Meet The Family

HEEELLLLLLLOOOOOO!!!!!! That was a long Hello because I’m sooooo Excited. My blog views are increasing rapidly and I didn’t expect that. I’m really proud of myself. God bless you all for the views and RT’s. Oh yeah, I’m sorry I changed the name of the blog, I wasn’t liking the previous one. This post is about to begin and it’s quite long so I would advise you to stop whatever you’re doing, get something to keep your mouth busy, lean back and enjoy.

Today, I’m going to be introducing my family. Most of my experiences would not have happened without them sooooo you have to know them.

My family is a beautiful one with beautiful people. We are only four – My dad, My mum, my sister and yours truly, me. We might not be as big as many other families but we have a lot of fun. You’ll be shocked how much there is about each of us. I should start with my dad because he’s the originator of all this.

My dad is superman. Cool, calm and such a nice guy. Mr. Man-In-Charge (Forget what he did two posts back) And he can do anything. Drive, eat, sleep, talk, walk, everything you can possibly imagine. As I said in my first post , he’s the only one in the house that eats more than one piece of chicken or meat, well more than two now that everyone is older. With these traits, there’s no surprise he got the attention of one nice babe a.k.a My mum. I don’t like him at times because when the whole family is out, he gets the attention of all the ladies (all ages). Apparently, they feel he’s way more handsome than I am. Painful stuff. 😦

Anyway, as I said earlier, my dad is a cool guy. He doesn’t make noise, he’s not grumpy, he’s just cool. That’s until you mess with him. This man is one of the few people who are really hard piss off. But from experience, I’ve discovered only two ways to get him angry.

The first way is lying. This man don’t mess with that. If you do something wrong, he’ll just call you, sit you down and calmly ask you if and why you did whatever. If you say yes and you’re being truthful, he’ll scold you, on few occasions, do something minor to punish you and then tell you not to repeat such things. Then if you feel like ‘James bond’ or Jackie chan’ and try to play smart, your own has finished. The man will just play along, wait for you to finish your lie and then point out the fact that you’re lying. At this point, if you surrender and confess, you’ll get the same treatment as the person who confesses immediately. then if you now feel like a ‘further James Bond’,  whatever happens next would be something you won’t see coming. My point is, don’t lie to the man.

Number two is laziness. This one annoys me because for some reason, I’m always a culprit. The problem is if I’m told to do something and it can clearly be done at a later time, I just say okay and postpone whatever it is to that later time. My dad just doesn’t understand this concept. He wants whatever he tells you to do to be done immediately. Earlier in my life, he’ll just tell me to stop whatever im doing and get to work on what he asked me to do. But now, the man won’t rush me. He just comes to my room, picks something dear to me or turns off any device and walks out. The one he enjoys the most is turning off games just when I’m in the middle of saving. He comes in, tells me to pause what I’m playing and go to work. And me, feeling like a sharp guy, would tell him that the game can’t pause and that I have to save (some lie). So he just stands there, waits for me to start saving and then turns the switch off. If you have some gaming experience, you should know that if you turn off any game console when a game file is saving, that file gets corrupted (in simpler english, that file is gone, like it can’t work anymore). Its equivalent to putting glue in a girls’ hair (Yes it’s that painfu). That’s one thing that can bring me to tears unfortunately. All in all, my dad is awesome.

Next is, My mum. Her name is ‘mummy’. My mum is like every other african mum but with some special traits of her own. She’s tooo caring, enjoys over-feeding people, she can taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllkkk and the most depressing, she can send. I can describe my mum in different ways. there’s mumwhenshewantsyoutodosomething, mumwhenshe’shappywith you, and mumwhenyougetherangry.

mumwhenshewantsyoutodosomething is just too funny. She came alive when I got into high school. She would just walk slowly to where I am, sit beside me, start hugging me, and drop her trademark line, smiling, ‘Seyi, hmmm, I’ll miss you o. This one that you’re going to school soon. I won’t be seeing your fine face again’. Once she drops that line, I just look at her like -_____________________- and ask her what she wants. Then she goes, ‘*sigh* My ________ is _______, I need you to help me ________________’. At this point, I just shake my head and say okay. And then she walks away, happy with herself.

mumwhenshe’shappywith you is heaven. This is the time I ask her for most of the things I want. She also prepares unbelievable meals when she’s in this state. It’s all smiles when mum is in this mode.

