THE END

Haha, Fear Not. I’m not retiring like Justin Bieber. This is simply to thank everyone of you that has followed my blog or read any of my posts. Thank you for the follows, the likes, the comments, the subscribes, the views, the reads, the laughs, for everything. Thank you for helping me put smiles on those your faces. For those of you that laughed at all the slaps I’ve received in my life so far, the encounters with those fast evolving creatures, my funny experiences with various people and all, Thank you too. I may not have the most fans but I know I have the best.

Merry Christmas in arrears!!! I don’t know about you but I ate well. A small shout-out to all the chickens and turkeys resting in stink in our toilets, you guys would be remembered for as long as our stomach pains last.

Once again, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I wish you all a very Happy and Prosperous New Year in advance.

I Love You Guys So Much. God Bless You and Have A Great _________!!!!

I’ve included a ‘FOLLOW’ button on the sidebar. Look to your right, you should see it. Type your email address and click the ‘follow’button. That way, you never miss a post in the coming year and beyond. Bye!

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The Life and Times of Juniper HIM I

Long ago, in a land of constant power outages, lack of sufficient cartoons on TV, absence of internet connection and school  from 8 am to 3 pm, there lived a boy. His name, Juniper HIM. HIM was a normal boy. There was nothing spectacular about him. HIM was an introvert mainly because he was shy and stuff. He didn’t talk much. He was quiet, and smart too. In his class, HIM always came first or second. He didn’t come first or second just one time in primary 4 when a new girl came to his school and dazed everyone in the class.

HIM has been through a lot. He’s had many adventures. Most of which end in either embarrassment, pain, anger , disappointment and in some rare cases, happiness. That been said, it’s time for a cool story. Trust me, I’ve looked in a mirror and I’ve given myself the straightest face ever so don’t bother.

HAPPY ENDING?? 

The first lady placed a  large plate of fried plantain on the table in front of him. Him smiled and licked his lips. Another came in with an even wider plate with a full chicken on it and placed it next to the plantain. The second the ladies left, Him wasted no time in picking a piece of plantain. As the plantain slice neared his mouth, he felt the earth shake. It was an earthquake. Him ignored it and tried to get the plantain into his mouth but the earthquake intensified. It got more intense by the second. And then, Him felt a slap on his face. Turns out it was a dream, and the earthquake was Papa waking him up for school.
It was resumption day that morning. Him had been praying all summer that his seat partner must be Susan. Susan was a twin. Her twin sister was Sharon. Him didn’t like Sharon because each time he tried to speak to Susan, Sharon was always there and she never allowed a conversation go on. It was surprising to see ‘cockblocking’ at such a young age.
Him liked Susan. His young heart couldn’t handle love at that age so he was sure what he felt was ‘like’. He liked her for the dumbest reason on earth. She was beautiful and stuff but that wasn’t why Him liked her. Her handwriting. Her handwriting was AWESOME. Him saw a notebook on a desk once and flipped through it. The handwriting in the note was perfect. After checking the front of the note, Him found out it belonged to Susan. From that moment, Him was in love, or like with Susan.
Him didn’t waste time in getting ready for school that morning. His sister did but not so much. Papa dropped them off in school quite early and that was exactly what Him wanted.
Every resumption day in school, the class teachers arranged all the pupils in pairs on each desk in the class. Every pupil prayed and hoped they got paired with a friend or the crush. That morning, after the morning assembly, the class teacher of primary 5 Ruby, Miss E. ordered all the pupils to make two lines, one for girls and one for boys. When that was done, she began to pair the boys and girls up. She did it based on how they were lined up. Remember, Him is smart. So Him, counted the pupils on his line and the pupils in Susan’s line. After this, he positioned himself such that he would get paired with Susan. Eventually, he did. There’s no word to describe how excited he was.
By the first break, Susan and Him had started talking. This was shocking because Him wasn’t one to partake in an actual conversation, but now he was in a real conversation with the girl he loved, or liked. Their conversation was mainly about which of the Kids Next Door was the toughest and the Cramp Twins. The day went extremely well for Him. He got paired with the girl he loved, he was he only one that spelt ‘beginning’ properly during spelling and after school, he spent the time waiting for his Papa to pick him with Susan. Unfortunately, Papa came early that afternoon and so, Him’s time with Susan was short-lived.
The ride home was wonderful. Him replayed the whole day in his head. He didn’t even know when he got home until Papa gave him a perfectly weighted knock on his head. It didn’t hurt much cos his mind wasn’t there.
The day got even better when Him found out he was having fried plantain for lunch. Happy enough, the plantain seemed to never finish that afternoon. When Him was tired of eating, he went to the living room and slept on the floor. He dreamt about Susan and how the term was gonna go for them as seat partners. That day was definitely the best day if his life. There was nothing that could ruin it.
About 4 hours into his slumber, Mama woke Him up and told him to go to bed. She told him to take a piss first before going into bed. Him was half awake and so he wasn’t fully conscious of what was happening. He walked into the toilet, pulled his pee pee out and began to wee wee. Not too long into his wee wee ing, he felt the hardest slap ever on his left cheek. Immediately, he turned to see the source of the IGBATI. The wee wee was still flowing so when he turned around and saw Mama, the wee wee from his pee pee flowed majestically on Mama’s skirt suit, heehee. Him still wasn’t fully conscious. Two even heavier IGBATI’s after, Him regained consciousness. He looked around and realized what he had just done. He wasn’t in the toilet, he was in the kitchen, and he was wee wee-ing in the pressure cooker Mama placed on the floor when she was done making beans for dinner. My guy now made the biggest mistake of his life. He began to laugh. The last thing he saw that night was Mama with the most furious face ever as IGBATI’s incessantly landed on his young fine face until he blacked out.

