Wicked Children

No greetings. I’m not in a good mood. I’m very angry right now. Soon enough, you’ll know why.
No time to waste time so lemme just dive into it.

On Sunday, after church, we (that’s my dad, mum, my sister and me) went to grandma’s house. When we got there, we met practically the whole family. I didn’t know what was happening but since there was a lot of food and stuff, I didn’t care. So after greeting close to 15 people individually, I sat down and began to play Plants vs Zombies. I was there enjoying myself and then I noticed everyone turned their attention to me. I looked up and saw everybody smiling. Then I was like


Then one by one, they began to say stuff like, ‘Ahh, Seyi, you’re a big boy now o. See how you’re tall’. I was now blushing like a cow. One of my uncles now said that they are waiting for me to bring a girlfriend to introduce to them. My smile turned to this

Then one of my aunty’s said that I must have turned into a boss. And that I must be Mr. Cash Money. I now opened my big mouth to say yesso.
Then another one now said that I should take her son out. I now said no problem. My sister now took advantage and said she will go too. I didn’t want to disappoint so I said okay. After few minutes of laughing, I told all of them to stop joking. Then they gave me the straightest face ever and said they were serious the whole time. My smile disappeared cos now, I had to take my sister and my cousin out for a treat.
We agreed that I’ll take them to ICM.
So thursday morning, I woke up early. My cousin slept over so my hopes that the thing would cancel were dashed. I got up at around 5 and began to think of how things will go. I was saving for something and I had already wasted a large amount of what I was saving mostly on bread and suya and some cables like that. I was still thinking of how I’ll make the money I needed for what I wanted to buy back and now I had to ‘treat’ these people.
I cried small sha
My sister and my cousin now woke up.They were so quick to get ready, after I told them we were leaving by 1.
Sha sha, 1 came and we left the house. I told them that they should start walking to one bus stop like that. My cousin now opened his mouth and said, ‘Eww, buses are gross’. I paused and asked him if he was mad. The boy now said that he doesn’t do buses that we should take a cab
I wanted to slap him but I calmed down.
So I stopped one cab sha.
The driver said that he would collect 1500 to take us to ICM. Omo see as tears roll down my eye.
I no vex sha. I now begged the guy to collect 300 but he didn’t gree. After about 10 minutes of trying to haggle or price, my guy Said he was collecting 1k last last.
When we now got to ICM, my sister was like we should see a movie first. I said okay.
The girl now said she wants to watch Hunger Games 2. I no vex. Me I wanted to watch cartoon or animation or whatever (Cloudy With A Chance of meatballs 2) and go to my house. So I went to the place where they pay. Cashier abi what do they call them.
I told the person there, 3 tickets for hunger ga… Before I said games, she said 3k. I gave her bad eye. Sharp sharp, I shouted ‘Ruby, come here’? That’s my sister. She came sha, I now searched her bag for my ID card and her own. My cousin didn’t bring his so… The cashier now said I should pay 2k. I said ehhn, can’t you see that this boy is a student. She was scared cos of my expression. She now said okay that I should pay 1,5. I smiled and paid.
I started walking towards the hall. Then the two goats said they want popcorn and a drink. I said okay, let’s go. We got there. My sister immediately asked ‘how much is sharwarma?’
I knocked her head fast. I now told the woman to bring 3 popcorn abi popcorns
She put the first one, I no gree carry am, I gave it to the person behind me on the line. I did the same thing for the next two people because I didn’t want to pay for popcorn.
The woman now vexed and told me that if I don’t carry the next popcorn she brings, she’ll vex. I now calmed down and collected it. So after that one, these children said they want a drink. I placed my hand on my chest and said, ‘Seyi, calm down’. I said okay and asked for 3 drinks.
The lady brought them and then I asked her for the price. She said everything was 3k.I laughed but paid sha.
We now entered the hall and started watching. The movie was actually interesting. I was really enjoying it. Then the end of the movie came and the idiot that wrote the film didn’t end it well. The end was too annoying. They used style style to be like Nollywood and did watch out for part 3 in one coded way. I was pissed and then I transferred aggression to my sister cos the movie was her idea. She was laughing the whole time cos to her, my venting was funny.
I was now like, oya, it’s enough, let’s go home.
These children now said they were hungry. I was busy looking around trying to locate the cheapest place.Next thing, my sister carried us to Spur.

I have never entered that place in my life

As we entered, one babe walked up and asked, ‘table for how many?’
My sister now said ‘three’.
Now when I saw this, I wanted to mad. I mean, if they can be doing table for this, table for that thing, their food can’t be cheap.
We now got one table sha.
When we sat, the babe gave us a food menu or whatever it’s called. One leather type like that. I had a straight face on.
When I opened it, I started seeing funny prices. I burst into laughter. I looked at my cousin’s face and my sister’s face and they were actually thinking of ordering something. I just laughed.
Next thing, I called one of the waiters. I was now like ‘ Emm chairman, sorry o, outside, I saw that you were doing promo and food is 1300’. The guy now said yes that the promo was on. I smiled.
Sha sha, I ordered food for my sister and cousin. The waiter now asked, ‘what of you, sir?’.
I told him I was fasting.
He said okay. He now said that we should pick drinks. My sister said she wants chapman. I looked in the menu and say that it was 1k. I kicked her leg under the table. My cousin also opened that his mouth to say that he wants cappuccino. I was like

I told the waiter not to mind her that he should bring coke and fanta for them.
Sha they brought their food. My sister got steak or whatver they call it and chips
My cousin got burger with steak and chips.

Seyi got nothing.

I watched them eat. Then we now asked for cutlery. Asin a fork and a knife.
Can you imagine that this retard waiter brought a fork and a weapon for us.

Look a that knife!
When we were done, you know how they bring bill in movies and in those ‘tush’ restaurants yeah?
They put the bill in front of me as if I was the daddy of everybody. The waiter now winked. I think she wanted me to drop a tip or something.
I gave her a smile and cursed her.
So I opened the thing and saw 4200. I smiled.

I asked my cousin to read what they wrote for me. He said 4200, I said okay. Alright. I wanted to excuse myself and run away but I chose to be a good boy.
I didn’t have change so it was either I drop 4k or 5k and the way things were looking, I wasn’t sure these guys would gimme change. And so I told my cousin to run outside and buy credit so we will have 200. He went sha and brought it. I now paid.
Immediately, I ran out and started walking towards the road. My sister again opened her mouth and said she wants to watch another movie. I looked at her like

She smiled and wanted to hug me. As she got closer to me, I opened my arms like I wanted to hug her and swung my right hand to give her the kind of IGBATI mum gave me the other day. Sadly, she dodged.
I told them it was time to go. Can you imagine that this boy I call my cousin opened that hole in his face and said we should take a cab?
I just smiled and started pushing him towards bus stop. I was like, you may be young son, but you’re ready. I forced my guy to enter sha.
We now entered. I used some wretched notes my suya guy gave me to pay the conductor. When I thought he thing worked, the guy gave me his best ‘you want to die’ face. I immediately brought out good money and paid. The guy didn’t give me my change sef but I didn’t want to argue. I’m still managing my ugly face.
Sha sha we got home. I sat outside and thought of my life.
The End
Moral lesson – If I choose to take you out, use your dirty head and be considerate.
Follow @SeyiSoneye


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