Then there’s mumwhenyougetherangry. mumwhenyougetherangry is annoying. Scary at times. She doesn’t give a damn about what you have to say. She just goes on and on and on. And she can send. By this, I mean work. The woman can tell you to do 2134521342134 things. You do 2134512342133 and she would complain about that 1 you didn’t do. If you love your ears, just don’t say anything to her. mumwhenyougetherangry has the greatest retentive memory. She brings up one mistake you made ten years ago and dwells on it for days. Its easy at times to get mum into this mode. It’s either you don’t clean the house, you do the exact opposite of what she told you to do, you clean the house and leave a tiny spot undone or by far the worst, you mess her kitchen up. You don’t want mess with her kitchen yo. The less said about that, the better.

All those three modes make up mum. True she can be funny at times, but nobody’s perfect. My life would be upside-down without her. Too much love for her.

Third is me, but let’s skip me and move to my sister.  Her own name is Bukola. Most people call her ‘Bukky’. I call her ‘Ruby’. My sister is my sister. That’s just how it is. I’m secretly mad at her because like my dad, she gets most of the attention. People believe she’s pretty and all but I don’t seem to understand how. Unlike many boys, I don’t have a brother so my fighting moments are with my sister. No day is complete until we fight, that’s if were both home. These fights happen naturally on a daily basis. On days when it seems we won’t fight, one of us walks to the other and proposes a fight. Now these fights never make sense but that’s just how life is. We fight over things like who’s supposed to cook, who does the dishes, who gets to hug mum first when she gets back from work, who gets the crispier pieces of dodo (that’s plantain. We don’t joke with that thing)  and the common one, who gets the remote. We forced my dad to get wi-fi since we used to fight over one modem we had.

I’ve been saying what we fight over and over again and I’ve not told you how we fight. Most of our fights take place in the sitting room. Like we both go there when its time to fight. Ruby gets on the couch, lies on her back, puts her legs up while I stand, facing the legs with my hands stretched forward. Once were both in position, she begins to kick and my aim is to hold her legs and give her some sexy knocks on her head. It might sound easy but Ruby kicks good. She’s good in athletics so you should understand how powerful those legs should be. The winner is decided when one party gives up or when one of her kicks gets me on the floor. After this, we move into the mental phase of our fight which is also the final stage of our fight.

In this phase, both parties retire to nurse whatever bruises were obtained during the first phase. The phase can start in two different ways. We use the first way if there is no light (electricity) and the other if there is light. The first way is actually boring and the whole fight mostly ends here. Here, both off us pick our phones and just use them till the phone batteries run out. Your battery runs out first, you lose.  We kick off the second way when one person gets hold of the remote. That person then switches to any music channel. If the other person likes the song/music video playing and is singing along, the ‘remote holder’ flips the channel to another music channel. and if the other person doesn’t like the song/music video playing, both parties watch that song/music video to the end. This round is basically motivated by pain. Pain of the other person enjoying a song/music video. It ends when there is no useful song/music video playing because the ‘remote holder’ flips to any channel of her choice. I said her choice because I have never won this round. Because of this, I have adept knowledge on many of those reality, fashion and lifestyle shows (Yeah ladies, I get what you talk about most of the time) The overall winner is determined when one party breaks the silence with verbal attack. I win this of the time though.

We fight most of the time. During the little time we don’t, she tells me stuff. Whenever were together and there’s nothing fun to do, she begins to tell me some of her funny experiences in school. Like how people have different ways of expressing pain. I don’t tell her much and that pisses her off. Then we have this scary thing of laughing at the same time when people who don’t know us much say were so calm. I make it look like I don’t care about her when I actually do. She’s not supposed to know because she would definitely take advantage. Funny girl.

I won’t say anything about me and leave that for later. That’s most of what there is about my family, I hope you loved it. And this time I actually care if you enjoyed it. Till next time brethren. Follow @SeyiSoneye . Shovel out!

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