The Sly Shall Be Slyed

LSHIMJDM means ‘Laughing So Hard I Might Just Shit Myself’. Anyway, the funniest, most heart-breaking, most evil, most unfair news just got to me. Without further ado, the time to begin this story is now.
So one of my closest friends, practically a brother to me, from waaaaaaaay back, is about to kill himself. We’ve been friends since we were kids. Like 10 years ago. Anyway, while both of us were in Secondary School, during one of our breaks from school, we went out. Those kind of outings where you just want to chill, nothing fancy.
We decided to go visit a mutual friend. After our routine argument regarding who was gonna pay our transport fares, we were on our way. On getting to our other friend’s place, we saw that NEPA was on form. If you live in these parts, you should know constant power supply is not a common thing. So when I say NEPA was on form, I mean there was no light. The absence of light was nature’s way of telling us to get out of the house and have fun or relax the natural way. And so we went to a park in his estate, took comfortable positions on one of the park benches there and began to talk.
We had not been there up to ten minutes and then this really attractive woman walked past. I wasn’t surprised when she accelerated because she noticed we looked at her like

When she was too far for our eyes to lust after, there was an awkward silence. We just stared at each other and tried to digest what we’d just seen. One of my friends broke the silence when he said he knew the girl. Said she was in his school and stuff. My other friend’s brain practically packed up (For clarity, let’s call the love struck guy Balu). While myself and my other friend (let’s call him Guy) spoke about the girl and some other things, Balu slouched where he sat and well, this is the perfect way to potray what happened


He eventually spoke and said he wanted to go talk to her. I laughed at what he said cos I knew he was never one for the direct approach. He sounded really serious but when he kept contemplating till she was almost out of sight, I knew nothing was gonna happen.

Evening came and we all went to our various homes. Balu called and asked me if I knew anyone who knew the girl. As I said earlier, his packed up so he wasn’t listening when Guy said she was in his school. I told him Guy knew her though. And so he called Guy and made inquiries. Guy told him her name and some other stuff. Balu told Guy he wanted to meet her. Guy surprisingly told Balu he would organize a meeting.

And so the next day, we went to the same spot, myself and Balu. Few minutes later, Guy joined us but with the girl from the previous day. Boys were like


No one expected her to be here. Trust your boy to undull, I went straight to her and said Hi, told her my name, asked for hers and left. A brother had to keep it brief since Balu called dibs. Well, Guy and myself left Balu with her. I think they had a good time. Since Balu and the girl were not in the same school plus she was in boarding school, it was tough for them to communicate. Guy suggested he’d act as an intermediary. Balu and him were day students. I wasn’t in support of the idea because this guy possessed one bastard finesse with the ladies. I didn’t see the plan ending well for Balu.

Sha sha, things went fine from there on. We got close the girl, but Balu was somewhat the closest. Close asin we could talk about her to other guys without it being called ‘famzing’.

Well, the main point, the yolk in the egg, the idiot in your mentions,  the ‘koko’ of the story is that Balu had been on this girls matter for a looooong time. I actually believed they were a couple. Baba had been setting her ‘P’ siiinnnccceeee. Sadly, they weren’t. They had just been……………courting I guess, like getting to know each other well but in a non-sexual way. Although I’m confident they must have attempted some lewd acts.

So, this week, on Tuesday to be precise, I skyped with Balu. When this happened


and this


and this


I didn’t need Amadioha to tell this guy was super pained. I asked him to tell me what the source of his anger was and then he started. He said he was planning to get serious with our girl and that he told Guy about it. I wasn’t sure how exactly this was painful until he sent a snapshot of a picture on the girl’s Instagram page. When I saw the picture, tears welled  up in my eyes. It was a picture of the girl and Guy in a clearly romantic pose. Even my toenail would tell that there was something going on between those two. It was the tag at the bottom of the picture that changed everything.

“Awesome Day with the Boo *kissy face* <3<3”

I shall say no more. All I can say is that

“The Sly Shall Be Slyed” – Shovel, 2014

It ends here. My condolences to Balu regarding his unfair heart-shattering. There’s a lot of fish in the sea Bruh. Please don’t kill yourself. Till next time


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