This Life Though

I’m back again. This is going to be a very brief something.
As each day passes, I see stuff that gets me thinking. The world is a very funny place.
One night in school, I was tired of staying in playing FIFA. Majorly cos I was losing to everyone that came my way. I decided to go out, take an evening stroll and think about my life. I prayed not to bump into anyone I knew because I wasn’t in the mood. All I wanted was to be alone with my thoughts.
So there I was, walking, thinking about my life. I was looking at the floor the whole time when suddenly I bumped into a girl. She had some books in her arm and when I hit her, they fell to the ground. I went down, picked her books and handed them to her. The next thing to do here was to go romantic like they do in movies. By this, I mean stare into her eyes for a few seconds, start a conversation, offer to carry her books as I escort her back to her hall.
But naaaah, I wasn’t interested. This hurt me cos she was one of those fine girls that on a normal day, it’ll take a lot of guts and some luck to get acquainted to. I just handed the books to her, apologized as I walked away and hoped the simple apology will suffice. I continued my stroll but this time I was looking up. There was no way I’d risk bumping into someone else.
About two minutes later, I saw something that really got me thinking. I saw one skinny guy lift one humongasaur-like female. Forgive me but that’s the best way to describe how large the girl was. He lifted her almost effortlessly. It wouldn’t have been a big deal if he simply lifted her and dropped her immediately but homeboy held her up for about 5 seconds. I wanted to shoot myself. I was so furious.
I stopped where I was for some seconds and decided to turn back and head for my room. Yes, I was that angry. The annoying thing about it all was that I had seen that guy somewhere else in a scenario almost like the one I’d just seen.

Sometime back, a couple months from that night, I was on my way to the cafeteria from class. A lecturer called me and two other boys to his car. Homeboy was one of the other two boys he called. The man opened the trunk of his truck and told us to carry some wooden seats. Now these weren’t normal wooden seats. They looked really professional. I could tell they were heavy.
I got the first of the seats and was instructed to carry it to the 2nd floor. I sincerely wanted to slap the man when he mentioned the 2nd floor. As I lifted the seat, I let out a loud fart. The thing was seriously heavy. I dropped it immediately and stretched my back. I bent down again and tried to lift the seat. No luck. Thanks to some girls that were passing by, I got the strength to lift the seat on the 5th try.
After a lot of struggling and sweating, I finally made it to he 2nd floor. I couldn’t feel my back when I dropped the seat. You need to see how I cursed the man as I went downstairs. On my way down, I saw homeboy. The idiot was seriously struggling. He looked like he was going to die if he took another step. I decided to form Mr Nice Guy and so I offered to help him. On a normal day, I’m sure he’ll decline but he accepted my offer so fast. We both carried the seat to the room we were supposed to drop it and parted ways. I marked homeboys face and laughed at him in my mind.

As I walked back to my hall, the whole thing played in my head.

The world is a funny place. A boy that couldn’t carry a seat lifted a girl that definitely weighs roughly three-times the seat. It all comes down to interest. Well, It is well with all of us in Jesus’ name.

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Between The Last Time Arsenal Won A Trophy And Now

Okay okay. I know I said this post was going to be the end of the story in my previous post but things came up and I had to change my mind.
On many occasions with my friends, we talk about soccer. Most of the time, it’s about comparing the teams we support and criticizing whatever teams are involved. In all of this, one club always comes up. Arsenal. Arsenal is a special football club. Apart from Liverpool, the club happens to be my second best team in The English League. No one should take offense in what they’re about to read. It’s all truth so all forms of pain and anger should be kept to self.
I said Arsenal Is a special club because in the past 9-10 years, they haven’t lifted an important trophy and that’s disappointing for a club of their reputation. By general football standards, they’re a top team because of their history but by the standards of we fans, their trophy drought is shitty. This post is not to criticize the club. It’s simply to tell you guys what I’ve achieved between the last time Arsenal lifted a trophy and now.
It’s almost a decade now and I’ve achieved a lot. I’ll start by dropping 5 fun facts about Arsenal fans and then I’ll go into all that I’ve achieved between the last time Arsenal lifted a trophy and now. After that, you’ll see stuff that has happened to the world during this period.

