The Life and Times of Juniper HIM I

Long ago, in a land of constant power outages, lack of sufficient cartoons on TV, absence of internet connection and school  from 8 am to 3 pm, there lived a boy. His name, Juniper HIM. HIM was a normal boy. There was nothing spectacular about him. HIM was an introvert mainly because he was shy and stuff. He didn’t talk much. He was quiet, and smart too. In his class, HIM always came first or second. He didn’t come first or second just one time in primary 4 when a new girl came to his school and dazed everyone in the class.

HIM has been through a lot. He’s had many adventures. Most of which end in either embarrassment, pain, anger , disappointment and in some rare cases, happiness. That been said, it’s time for a cool story. Trust me, I’ve looked in a mirror and I’ve given myself the straightest face ever so don’t bother.


The first lady placed a  large plate of fried plantain on the table in front of him. Him smiled and licked his lips. Another came in with an even wider plate with a full chicken on it and placed it next to the plantain. The second the ladies left, Him wasted no time in picking a piece of plantain. As the plantain slice neared his mouth, he felt the earth shake. It was an earthquake. Him ignored it and tried to get the plantain into his mouth but the earthquake intensified. It got more intense by the second. And then, Him felt a slap on his face. Turns out it was a dream, and the earthquake was Papa waking him up for school.
It was resumption day that morning. Him had been praying all summer that his seat partner must be Susan. Susan was a twin. Her twin sister was Sharon. Him didn’t like Sharon because each time he tried to speak to Susan, Sharon was always there and she never allowed a conversation go on. It was surprising to see ‘cockblocking’ at such a young age.
Him liked Susan. His young heart couldn’t handle love at that age so he was sure what he felt was ‘like’. He liked her for the dumbest reason on earth. She was beautiful and stuff but that wasn’t why Him liked her. Her handwriting. Her handwriting was AWESOME. Him saw a notebook on a desk once and flipped through it. The handwriting in the note was perfect. After checking the front of the note, Him found out it belonged to Susan. From that moment, Him was in love, or like with Susan.
Him didn’t waste time in getting ready for school that morning. His sister did but not so much. Papa dropped them off in school quite early and that was exactly what Him wanted.
Every resumption day in school, the class teachers arranged all the pupils in pairs on each desk in the class. Every pupil prayed and hoped they got paired with a friend or the crush. That morning, after the morning assembly, the class teacher of primary 5 Ruby, Miss E. ordered all the pupils to make two lines, one for girls and one for boys. When that was done, she began to pair the boys and girls up. She did it based on how they were lined up. Remember, Him is smart. So Him, counted the pupils on his line and the pupils in Susan’s line. After this, he positioned himself such that he would get paired with Susan. Eventually, he did. There’s no word to describe how excited he was.
By the first break, Susan and Him had started talking. This was shocking because Him wasn’t one to partake in an actual conversation, but now he was in a real conversation with the girl he loved, or liked. Their conversation was mainly about which of the Kids Next Door was the toughest and the Cramp Twins. The day went extremely well for Him. He got paired with the girl he loved, he was he only one that spelt ‘beginning’ properly during spelling and after school, he spent the time waiting for his Papa to pick him with Susan. Unfortunately, Papa came early that afternoon and so, Him’s time with Susan was short-lived.
The ride home was wonderful. Him replayed the whole day in his head. He didn’t even know when he got home until Papa gave him a perfectly weighted knock on his head. It didn’t hurt much cos his mind wasn’t there.
The day got even better when Him found out he was having fried plantain for lunch. Happy enough, the plantain seemed to never finish that afternoon. When Him was tired of eating, he went to the living room and slept on the floor. He dreamt about Susan and how the term was gonna go for them as seat partners. That day was definitely the best day if his life. There was nothing that could ruin it.
About 4 hours into his slumber, Mama woke Him up and told him to go to bed. She told him to take a piss first before going into bed. Him was half awake and so he wasn’t fully conscious of what was happening. He walked into the toilet, pulled his pee pee out and began to wee wee. Not too long into his wee wee ing, he felt the hardest slap ever on his left cheek. Immediately, he turned to see the source of the IGBATI. The wee wee was still flowing so when he turned around and saw Mama, the wee wee from his pee pee flowed majestically on Mama’s skirt suit, heehee. Him still wasn’t fully conscious. Two even heavier IGBATI’s after, Him regained consciousness. He looked around and realized what he had just done. He wasn’t in the toilet, he was in the kitchen, and he was wee wee-ing in the pressure cooker Mama placed on the floor when she was done making beans for dinner. My guy now made the biggest mistake of his life. He began to laugh. The last thing he saw that night was Mama with the most furious face ever as IGBATI’s incessantly landed on his young fine face until he blacked out.

And that the end of Him’s best day ever. Happy ending or Naah??


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