I Loved that Guy

Yup Yup, I’m back so early. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? you decide. As usual, I’ll ask how you guys are doing and as usual, y’all really don’t care. It’s all protocol. So how are you guys doing?? Great I hope. Before I dive into today’s rant, I want to wish someone close to me a happy birthday today. So Happy Birthday Deola!!!
Today’s rant is about someone close to me, well someone that used to be close to me. He’s late now, may his soul rest in peace. His name is, was Governor.
I met Governor, Christmas of 2011. That year, like most Christmases past, the whole family went to grandma’s house. Grandma was cool so the thought of going somewhere else to spend that special time of the year never crossed my mind.
When I said whole family, I meant whole family, like my dad’s siblings and their children. Anyway, this time, my family was the first to get to her house. It was the first time that happened. I guess mum’s incessant comments about leaving the house early to beat traffic was the main reason. When we got there, grandma, being grandma, had Amala and Gbegiri soup ready for us. My sister Ruby and I were about dashing to the kitchen to grab ourselves some food when grandma started with her prayers. If you’re Yoruba and you chill with your grandma a lot, you’ll know that when grandma prays, she prays. While she prayed, my dad’s siblings walked in with their children. Grandma began to generalize her prayers since she was now praying for a large group. This time, surprisingly, her prayers lasted only 42 minutes. That was seriously short by her standards. Immediately she was done praying for us, we all helped ourselves to a good heap of Amala, large bowls of Gbegiri soup and the biggest pieces of whatever meat was there. It was after eating I met Governor.
If you know Amala and any soup well, you’ll know the kind of satisfaction that comes with consuming a good deal of it.
When I was done eating, I went outside and sat on a bench. The weather was cool so I was having a good time. I began to look around when I was really comfortable with where I was seating. I looked to my left but there was really nothing to look at. As I glanced to my right, I caught eyes with him. He was soooo big. Kind of built but it was hard to judge. His eyes were cute and I felt somehow as our eyes met. I began to walk towards him. When I was close enough, I could tell from the way he looked that he was hungry and so I grabbed some food and fed him. I spent the rest of the day with Governor. We really didn’t talk. We just played around and took some pictures.
After some time, I went in to get my sister, Ruby. I introduced her to Governor and she seemed t like him too. The guy was too lovable and he was fun to be around. We got to grandma’s on Wednesday and Christmas was on Sunday.
Anytime I wasn’t with my cousins talking about school and shit people our age enjoy talking about, I was with Governor. A good number of my cousins that were there are older than me so 60% of the time, my opinion wasn’t really significant. Even Ruby’s opinions were more significant than mine majorly cos she could relate with the female cousins and cos she was pretty, to them sha.
Apart from Ruby and I, some of my cousins met Governor. Everyone liked the guy. He was fun and funny enough, he was quiet.
Christmas morning came and the whole house was was up early. We all thanked God for making us see another Christmas and for a great year. After this, as we all know, it was time to get down with food. I knew I was forgetting something but I didn’t know what for sure.
The chickens were the first to get ready. I stole a couple pieces while everyone was distracted, hid in the ante-room and ate them all alone. One of the chickens pecked on my pinky toe so I hoped it was her I was eating. Rice began to flow like water in the house. I ate about 4 plates and then it hit me, I forgot about Governor. When I was done resting after my eating, I walked out to go meet Governor. As I got to where he usually was, what I saw hurt me bad.
A group of men, 4 or thereabouts were tying Governor’s hands and legs. I was confused because I didn’t know what he could possibly do to deserve to go through such pain.
Tears began to roll down my cheeks. I didn’t want to look weak and so the second I heard my sister and my cousins approaching the scene I wiped my tears and put on a hard face. Most of them began to cry.
Before y’all begin to judge me and conclude that I’m gay and stuff, y’all should pause and get it in your heads that GOVERNOR is a COW. Yup, those herbivores. He’s not a brother cos there’s no way I’ll say stuff like ‘he’s soooo big’ or ‘his eyes were cute’ about a fellow brother. Now that you know that, lemme continue with my story.
As I was saying, my sister and some of my cousins were crying. It was really painful stuff. One of the men slit his throat slowly as if he knew the sight hurt all of us. After the men drained Governor of all his blood, they inserted a pump in his ass and began to pump him. I wanted to stop them but I knew it was a hopeless something. I watched in pain as they beat the shit out of him, literally. Yup, shit came out of his ass as they banged on his stomach. When they were done with their evil, we all went in and began to watch tv. The whole place was silent. Apart from the sound of women cooking, there was no sound in the house. The pain and hurt was too intense.
Few hours later, my mum walked in with a bowl of meat. The aroma was amazing and so I was determined to eat the most meat. As she set the bowl on a table in the center of the room, it didn’t take me up to a second to grab 3 large pieces. When we were done with all the meat in the bowl, two more bowls appeared. We ate and ate and ate till we could eat no more.
With our stomachs filled, everyone sat in weird positions lazily and waited for he food to digest. And that was when dad walked in and began to laugh. One of my cousins asked him why he was laughing and he told us we were wicked.
Initially, I thought he was talking about us finishing the meat and leaving nothing for him. That’s when he told us what we didn’t want to know. He told us we were eating Governor.

Silence fell all across the room. I could feel the guilt in the building. I felt really bad. I felt like a serious sly. Slowly, one by one, everyone in the room began to laugh. We laugh for about 3 minutes and ehn I finally spoke and said, ‘Is there any Governor left?’

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