DAMOLA IS A BASTARD

What’s popping people? Popcorn shey?!
Lol don’t judge me. So i woke up this morning and the weather was AWESOME. Dunno why, but it found myself actually leaving my bed and preparing for my 8am class. I ended up not going though but I left much later. I’m regretting leaving that bed. Anyway, I’m partly happy I did cos while I was in this extremely boring, soul-piercing lecture, one really funny thing that happened a while ago popped into my head, like popcorn 😦 I’m too happy yo. It’s not a long story so I’ll be brief and then I’ll pop-off.
It was a painful experience but funny regardless. I was in Jss3 at the time. Well SS1 actually cos that was the summer after Jss3. I had just discovered I had a birthmark on the middle finger on my right hand. It was a rather queer thing. Not queer-gay, but queer-odd. Trust me to flaunt my baby. I didn’t know of anyone else with a cooler spot for a birthmark although I recently met someone with a birthmark on her lower lip, attractive something.
During one of the summer days, myself and a cousin went to a party. I saw many people I knew. We got there and began to eat anything we could lay our hands on. After eating, I lay on a couch and nursed my hurting tummy. In my laid position, I put my right hand up and started to admire my birthmark.
And then out of nowhere, one tall, dark guy grabbed me, pulled me off the couch and pushed me against the wall. It was Damola. One evil demon that lived close to me sometime back. I didn’t understand anything what was going on until the guy gave me a hot slap across my face. It was then I shouted, “What the hell did I do?”. I regretted asking though. Thanks to an even hotter slap but this time on the other side of me face. I didn’t want to cry cos my crush was in the room. But the slaps were really hot. So, regardless of how hard I tried,I found myself crying like a girl that was getting raped by fourteen horses and shouting, “Why? Why did you slap me? What did I do?”. Mucous flowed out of my nose as he continuously rained heavy slaps on my face. Seriously embarrassing stuff. I think Damola realized that I actually had no idea why I was getting slapped because he dropped me. He told me to explain why I’d been waving my middle finger at him for about 5 minutes straight. Well, in my defense, he asked for it and so I lifted my right hand and waved my middle finger in his face.
I’m totally convinced what I did was a really bad idea because the last thing I remember seeing was Damola’s fist. I think he punched and kicked me all over cos my body hurt when I eventually regained my consciousness.
I still don’t know where I went wrong. All I did was admire my birthmark. The most painful thing is I never got to let him know about the birthmark.
Well that’s the end of the story. Now I’m careful with how I look at my birthmark or show people because I don’t want to end up almost dead like Lil’ Wayne’s ca……never mind 😉
Have a great day people, and follow @SeyiSoneye

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The Sly Shall Be Slyed

LSHIMJDM means ‘Laughing So Hard I Might Just Shit Myself’. Anyway, the funniest, most heart-breaking, most evil, most unfair news just got to me. Without further ado, the time to begin this story is now.
So one of my closest friends, practically a brother to me, from waaaaaaaay back, is about to kill himself. We’ve been friends since we were kids. Like 10 years ago. Anyway, while both of us were in Secondary School, during one of our breaks from school, we went out. Those kind of outings where you just want to chill, nothing fancy.
We decided to go visit a mutual friend. After our routine argument regarding who was gonna pay our transport fares, we were on our way. On getting to our other friend’s place, we saw that NEPA was on form. If you live in these parts, you should know constant power supply is not a common thing. So when I say NEPA was on form, I mean there was no light. The absence of light was nature’s way of telling us to get out of the house and have fun or relax the natural way. And so we went to a park in his estate, took comfortable positions on one of the park benches there and began to talk.
We had not been there up to ten minutes and then this really attractive woman walked past. I wasn’t surprised when she accelerated because she noticed we looked at her like

lewd
When she was too far for our eyes to lust after, there was an awkward silence. We just stared at each other and tried to digest what we’d just seen. One of my friends broke the silence when he said he knew the girl. Said she was in his school and stuff. My other friend’s brain practically packed up (For clarity, let’s call the love struck guy Balu). While myself and my other friend (let’s call him Guy) spoke about the girl and some other things, Balu slouched where he sat and well, this is the perfect way to potray what happened

in-love

He eventually spoke and said he wanted to go talk to her. I laughed at what he said cos I knew he was never one for the direct approach. He sounded really serious but when he kept contemplating till she was almost out of sight, I knew nothing was gonna happen.

Evening came and we all went to our various homes. Balu called and asked me if I knew anyone who knew the girl. As I said earlier, his packed up so he wasn’t listening when Guy said she was in his school. I told him Guy knew her though. And so he called Guy and made inquiries. Guy told him her name and some other stuff. Balu told Guy he wanted to meet her. Guy surprisingly told Balu he would organize a meeting.

And so the next day, we went to the same spot, myself and Balu. Few minutes later, Guy joined us but with the girl from the previous day. Boys were like

triple

No one expected her to be here. Trust your boy to undull, I went straight to her and said Hi, told her my name, asked for hers and left. A brother had to keep it brief since Balu called dibs. Well, Guy and myself left Balu with her. I think they had a good time. Since Balu and the girl were not in the same school plus she was in boarding school, it was tough for them to communicate. Guy suggested he’d act as an intermediary. Balu and him were day students. I wasn’t in support of the idea because this guy possessed one bastard finesse with the ladies. I didn’t see the plan ending well for Balu.

Sha sha, things went fine from there on. We got close the girl, but Balu was somewhat the closest. Close asin we could talk about her to other guys without it being called ‘famzing’.

Well, the main point, the yolk in the egg, the idiot in your mentions,  the ‘koko’ of the story is that Balu had been on this girls matter for a looooong time. I actually believed they were a couple. Baba had been setting her ‘P’ siiinnnccceeee. Sadly, they weren’t. They had just been……………courting I guess, like getting to know each other well but in a non-sexual way. Although I’m confident they must have attempted some lewd acts.