And that the end of Him’s best day ever. Happy ending or Naah??

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT

Recall I said in the last post that a series was going on here, #DeathOfABigBoy to be specific. A wild thought came to mind earlier today and I’ve decided to make the series a monthly thing. By that I mean I’ll drop a post under the series every month. I said it’s a 5-part thing so that means the series would run from now till April 2014. Yep, I’m that crazy. I already dropped the first post in the series earlier this month so expect the remaining four in January, February, March and April 2014 respectively.
This doesn’t mean I’ll be posting just once a month till then. No worries. Be calm, ‘Shovelizing’ will go on. Cheers!

Wicked Children

No greetings. I’m not in a good mood. I’m very angry right now. Soon enough, you’ll know why.
No time to waste time so lemme just dive into it.

On Sunday, after church, we (that’s my dad, mum, my sister and me) went to grandma’s house. When we got there, we met practically the whole family. I didn’t know what was happening but since there was a lot of food and stuff, I didn’t care. So after greeting close to 15 people individually, I sat down and began to play Plants vs Zombies. I was there enjoying myself and then I noticed everyone turned their attention to me. I looked up and saw everybody smiling. Then I was like

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Then one by one, they began to say stuff like, ‘Ahh, Seyi, you’re a big boy now o. See how you’re tall’. I was now blushing like a cow. One of my uncles now said that they are waiting for me to bring a girlfriend to introduce to them. My smile turned to this

