Elevator with a Stranger

Not being claustrophobic sure made things a bit more comfortable however I was still in a very unsettled state of mind. 

I’d seen many movies with this exact same scenario; with most of them not ending really well. And so, it made sense that I would be scared, confused and worried about my life. 

Being stuck in an elevator is something I wouldn’t have ruled out happening, considering the state of electrical power supply in this country is abysmal, mostly. But, being stuck in one with a total stranger who looked very suspect? I didn’t see that coming.

Every other time I visited my friend in her building, I always took the stairs. Not because I was scared of elevators, but because I didn’t even know there was one in the building.  

On this particular day, my chest felt the need to inconvenience me big time so walking alone was tough, talk less of walking up 12 flights of stairs. So, when I finally found out there was an elevator in the building, I was grateful to the gods of perfect and convenient timing. 

After seeing Get Out, which by the way, in my opinion, was a very daft movie – I’ve never seen a more naive black man in my life. Shame. This isn’t a movie review but words can’t describe how pissed I was after wasting 2 hours of my time watching that filth ~rant over~ – white people became proper suspect to me. They’ve been very sus prior to but Get Out intensified things. (Racist much?? Nah. For the next 3 minutes, try not to be woke please) 
Yeah, this would’ve made for a decent story uno, butttttt, trust me to come through with that early morning disappointment ✌ 

I’m going to be posting my drafts actually; some complete, some incomplete. Beats not putting anything out. Stay tuned. 

There’s Really Nothing in this Life for the Beardless 

 

Before I begin –

1) Yes, it’s 2017. Yes, you would think beard talk isn’t a thing anymore. Yes, I don’t care. Yes, I’m triggered.

2) Agreed, it’s wrong to call the name of the Lord in vain but,

GOD.

Some weeks back, I was bored at home and decided to go see Kong, which by the way is awesome. Got to the cinema and Kong was showing 3 hours later. To while away time, I got a ticket to see Beauty and the Beast since it was starting in 10 minutes and was going to end 20 minutes before Kong.

This is not a review of the movie. Neither is it a critique of the movie (those two words mean the same thing, or their close in meaning, no? Okay). One thing I would say is, Beauty and the Beast is a laptop movie (which makes me wonder how on Earth it has grossed over $1bn. I’m not even joking °°

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Disney really isn’t your favs mate b °°)

I don’t regret seeing it though, much. But I would have been happier if I didn’t see it at all. Not because it was boring or cheesy or useless, but because of a simple string of words Belle uttered. 

The movie started and everything was going fine. I wasn’t annoyed with the singing; half expected it. Lowkey remembered most of the songs, but you don’t need to know that since I constantly say I’m a hard guy. It’s a live action remake, and so there wasn’t going to be much difference from the cartoon we watched growing up.

Finally got to the end of the movie and everyone was happy. It wasn’t a bad movie…….. Until the final scene.

If you don’t know, Beauty and the Beast is in one sentence about a girl that falls in love with a beast, an actual beast, because he has money. Not even joking. Girls have been finessing men since the 90’s people, stay woke –story for another day–.

No really, that’s what the movie is about. At the end, Beast turns back into a handsome prince or something. He’s clean shaven and looks very alright and proper.

Here, the ideal thing, sensible thing even, would be for Belle (the finesser) to be happy-ier that Beast is now a proper man; because who in their right senses would prefer a Beast? Unfortunately, the answer to that is Belle and here’s why. I can’t remember the exact words but this is what happened.

So Belle and Beast (now a man) are dancing, smiling, everyone in the room is dancing. My man Lumiere was definitely the happiest in the room cos now he can give his babe what she’s been craving for daysss 🌚 Everyone is happy. And then Belle says to Beast and I guess-quote
‘What do you think about a beard??’

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Most people probably didn’t hear her say it, or ignored it, but I didn’t. Do you understand the depth of that statement? Like if you deep it, you would be….hash-tag shoooook doesn’t even properly describe the feeling. You mean, my man just turned back into a man, lost all the hair, his horns and ugliness; he’s now looking good and clean shaven and the first thing you think of is a beard?

I wasn’t triggered because I don’t have a proper beard. I have decent facial hair and if it isn’t enough for you, that’s your personal problem. It just hurts to know that these women won’t fully accept you if you don’t have a beard. Explains a lot tbh.

Women really are scum. Scummier than men and that says something because menaskom.

But Damn.

There’s really nothing in this life for the beardless.

Dummies Guide to Handling BrokeTown

I remember leaving BrokeTown some months ago. My fellow townsmen told me I’d be back but I called them peasants and bounced away with my ‘shoulders carried up’. In retrospect, I wish I didn’t do that.

