Why I can Never Get A Drink on The Right Side Of Cafeteria 1

Hello People! I’m guessing some of you are confused or wondering what exactly the title of this post entails. Lemme jump into today’s thing so you don’t get bored too fast.

I think I’m in trouble. Not expulsion or disciplinary or school kind of trouble. Not trouble that can get me beat up or trouble that can get me in jail. I’m talking Big Trouble. Serious Scary trouble.

As some of us used to do back in the day when we still used to write essays and papers in English class, I’ll start by breaking down, or better still, clarifying, or shedding some light on some things so it’ll be easy for you guys to flow with me.

See, I’m in Covenant University. Yeah, THE Covenant University. That school with rules and rules and rules. That school most of you have heard all sorts about. Yes, that school. I’m not going to be disclosing details regarding what happens here so don’t get too excited. Ask your friends, if you have any here. They’ll gladly tell you. Anyway, Cafeteria 1 is clearly a cafeteria. A place where you buy food and stuff. It doesn’t take a genius to know that. It’ll be difficult for you guys to understand how the place is so I made a beautiful sketch of how Cafe 1 is.

Well, what you’re looking at above is a perfect layout of Cafe 1. I should apologize in advance cos you’ll  be doing some scrolling because I’ll be making many references to the picture. I’ll try to make this as brief as possible cos most of you night have plans for Valentine bants. With that said, my story begins here.

Some weeks back, probably two weeks ago, a friend and I decided to go to Cafe 1 to get food. We had a really stressful day so men were hungry. Cafe 1 wasn’t too crowded that afternoon. Rather unusual but not so much, considering the time of the day. Anyway, I wasn’t in the mood for the cliche rice and whatever so I decided to eat Bre-wa. In simpler terms, that’s Bread and Ewa (Beans). After buying my Bre-wa, I waited for my friend, my homie, my guy to buy his own food. I didn’t have to wait so long though.

Just when we were about leaving, one of our course-mates called us from across the hall and told us to wait for him. Being really nice, considerate and good friends, we found a free table and sat. There was nothing to talk about so we just sat. Few seconds into sitting, my friend began to giggle. Being human, I asked him what was funny and he pointed to a poster.( Now this is the part where y’all are gonna be scrolling) The table we were sitting at happened to be on the right side of Cafe 1. That brown rectangle in the picture.  My friend was pointing to a section in Cafe 1 where they sell drinks, that’s the place I labelled ‘homeboy’s zone’. (You see the picture yeah, I’m the yellow dot and my friend is the blue dot). I looked where his finger pointed to but I didn’t see anything. A minute passed and I still didn’t know what he was pointing it.

When he saw that my case was hopeless, he began to laugh. I unconsciously began to laugh with him. While laughing, I continued to search for the initial source of the joke. A couple more glances and then shit got real. (Go back to the picture again) Turns out my friend was pointing to a poster, that’s the black dot in the picture. I finally saw it and began to smile. It had something funny on it which, unfortunately I can’t remember. (Go back to the picture again :)) You see that red dot, that dot is the trouble I’m talking about. That red dot is a guy. A big, strong, scary guy. He’s the guy that sells the drinks on the right side of Cafe 1. There’s another part of Cafe 1 where drinks are sold but this red dot is in charge of this chapter or section.

The whole time I was looking, smiling and laughing as I searched for the poster, Mr. Red Dot was staring at me. The way the poster was positioned, it looked like I was staring at him while smiling and laughing. It was then I remembered we hadn’t bought drinks. And so, myself and my friend went over to Mr. Red Dot and asked for Fanta.

Now, I AM NOT JOKING AND I DID NOT MAKE THIS UP, This guy began to hit on me. My face is straight as hell right now cos I’m dead serious. He was flirting with me. Smiling and staring into my eyes and stuff. I thought it was a joke so I simply laughed it off, paid for the drinks and left. My friend and I didn’t speak of the moment.

Two days later, both of us went to Cafe 1 to get food, obviously. Not Bre-wa this time. We bought Eba. As always, we went over to the right side of Cafe to get drinks. When we got there, Mr. Red Dot was there. Homeboy began to smile at me. He said Hi and I stood, confused cos I wasn’t sure how he knew me. He kept staring at me as he brought the drinks we ordered, as he gave us and as we left. I kept looking back as I walked out of Cafe 1 to see if he looked away but he didn’t. His eyes followed me until I was out of sight. Again, we didn’t speak of it.

Another night, I went to Cafe 1 but with a different person and the same thing happened. Everything changed at that moment. I became scared. I didn’t need a prophet to tell me that this guy either wanted a relationship with me or he wanted to rape me. There  was and is no argument, that guy is a faggot.

A week passed and I forgot about the whole thing. I decided to go to Cafe 1 to get a drink after a long, stressful day. I was alone this time. I got to the same place, the right side of Cafe, Mr. Red Dot’s zone, his arena, his side, his area, his abode, his whatever. AGAIN, I AM NOT JOKING, THIS GUY BEGAN TO LICK HIS LIPS AS I GOT CLOSER TO THE COUNTER. I THOUGHT I WAS DREAMING BUT THIS GUY DID NOT STOP. AS A BIG BOY, I DECIDED TO RISK MY BUM-BUM VIRGINITY AND SO I WENT ALL THE WAY TO THE COUNTER AND ASKED FOR A DRINK. BABA DIDN’T WASTE TIME SURPRISINGLY. HE BROUGHT MY FIVE ALIVE OUT  QUITE FAST. I WAS ABOUT COLLECTING IT WHEN OUT OF NOWHERE, HE GRABBED MY ARM. I WANTED TO DIE. I WAS SCARED TO DEATH. I COULD SEE THE EVIL IN HIS EYES. I HAD HEARD OF BOYS THAT GOT RAPED AND THEY SAY IT’S NOT A FUNNY THING. BEFORE HE COULD SAY ANYTHING, I THREW THE MONEY FOR THE DRINK AT HIM, STRUGGLED OUT OF HIS GRIP AND RAN OUT OF CAFE 1.