1. Arsenal fans are patient people. They strongly believe that one day, hopefully this season, the club will lift an important trophy.
2. No Arsenal fan has tweeted ‘Champions of anything’ in the past 9-10 years. This is sad stuff because fans of clubs like Birmingham, Wigan, Celtic, and Enyimba have tweeted it
3. Arsenal fans do not know how it feels to brag about a football club.
4. Arsenal fans believe Mesut Özil is Jesus.
5. Arsenal fans find it hard to believe that football clubs spend over 40million in purchasing a player.
6. They believe patience is the cure to cancer and HIV.
7. They believe soccer isn’t all about winning trophies. They feel it’s about passion.

And now, on to what I’ve achieved between the last time Arsenal won a trophy and now.

1. I started and finished secondary school.
2. I saw two eclipses.
3. I broke up with Rihanna, twice. .
4. I met hundreds of new people.
5. I got into University.
6. I grew bear bear.
7. I saw the Nigerian national team win a trophy.
8. I created Life Of Shovel.
9. I’ve tweeted about the club I support winning the CL once, Liga twice and many other trophies.
10. I learnt how to ride a dragon.

What happened in the world.
1. Twitter came into existence.
2. Nigeria changed its President.
3. The world lost Michael Jackson, Steve Jobs and Whitney Houston
4. Miley Cyrus did a 180.
5. Dances like Azonto, Skelewu, Dougie, Jerk and Cat-daddy were invented.
6. The royal baby was born.
7. Gaddafi and Osama Bin Laden left the world.
8. 8 different Christmases have been celebrated.
9. Two playstations were invented.
10. The United States got a black president.
11. Yakubu broke the hearts of millions of Nigerians.
12. Enough fashion trends came and have left.
13. Windows 8
14. ICM was built.
15. This one bothers me a lot: There was nothing like a tab the last time Arsenal won shit, I think.

No offense to the Arsenal fans out there. As I said, Arsenal is one of my best football clubs.

What have you achieved between the last time Arsenal won a major trophy and now?? Lemme know.