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Then one of my aunty’s said that I must have turned into a boss. And that I must be Mr. Cash Money. I now opened my big mouth to say yesso.
Then another one now said that I should take her son out. I now said no problem. My sister now took advantage and said she will go too. I didn’t want to disappoint so I said okay. After few minutes of laughing, I told all of them to stop joking. Then they gave me the straightest face ever and said they were serious the whole time. My smile disappeared cos now, I had to take my sister and my cousin out for a treat.
We agreed that I’ll take them to ICM.
So thursday morning, I woke up early. My cousin slept over so my hopes that the thing would cancel were dashed. I got up at around 5 and began to think of how things will go. I was saving for something and I had already wasted a large amount of what I was saving mostly on bread and suya and some cables like that. I was still thinking of how I’ll make the money I needed for what I wanted to buy back and now I had to ‘treat’ these people.
I cried small sha
My sister and my cousin now woke up.They were so quick to get ready, after I told them we were leaving by 1.
Sha sha, 1 came and we left the house. I told them that they should start walking to one bus stop like that. My cousin now opened his mouth and said, ‘Eww, buses are gross’. I paused and asked him if he was mad. The boy now said that he doesn’t do buses that we should take a cab
I wanted to slap him but I calmed down.
So I stopped one cab sha.
The driver said that he would collect 1500 to take us to ICM. Omo see as tears roll down my eye.
I no vex sha. I now begged the guy to collect 300 but he didn’t gree. After about 10 minutes of trying to haggle or price, my guy Said he was collecting 1k last last.
When we now got to ICM, my sister was like we should see a movie first. I said okay.
The girl now said she wants to watch Hunger Games 2. I no vex. Me I wanted to watch cartoon or animation or whatever (Cloudy With A Chance of meatballs 2) and go to my house. So I went to the place where they pay. Cashier abi what do they call them.
I told the person there, 3 tickets for hunger ga… Before I said games, she said 3k. I gave her bad eye. Sharp sharp, I shouted ‘Ruby, come here’? That’s my sister. She came sha, I now searched her bag for my ID card and her own. My cousin didn’t bring his so… The cashier now said I should pay 2k. I said ehhn, can’t you see that this boy is a student. She was scared cos of my expression. She now said okay that I should pay 1,5. I smiled and paid.
I started walking towards the hall. Then the two goats said they want popcorn and a drink. I said okay, let’s go. We got there. My sister immediately asked ‘how much is sharwarma?’
I knocked her head fast. I now told the woman to bring 3 popcorn abi popcorns
She put the first one, I no gree carry am, I gave it to the person behind me on the line. I did the same thing for the next two people because I didn’t want to pay for popcorn.
The woman now vexed and told me that if I don’t carry the next popcorn she brings, she’ll vex. I now calmed down and collected it. So after that one, these children said they want a drink. I placed my hand on my chest and said, ‘Seyi, calm down’. I said okay and asked for 3 drinks.
The lady brought them and then I asked her for the price. She said everything was 3k.I laughed but paid sha.
We now entered the hall and started watching. The movie was actually interesting. I was really enjoying it. Then the end of the movie came and the idiot that wrote the film didn’t end it well. The end was too annoying. They used style style to be like Nollywood and did watch out for part 3 in one coded way. I was pissed and then I transferred aggression to my sister cos the movie was her idea. She was laughing the whole time cos to her, my venting was funny.
I was now like, oya, it’s enough, let’s go home.
These children now said they were hungry. I was busy looking around trying to locate the cheapest place.Next thing, my sister carried us to Spur.

I have never entered that place in my life

As we entered, one babe walked up and asked, ‘table for how many?’
My sister now said ‘three’.
Now when I saw this, I wanted to mad. I mean, if they can be doing table for this, table for that thing, their food can’t be cheap.
We now got one table sha.
When we sat, the babe gave us a food menu or whatever it’s called. One leather type like that. I had a straight face on.
When I opened it, I started seeing funny prices. I burst into laughter. I looked at my cousin’s face and my sister’s face and they were actually thinking of ordering something. I just laughed.
Next thing, I called one of the waiters. I was now like ‘ Emm chairman, sorry o, outside, I saw that you were doing promo and food is 1300’. The guy now said yes that the promo was on. I smiled.
Sha sha, I ordered food for my sister and cousin. The waiter now asked, ‘what of you, sir?’.
I told him I was fasting.
He said okay. He now said that we should pick drinks. My sister said she wants chapman. I looked in the menu and say that it was 1k. I kicked her leg under the table. My cousin also opened that his mouth to say that he wants cappuccino. I was like

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I told the waiter not to mind her that he should bring coke and fanta for them.
Sha they brought their food. My sister got steak or whatver they call it and chips
My cousin got burger with steak and chips.