So, this week, on Tuesday to be precise, I skyped with Balu. When this happened

ALittleAngry

and this

frustrated

and this

f-this

I didn’t need Amadioha to tell this guy was super pained. I asked him to tell me what the source of his anger was and then he started. He said he was planning to get serious with our girl and that he told Guy about it. I wasn’t sure how exactly this was painful until he sent a snapshot of a picture on the girl’s Instagram page. When I saw the picture, tears welled  up in my eyes. It was a picture of the girl and Guy in a clearly romantic pose. Even my toenail would tell that there was something going on between those two. It was the tag at the bottom of the picture that changed everything.

“Awesome Day with the Boo *kissy face* <3<3”

I shall say no more. All I can say is that

“The Sly Shall Be Slyed” – Shovel, 2014

It ends here. My condolences to Balu regarding his unfair heart-shattering. There’s a lot of fish in the sea Bruh. Please don’t kill yourself. Till next time

Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic??

LOL

The Sick Bastard™

The following is an actual question given on a University of Liverpoolchemistry final exam.The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

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The Story of Mohammed (The suicide bomber) and The 6yr Old Virgin

The Sick Bastard™

Today, I found out that, thanks to a rare bone disease, my 6 year old daughter has only four weeks to live. I decided to read the paper to take my mind off it and discovered a suicide bomber in Baghdad has killed 30 people in a market place.

I cast aside the paper and walk to my daughter’s bedroom. I stand in the doorway, watching her sleep, thinking how cruel this world can be. Barely 6 years old and soon to be in heaven. My mind was cast back to the suicide bomber, on his way there and eager to meet the virgins that wait for him. I gently closed the bedroom door, took out my cock and moved towards my innocent child.

Fuck you, Mohammed. This is one virgin you won’t be getting your hands on.

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How I Faced My Greatest Fear

What’s good people? I doubt anyone of you is as excited as I am. See, sometime last week, I decided to step up, to face my fear, to confront my demons. You guys remember that great and powerful gay rapist? The one I told you about here on Val’s day? You’re free to go through it if you never saw it.
So I got up on Wednesday feeling really confident for no reason in particular. It was a lecture free day so I went about my hall aimlessly, looking for trouble up and down. Most people were still asleep since there was no reason to get up early that day.
Anyway, the highlight of that day came later. Sometime in the afternoon. As expected, a brother got hungry. The ceaseless rumbling of my tummy was an indication that I had to eat as soon as possible. And so I decided to go to Cafeteria 1. To get food obviously.
I got there and it was surprisingly empty, kind of. I said a little prayer of thanksgiving because I didn’t have the strength to struggle on lines and stuff. Pointless banter aside, I got my food and it was time to get me self a drink.
Something you guys should know is this; ever since my encounter with that guy, every single time I step into Cafeteria 1, I look around and try to see if I can spot ‘The Rapist’, especially the drink counters. If I sight homeboy, I try my best not to step into his line of sight. Yup, I’m always on some Splinter Cell and Hitman shit when he’s around.
So that day, I think the devil personally organized things. As I said two posts back, Cafeteria 1 has two drink zones. Well, on that day, the devil made one of the drink zones pack up. So that meant one thing. If I was serious about getting a drink, I would have to face Le Rapist. His zone was the only place I could get a drink.
The reality of what I would have to do struck me too hard. I sat at a table and began to think. Nothing scares me like rape yo. Different scenarios played in my mind. I first pictured the guy jump across the counter, lift me on his shoulders and take me to a corner where I got annihilated in like four thousand different ways. The next scenario wasn’t so bad. I saw myself surrender myself to him. He carefully pulled me to the back of the Cafeteria and gave it to me. Bruh the final scenario was hell. This guy actually walked up to me, grabbed my arms, tore my clothes and gave it to me with reckless abandon, right there, in the middle of the Cafeteria, on one of the tables.
A voice in my head told me to run away as soon as possible. I began to leave and then my head sparked. I whispered ‘No’ under my breath. I thought about it. This oppression could not continue. He couldn’t possibly rape me, hopefully. Especially not in front of everyone. I mean, I was playing it too safe all this time. I shouldn’t have feared him. No fag can be that crazy. Or horny. I pray.
And so I turned around and began to walk towards him. As I got closer to where he was, I pleaded the blood of Jesus repeatedly. A couple steps later, I was face to face with my demon. This guy was the only extremely scary thing I had faced after I broke my dad’s laptop some years back. He looked at me and I looked back. I had a stern, serious face on. The kind those big soldiers you see once in a while walk about with. There was an awkward silence for about five seconds. I broke the silence by telling him to give me a bottle of ‘zobo’. I could sense the authority in my own voice. I was shocked, excited and proud of myself at the same time. He threw a shocked face at me. I kept glaring at him with my serious face. He finally gave me my zobo and it was time to pay. I thought back to my last encounter with him. I recalled how he grabbed my arm when I stretched that 500 naira note at him. This time had to be different. I made sure I had the perfect amount to pay him so I wouldn’t have to waste time to wait for him to give me my change. And so, I took step back, zobo and food in my right hand and a 100 naira note in my left. I took in a quick breath and threw the note at him. I wanted him to think I was ready to fight him if he tried nonsense and so I stood on that spot for some seconds and frowned at him. When I felt he got the message, I turned around and walked out like a boss.
Man I felt like a king as I walked back to my room. And that is how I faced my fear, how I stepped up. This doesn’t change much though. I don’t intend to test him some other time.
It ends here. Have an awesome day and follow @SeyiSoneye.