When I got to my room, I got on my bed and began to cry. I’m too young. I don’t want to be raped. Now I’m scared to visit the right side of Cafe 1. I don’t want to be violently raped, by a very big guy for that matter. What should I do? Today’s Valentine’s day and I’m sure homeboy will be horny. I’m supposed to be in Cafe 1 tonight but I’m scared Mr. Red Dot will capture me and rape me in one dark corner. I’m not even that big compared to him so I won’t be able to struggle out of his grip. Now you see why I said I CAN never, not WILL, never be able to get a drink on the right side of Cafeteria 1.

That’s all for today people. Please gimme your advice on what to do about this horny faggot. I get that my face is too attractive but not to men na, not to men.

You guys can go back to enjoying your Val’s day. My Val is too far away. So I’ll just be here, in my room, FM the whole night away. Cafe 1 is not safe.

I know I said this was going to be brief but you can see how important this issue is so pardon me.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Follow @SeyiSoneye  and Have a great day!!

January 27th 2002 – Part 1

The very next few days after the Bomb Blast in ’02, we were still finding it hard to recover from the shock, the pain, the hurt. The families that got divided, things we lost…….those we lost. The chaos….the damage…..the destruction…..the death….
At least we were alive; Dad, Ruby, Mum and me. Thank God! Some friends of the family were missing. Even family. The most hurtful part of it all was my sister. I love her. I jokingly used to call her my wife. Unlike my other sister, she was quiet. She barely said anything. The sound of her cry was soothing, nothing like that of the average baby. She never gave me any form of stress. We never fought. Above all, she had an insipid personality. Never was there a moment where she gave an irascible response or anything of the sort whenever I might have annoyed her even if she was light-skinned. As bizarre and inappropriate as that sounds, I mean it. I really fancied it. I was barely seven years old but I didn’t like noise or stress. It was one of the reasons I was kind of quiet in school. I don’t even want to begin with how soft and tender her baby skin was.
She was five days old. Mum, on countless occasions within the period of my sister’s birth and that time, told us we weren’t meant to carry her around. Something about her bones not being fully developed if I remember well. I never obeyed. Whenever Mum wasn’t watching, I would lift my sister from her crib and play with her. Mum was still recovering from the delivery so she barely had enough in her to beat me or shout at me. Many times, I would pretend to breast feed her. My God, I had never been so attached to anything, talk less of anyone. But she was different.
Prior to her arrival, we were just two, that’s me and Ruby. Till now, I feel indifferent regarding how I truly feel about that. I love Ruby but we have way too many differences. I like football and games and she doesn’t give a damn about it. She fancies baking shows, fashion and her dolls but I honestly have no atom of care for it. Differences such as this make us fight and stuff. In all of this, I still love Ruby with my whole heart. But this little sister was different. She knew nothing about anything so I had a chance to make her grow into liking everything I liked. For me, she was going to be mini-me.
Throughout the five days of her life, I didn’t know her name. Her naming ceremony was supposed to be later that week, the eight day after her birth. I asked my parents to tell me what her name was going to be but they told me to wait till Wednesday the 30th (If only they told me then). I call her ‘baby’ or ‘my wife’. With the way I used to go by her crib and stare at her, any passerby would believe I was a budding pedophile. Three more days and I’d get to know what I would call this baby forever. But I guess life had alternate plans.

27th January 2002..…….the entire 24 hours of that day, I remember perfectly. Five days ago, we were celebrating a new addition to the family. From then on, we were going to celebrate two birthdays in January. Mum’s on the 3rd and baby’s on the 22nd.
It was like every other Sunday morning. Well it was meant to be like the previous Sunday and the one before that one and the one before that one. Church was fun that day. That was the last Sunday of the first month in 2002. We had a thanksgiving service. The dancing was nice but it was the feast that followed that made my morning. After eating, dad having different meetings, Ruby and I chasing each other, it was time to head home. Mum didn’t go with us to church. I don’t know why but she always looked tired after delivery. So she stayed home with Baby.
The sweet aroma of Mum’s signature stew welcomed us. I ran straight to the kitchen to see what was for lunch. White rice, mum’s stew and the classic ‘drumstick’. Rice on Sunday afternoon I believe is part of the culture of Nigerians.
After eating, I retired to my room, well our room. I shared a room with my sister. Weird, but it worked fine. After what was probably 2 hours of sleep, I got up and went about the house. Dad was going through a newspaper while Mum and Ruby were in the kitchen arguing about whatever it is they were talking about. Baby was in her crib, sleeping, as usual. I watched her sleep for a couple minutes after which I went to ask Dad what the plan for the rest of the day was. He gave my question some thought and decided it would be nice to visit one of his old friends.
Few minutes later, we were in the car. Myself, Dad and Ruby. Again, Mum was too tired to be going about town with us. After hugging Mum and waving her goodbye, we were off. I wanted Baby to go with us but Mum gave me the whole ‘she’s still to tiny’ lecture. I was a little disappointed and teary-eyed but what could I do? With a couple jokes from Dad, I was back in a good mood. Then we took off…… And this was when it all began…..