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I Loved that Guy

Yup Yup, I’m back so early. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? you decide. As usual, I’ll ask how you guys are doing and as usual, y’all really don’t care. It’s all protocol. So how are you guys doing?? Great I hope. Before I dive into today’s rant, I want to wish someone close to me a happy birthday today. So Happy Birthday Deola!!!
Today’s rant is about someone close to me, well someone that used to be close to me. He’s late now, may his soul rest in peace. His name is, was Governor.
I met Governor, Christmas of 2011. That year, like most Christmases past, the whole family went to grandma’s house. Grandma was cool so the thought of going somewhere else to spend that special time of the year never crossed my mind.
When I said whole family, I meant whole family, like my dad’s siblings and their children. Anyway, this time, my family was the first to get to her house. It was the first time that happened. I guess mum’s incessant comments about leaving the house early to beat traffic was the main reason. When we got there, grandma, being grandma, had Amala and Gbegiri soup ready for us. My sister Ruby and I were about dashing to the kitchen to grab ourselves some food when grandma started with her prayers. If you’re Yoruba and you chill with your grandma a lot, you’ll know that when grandma prays, she prays. While she prayed, my dad’s siblings walked in with their children. Grandma began to generalize her prayers since she was now praying for a large group. This time, surprisingly, her prayers lasted only 42 minutes. That was seriously short by her standards. Immediately she was done praying for us, we all helped ourselves to a good heap of Amala, large bowls of Gbegiri soup and the biggest pieces of whatever meat was there. It was after eating I met Governor.
If you know Amala and any soup well, you’ll know the kind of satisfaction that comes with consuming a good deal of it.
When I was done eating, I went outside and sat on a bench. The weather was cool so I was having a good time. I began to look around when I was really comfortable with where I was seating. I looked to my left but there was really nothing to look at. As I glanced to my right, I caught eyes with him. He was soooo big. Kind of built but it was hard to judge. His eyes were cute and I felt somehow as our eyes met. I began to walk towards him. When I was close enough, I could tell from the way he looked that he was hungry and so I grabbed some food and fed him. I spent the rest of the day with Governor. We really didn’t talk. We just played around and took some pictures.
After some time, I went in to get my sister, Ruby. I introduced her to Governor and she seemed t like him too. The guy was too lovable and he was fun to be around. We got to grandma’s on Wednesday and Christmas was on Sunday.
Anytime I wasn’t with my cousins talking about school and shit people our age enjoy talking about, I was with Governor. A good number of my cousins that were there are older than me so 60% of the time, my opinion wasn’t really significant. Even Ruby’s opinions were more significant than mine majorly cos she could relate with the female cousins and cos she was pretty, to them sha.
Apart from Ruby and I, some of my cousins met Governor. Everyone liked the guy. He was fun and funny enough, he was quiet.
Christmas morning came and the whole house was was up early. We all thanked God for making us see another Christmas and for a great year. After this, as we all know, it was time to get down with food. I knew I was forgetting something but I didn’t know what for sure.
The chickens were the first to get ready. I stole a couple pieces while everyone was distracted, hid in the ante-room and ate them all alone. One of the chickens pecked on my pinky toe so I hoped it was her I was eating. Rice began to flow like water in the house. I ate about 4 plates and then it hit me, I forgot about Governor. When I was done resting after my eating, I walked out to go meet Governor. As I got to where he usually was, what I saw hurt me bad.
A group of men, 4 or thereabouts were tying Governor’s hands and legs. I was confused because I didn’t know what he could possibly do to deserve to go through such pain.
Tears began to roll down my cheeks. I didn’t want to look weak and so the second I heard my sister and my cousins approaching the scene I wiped my tears and put on a hard face. Most of them began to cry.
Before y’all begin to judge me and conclude that I’m gay and stuff, y’all should pause and get it in your heads that GOVERNOR is a COW. Yup, those herbivores. He’s not a brother cos there’s no way I’ll say stuff like ‘he’s soooo big’ or ‘his eyes were cute’ about a fellow brother. Now that you know that, lemme continue with my story.
As I was saying, my sister and some of my cousins were crying. It was really painful stuff. One of the men slit his throat slowly as if he knew the sight hurt all of us. After the men drained Governor of all his blood, they inserted a pump in his ass and began to pump him. I wanted to stop them but I knew it was a hopeless something. I watched in pain as they beat the shit out of him, literally. Yup, shit came out of his ass as they banged on his stomach. When they were done with their evil, we all went in and began to watch tv. The whole place was silent. Apart from the sound of women cooking, there was no sound in the house. The pain and hurt was too intense.
Few hours later, my mum walked in with a bowl of meat. The aroma was amazing and so I was determined to eat the most meat. As she set the bowl on a table in the center of the room, it didn’t take me up to a second to grab 3 large pieces. When we were done with all the meat in the bowl, two more bowls appeared. We ate and ate and ate till we could eat no more.
With our stomachs filled, everyone sat in weird positions lazily and waited for he food to digest. And that was when dad walked in and began to laugh. One of my cousins asked him why he was laughing and he told us we were wicked.
Initially, I thought he was talking about us finishing the meat and leaving nothing for him. That’s when he told us what we didn’t want to know. He told us we were eating Governor.

Silence fell all across the room. I could feel the guilt in the building. I felt really bad. I felt like a serious sly. Slowly, one by one, everyone in the room began to laugh. We laugh for about 3 minutes and ehn I finally spoke and said, ‘Is there any Governor left?’

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My Gboff Story

Hello People! It just dawned on me that I skipped greetings in my recent posts. For whoever was upset by this, my sincere apologies to you. Anyway, today, I’m going to be telling you guys a story of how I got gboffed. For me it’s a painful story. Painful because I didn’t expect it to happen and the way it happened was….. Lemme skip this gist and go to the main thing. I should have posted this way back but I totally forgot about it.

My first time getting gboffed was in secondary school. I was in jss1 that time.

Lemme start by explaining what Gboff means. Gboff is a verb. It is an art. You can gboff someone or get gboffed. To gboff or get gboffed simply means to reject or get rejected. That being said, our story begins here.

One Saturday afternoon, I decided to go to my class and study a little (It was a boarding school). As I got to my class, I saw a certain girl there. She was on my seat, head down, scribbling something. I loved my seat and I didn’t like it when anybody sat in it. I walked up to her and tapped her.  She lifted her head up and stared at me with the cutest dark brown eyes ever.

I opened my mouth to tell her I wanted her off my seat but the words couldn’t come out. She was so pretty. Her hair was short so I could see every part of her face. I tried to speak but nothing came out. So there I was, mouth open, just looking at a girl who looked back at me with such beautiful eyes. My face was like

shocked

After two minutes of awkward silence, I covered my face and ran away. I didn’t stop running until I got to another class that was far away. There, I sat down and began to think. And then I felt it. Something inside me began to stir. The only time I’d ever had that feeling was when my dad handed me a Nintendo DS for my 10th birthday. That feeling was love yo. I’d seen the girl around a couple times but not up close.