Cos now I’m baaaaaccckkk. Yup yup. Back to BrokeTown babyyy! Won’t lie, I low-key missed this place, lowest of keys.

The thing about being here is, it helps you discover your true personality. Like me for example, I used to think I was an ambivert, since I exhibited both introverted and extroverted personality traits; but BrokeTown helped me realize that’s not who I am. My personality is apparently directly proportional to my account balance.

Basically 👇

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Never have there been wiser words!

I’ve been back for a while, but it’s been a breeze in breeze out thing. But, I’m officially b a c k.

Moving on. Whilst sitting on the floor, after I got back home from a long day of  relatively reckless splurging, I started to think about my life. Things were going to change. I’d been an extrovert for quite a while so handling (the looming) introvertedness seemed like it was going to be hell.

Few minutes later and I’d come up with some tips. Out of the goodness of my heart, I’ve decided to share them, because there may be someone out there who’s joining us soon.

Mind you, this is a guide for ‘handling’ not ‘leaving’. We don’t want to lose you uno, sooo-

1. Become an Introvert

This is the most important thing to do, immediately you step into BrokeTown. Funny actually, cos you really don’t have a choice. When you’re an introvert, your fundical™ status doesn’t matter much. Just be able to afford at least 2 meals a day and you’re good.

2. Don’t go out

If you’re not taking out the trash, or going to church, or work, (which has to be walking distance since you dare not splurge on luxuries like fuel for a car or public transport {who are you to be entering motor cars, who are you?}) I don’t know what you’re doing outside. Going out costs money. And you don’t have that. So enjoy your house. Or room. Or wherever.

3. You can’t afford to have debit-alert friends

Some friends don’t have sense. Bulk of what they add to your life is debit-alerts. You need to temporarily unfriend such friends, as they’ll lead you to abject poverty. Friend that will be telling you things like ‘let’s go turn up’; that’s not a friend for Broketown beloved.

4. Relationship?

Lmaooo nahhh. If you’re a babe, you’re lucky., since it’s easier for you to get away with not spending much in a relationship (albeit temporarily). But if you happen to be a guy like me,  don’t do this to yourself ma g. I’m not saying relationships have to be expensive but sometimes, many times, you have to spoil your woman, scatter her life with enjoyment and white dresses or whatever. But then, you can’t do that while your BT citizenship is still valid. Sooo don’t even consider a relationship. Like wydddd? If you’re already in one, fight with your babe (I’ll make a guide on how to fight with a/your babe later). Keep fighting till you’re able to fix up and leave BrokeTown. If you have an understanding partner, good for you. And If you don’t? You have to break up sir. Especially If her birthday or some event is coming up. Sorry. Pray nothing to celebrate comes up over this period too. Like promotions or anything. I know, I know, love would have you thinking you can handle a relationship without funds but don’t be deceived , that’s just you losing focus. It’s what love does best. In no time[ Unrelated 🌚], you could have the woman you love telling you you’re not perfect or that she prefers to be sad and alone (e dey happen). Dunno man, BT is hell.

Extra tip – Helps to find a rich generous babe. It’s a lazy mans move but hey, life is too short. Also, stick to bare flings.

5. Discover New Interests

Discover is actually a joke here. More like ‘force new interests’. On a regular day, I’m a game, meat, movie, enjoyment (and a lot more) buff. But when I got into BT, I couldn’t afford to religiously follow such. So what did I do? I picked up random inexpensive interests. Like reading books I had (e-copies obviously), strolling, pressing phone without viewing pictures or videos irresponsibly, listening to old music and many more. Just look for interests that don’t disturb your finances.

6. Have A1 Excuses to Dip

You need to possess quality excuses for when you have to be at a place or do something but can’t afford it. For example, let’s say, while you were rich, you and a friend had planned to go somewhere. But now you’re broke and can’t show up. You need mad excuses to be able to fire when the need arises. My go-to is ‘So sorry, I had an asthma attack and my chest hurts like crazy’. It’s quite foolproof, since no one ever cares to confirm. Another good one is ‘my aunt dropped by and left her kids with me so I can’t leave them unattended’.

Just be creative. Use your head. Come up with A1 excuses.

