my room and locked the door, never to come out again until it was dinner time. I thought about it fam. I greeted Aunty Kemi, her husband and Uncle Toyin and his wife with Shovelizzle pointing like the canon on Arsenal’s club crest in their innocent faces.
I just had dinner and it was awkward facing the family. I tried hard to ignore their jokes. In my defense, the house was quiet and I had no idea there were going to be any visitors. I told my mum to call everyone that was in the living room this afternoon and tell them I’ve died. As of now, I can’t think of anything worse that can happen to the son of man. Issallova sha. Life has to go on.
Moral Lessons
1. Visitors are evil; never greet them.
2. The human penis is equally evil.
Follow @SeyiSoneye