Seyi got nothing.

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I watched them eat. Then we now asked for cutlery. Asin a fork and a knife.
Can you imagine that this retard waiter brought a fork and a weapon for us.

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Look a that knife!
When we were done, you know how they bring bill in movies and in those ‘tush’ restaurants yeah?
They put the bill in front of me as if I was the daddy of everybody. The waiter now winked. I think she wanted me to drop a tip or something.
I gave her a smile and cursed her.
So I opened the thing and saw 4200. I smiled.

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I asked my cousin to read what they wrote for me. He said 4200, I said okay. Alright. I wanted to excuse myself and run away but I chose to be a good boy.
I didn’t have change so it was either I drop 4k or 5k and the way things were looking, I wasn’t sure these guys would gimme change. And so I told my cousin to run outside and buy credit so we will have 200. He went sha and brought it. I now paid.
Immediately, I ran out and started walking towards the road. My sister again opened her mouth and said she wants to watch another movie. I looked at her like

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She smiled and wanted to hug me. As she got closer to me, I opened my arms like I wanted to hug her and swung my right hand to give her the kind of IGBATI mum gave me the other day. Sadly, she dodged.
I told them it was time to go. Can you imagine that this boy I call my cousin opened that hole in his face and said we should take a cab?
I just smiled and started pushing him towards bus stop. I was like, you may be young son, but you’re ready. I forced my guy to enter sha.
We now entered. I used some wretched notes my suya guy gave me to pay the conductor. When I thought he thing worked, the guy gave me his best ‘you want to die’ face. I immediately brought out good money and paid. The guy didn’t give me my change sef but I didn’t want to argue. I’m still managing my ugly face.
Sha sha we got home. I sat outside and thought of my life.
The End
Moral lesson – If I choose to take you out, use your dirty head and be considerate.
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IGBATI

Hey Hey! How art thou brethren? Ye better be good. A lot of really annoying things have happened to me in recent times and of course, there’s no fun in keeping them to myself. This would be hell of a long post if I squeeze all these experiences into one post and so I decided to make it up into a theme. If you don’t know what a theme is, your case is quite sad. But then you can google it anyway.
I’m calling this theme #TheDeathOfTheBigBoy. It’s a 5-part thing so expect 5 hilarious but depressing stories.
With that off my plate, lemme just rant a little and leave you guys.
Sometime back, le me was chilling at home. My sister wasn’t home so I danced all day to my happy playlist and enjoyed being alone. After two hours of dancing and performing to a mirror, I fell asleep on the kitchen floor. How I slept there, I don’t understand. I dreamt about a land filled with dodo and ketchup, best dream ever.
Anyway, I eventually woke up and checked my watch for the time. It was 9:23pm. That meant my parents were home. And my sister -_-. I saw my sister across the kitchen, doing something. I was surprised that she didn’t wake me up. As I got up, my stomach began to rumble. Man was hungry. And lazy.
I walked up to her and mindlessly said, ‘I’m hungry, make food for me’. As I turned around to leave the kitchen, she asked, ‘What did you say?’. Now, I wasn’t fully awake so my vision wasn’t perfect. Thanks to this, I did to see the shocked, wtf look on her face. And so I answered in a loud voice, ‘Can’t you hear? I said make food for me’ and then I hissed and began to walk away. Two steps away, I felt a tap on my back. As I turned around, a heavy IGBATI landed on my left cheek. My face was like

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(For those who don’t know, an IGBATI is a mid-range hit which is performed by the swinging on the hand with your fingers spread out and connecting it with the face of a human being. In simpler terms, you’ve seen that Sharkeisha video yeah, that will give you an idea of what I’m talking about, but IGBATI’s aren’t as, but almost as devastating as that) Immediately, my vision became 20/20. I was about exclaiming in pain and then I saw the face. Turns out it was my mum.
I went to bed hungry that night. The End.

That’s all, Bye.
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