7. Do you really need a balanced diet?

This one applies to those who live alone. Do you really need good food sir? What is a balanced diet? When you’re rich, you easily by 3+ pieces of ‘ogunfe‘ to go with your amala, or 2 pieces of beef, 1 ponmo and assorted with your rice or beans. But now that you’re in BT, you can’t be misbehaving like that. After all, who has protein really helped? This is the time to understand that quantity > quality. Don’t listen to the unwoke that tell you quality is important. They have money, you don’t. So sir/ma, use that 200 to buy only rice. We have meat in our body. If the body craves meat, it can cut part of your intestines and use ✌

8. Standards? What are those?

Imagine being broke and still having standards 😂 You’re broke and you’re on some ‘ewww I can’t take sachet water’ p? Or ‘nah, it’s either basmati rice or nothing’. Some go as far as ‘ugh, I can’t be trekking and buses are razz, I’ll take an Uber’. Looooooool. Imagine being carried for 9 months and coming out to exhibit such a silly behaviour. Only time you should be calling an Uber is when you’re using it for the first time and it’s 2000 off. If you’ve used it already, there’s Taxify. Use their 2000 off as well and flourish.  Can’t be paying for no trips sir. Can’t.

Standards belong to the elite, so behave. 

9. Work on your self-control



When your account balance is on extrovert levels, you tend to find jokes funny. Jokes about account balance or funds and stuff; LOL-ing and ‘😂😂😂’ all the tweets about lack of funds. Once you enter BT, such jokes start to annoy you. You take them personal. My mute and block list is filled with people who tweet such annoying nonsense while I’m in BT.

10. Bonus

 Well this is more advice than tip. No matter what you do, try hard not to be entirely broke. Like 0 naira. Adopt a saving habit. Even while in BT, I always have savings I can’t touch somewhere in case of emergencies or opportunities. Learn to save.

#StayGuided guys. I hope this helps 🙏

low-key not a proper BT citizen btw 🌚

 

On Becoming – Part 2

I wasn’t really sure what to expect from this man; so far so good anyway. All my life, no one had treated me specially, and so this experience felt alien to me. I slept like a queen that night. No, he did not touch me.

Getting out of bed was going to be tough. I could tell; because I didn’t want to leave, I didn’t want all of this to end.

He didn’t rush me or disturb me; he allowed me to stay in bed as long as I wanted.

Night fell quite fast. You know what they say; time passes fast when you’re having fun.

A part of me felt queasy. Everything was going way too perfectly, almost suspicious, very suspicious actually. I disregarded the thoughts and felt it was just me not being used to this star treatment. I wish I listened to myself in retrospect.

The man came to me this particular night. Quite alright, he had been nothing but nice since he brought me home, but this felt different. He was being extra gentle, and kind.

He urged me to soak in his pool. Unbeknownst to him, I could not swim and I was scared of water. However, his kind words trumped my fears and I eventually succumbed. We had a nice chat in the pool.

We got out of the pool and went to chill in his hot tub right after. A part of me felt like a finesse chick but none of this was of my doing; I literally didn’t put myself out there anyway. While in the tub, he helped me apply all sorts of soaps and creams and herbs. At this point, I was so damn wet!

Slowly, I began to feel the temperature rise. The water felt like it was heating up. Being my first time, I assumed this was normal and continued to enjoy my time in the tub.

Have you heard the story of the boiled frog?

I think I slept off. I guess the heat got way too uncomfortable and so I woke startled. I looked up and saw the man staring at me; he had that his cute smile on. A part of me was creeped out though as this smile lasted longer than normal. I looked down to see if it was cleavage. That was when I saw it. My skin had become tan My skin was bright orange.

The steam was killing me, my skin was burning and the discoloration bothered me immensely, I smelled good however but I needed to get out. I tried to but I couldn’t. Slowly, I began to lose consciousness.

This was it. I was dying. In my final moments, I heard him speak, “Honey, food is ready”.

This is my story. My story on becoming Jollof Rice 😊😊

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On Becoming – Part 1

My story is not an awesome one; neither is it uninteresting. It’s quite basic. In it’s simplicity, it possesses some depth still. This is my story.

Plain, simple, normal. That’s how anyone you asked would’ve describe me. I didn’t do much. I rarely went out. Spent most of my days indoors, all of my days actually.

Everything changed when I met him. I remember that day; as usual, with my many siblings, I was indoors. I would say home but this wasn’t always our home. We only recently moved here. We used to stay in the wild. Cool, cool life. We would stay out all day, dancing as the wind blew, playing in the rain, frowning when the sun , well, did what the sun does.

They had taken us, my siblings and I. Our parents tried to stop them but their frail arms could only do so much.

So here, new place.

I was only just getting used to life here when he came by and took me. I remember being happy. He was a handsome man. Appeared quite nice. Dark too.

He took me home that night.