I immediately purposed in my heart to do whatever it took to get the girl. So on the spot, I took out a piece of paper and a pen and began to plan. I wrote every trick I knew. From giving her all my food to doing stupid things so she’ll fancy me for my humor.

When I was done, I went about asking seniors I was close to for tips. Remember Senior G?? He gave me tips too. Most of the tips the seniors gave me seemed farfetched and so I thought of the cheesiest thing ever.

I had this French-English dictionary I never used. I decided to use it to write a love letter to her in French. I brainstormed on the idea. When I felt it was going to be the perfect thing to do, I started my letter. Every free time I had, I picked my dictionary and matched up French words. Days passed and I was finally done with my letter. I finished it on a Sunday. My plan was to give her the next day in class and then it hit me…………………………… How was I going to give her? She probably didn’t know I existed.

I got on my bed and began to think of different tactics. I knew I didn’t have the confidence to give her myself. I thought of giving someone to give her but I didn’t want anyone to know about my feelings for her. I finally decided to slip it into her locker. Uncanny it may seem, but hey, I was young.

So that Sunday night, we were supposed to have a service in the school hall. I felt that was going to be the best time to plant the note.

That Sunday was seriously slow. I was wondering why God was making me wait so long. I didn’t know he was giving me a lot of time to think of the possible consequences of what I was about to do.

Night finally came. During the service, I lied to the teacher at the main door that I wanted to use the toilet. Once he believed, I ran to my class. It was dark so I felt my way to her locker, slipped the note into it and ran back to the service.

That night, after the service, I wanted to kill myself. I wasn’t sure I wanted her to see the letter but then I wanted her to know I liked her. I had a hard time falling asleep and so I spent the whole night thinking of what could happen.

Morning finally came.  I was ready and dressed by the time the hostel gates were opened. I hurried to my class because I wanted to be there when she saw the letter. After about two hours of waiting, everyone finally came to class. (I didn’t go for the morning assembly).

She sat down and began to talk to her friend. I was just there, my heart in my mouth, waiting for her to open her locker. I almost shit myself. Finally after what felt like years, she opened her locker. The next five seconds were tense. Well supposed to be. Minutes passed and nothing happened. I was confused because I was sure I planted the note in her locker. And then it dawned on me………… I had placed the letter in the wrong locker.

The worst thing was that I put the letter in the locker of a particular girl I hated so much. My whole life played in my head. There was no way I could get the letter out because her locker was locked and she was there. The only way I could get the letter was if she opened her locker.

My plan was to rush and grab the letter the second she opens her locker. She finally opened it and the worst happened; she picked the letter and began to unfold it. Almost immediately, I sprang up and ran to grab the letter. She noticed me coming and dodged to avoid me. I hit her and fell, but she didn’t. So there I was, on the floor. And then she began to read the letter.

She knew French so she got the concept of the letter. When she was done, she looked at me in disgust. I smiled and concluded that I was going to pretend the letter was for her so she could give me back and I could re-plant it in the right locker. And then the worst happened.

As I got to my feet, she began to abuse me at the top of her voice, ‘Useless boy, the Lord and the hosts of heaven forbid. I can never like you’. My face was like this initially,

Snapshot_20130925_6

mainly because the letter was never meant for her. I tried to calm her down and explain that I was joking but she went on. Before I could do anything, everyone around began to laugh. I was so embarrassed. Everyone had watched her destroy me, even the girl that the letter was meant for. Sadly enough, she had shouted the content of the letter out so everyone knew what was in the letter.

I felt I had nothing to lose and so I grabbed the letter and walked up to the girl I liked. I started by saying, ‘Since that day I saw you on my seat, I’ve always liked you’. Then I gave her the letter. ‘This is meant for you’, I said, with the most dashing smile ever. I turned to return to my seat but I didn’t feel I had achieved anything and so I asked her, ‘Do you like me?’

The next words, word actually, I heard remains one of the words I would hate forever.

‘NEVER’. Sad enough, she shouted it at the top of her voice so the embarrassment was too sure. My legs wanted to give way but I stood strong. I forced myself to say, ‘Just read the letter’, to which she replied, ‘No, I don’t like you and I don’t think I want to like you’. I wanted to die when I heard this. All I could think of was

I messed up

Now that I’m thinking of it, I sorta got double-gboffed. Oh well, Life goes on.

And this brethren, is my Gboff Story.

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